How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs

[Anonymous]

I’ve noticed close friend DC is showing signs of delayed growth. To give examples, not speaking, constant tantrums, unable to follow direction or responds to name.

I feel extremely bad for friend and DC because I’d like for the to have some sort of early intervention with speech therapy.

I’m just not sure how to respectfully mention it.

[Anonymous]

Do you know for certain that the parents are oblivious?

[Anonymous]

How old is the child? Do they have regular access to well child visits?

I would NOT say that you think the child needs early intervention or that you are noticing delays. If the child is still under 2 and they have access to medical care, the frequency of doctors visits (and the numerous screenings at that age) should address it. If you feel like it’s not, you might let your friend know about early intervention programs that you used or even say “oh, another friend with a kid the same age signed up for this program, I thought you might be interested.” She might not know about these programs and they are usually free and help kids with a broad range of developmental delays.

But I would not say “oh I’ve noticed larlo isn’t talking yet” or whatever. First of all, your observation might be off base. The child might act differently at home than around other adults. You might be basing your assessment on really biased info.

Second, she might already be aware of the delays and addressing them, and pointing them out will not help her. It will only spike any anxiety. Not helpful.

I have encountered many casual diagnosticians of developmental delays and in general I think it is best to proceed with extreme caution. Most parents are very aware of where their kids are at on these milestones and unless this is a neglect or access situation, you can do more harm than good by intervening.

[Anonymous]

of course the parents know, but they clearly aren't ready to talk to you about it. Do not bring this up with them. Just be kind and positive about other aspects of the child.

[Anonymous]

What is your background with diagnosing things?

[Anonymous]

How old is the child? If they’re being taken regularly to the pediatrician, the doctor should be screening for this.

[Anonymous]

DCUM always goes the MYOB route, because essentially people here value the relationship with the adult above the interest of the child. I don't. But then again, I'm a research scientist in that field, and know enough to identify cases that need evaluation. So I am gentle but direct. I've never lost a friendship over it. What usually happens is that parents think about it with an open mind, then realize assessments and therapies can be really expensive if they don't qualify for Child Find, and balk, then eventually do something. Some really wait until it's dire, some clue in more rapidly. Usually parents who are already managing the situation tell me about it in the course of the conversation. It's all very organic and natural, no hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always goes the MYOB route, because essentially people here value the relationship with the adult above the interest of the child. I don't. But then again, I'm a research scientist in that field, and know enough to identify cases that need evaluation. So I am gentle but direct. I've never lost a friendship over it. What usually happens is that parents think about it with an open mind, then realize assessments and therapies can be really expensive if they don't qualify for Child Find, and balk, then eventually do something. Some really wait until it's dire, some clue in more rapidly. Usually parents who are already managing the situation tell me about it in the course of the conversation. It's all very organic and natural, no hurt feelings.

We go the MYOB route because we are constantly the target of “well-meant” advice.

[Anonymous]

I would not. 13 years ago, I mentioned to a friend that she should have her son screened. She said to me “You don’t know little boys.” Although I have a handful of brothers and even more male first cousins. Sophomore year, her son failed most of his classes. They got him a daily tutor at $1000/week. He got Cs and Ds junior year. Last year, they decided he must have ADHD and finally started the testing process, but he refused to continue once he turned 18. He flunked two classes needed for graduation and refused to do summer school. He’ll be a 19 year old fifth year senior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always goes the MYOB route, because essentially people here value the relationship with the adult above the interest of the child. I don't. But then again, I'm a research scientist in that field, and know enough to identify cases that need evaluation. So I am gentle but direct. I've never lost a friendship over it. What usually happens is that parents think about it with an open mind, then realize assessments and therapies can be really expensive if they don't qualify for Child Find, and balk, then eventually do something. Some really wait until it's dire, some clue in more rapidly. Usually parents who are already managing the situation tell me about it in the course of the conversation. It's all very organic and natural, no hurt feelings.

We go the MYOB route because we are constantly the target of “well-meant” advice.

So, this simply wasn’t my experience. No family, no friends, or the pediatrician said anything to me... even reassured me he was fine, it was “just a speech delay.” Now at 4 he has an ASD diagnosis... and still, people are so awkward when I reference his difficulties. I would love to have the research lady as my friend!

[Anonymous]

We go the MYOB route because we are constantly the target of “well-meant” advice.

So true.

There is a range of normal and I'm sure her pediatrician will provide advice. There may be so many other things that are going on for her and early intervention hasn't made it to the top of the list yet. Maybe she couldn't follow through with what she would have liked to do because of Covid.

Really, people don't respond well when you raise issues like these. And, early intervention is good but not the holy grail.

[Anonymous]

I would say nothing unless they bring it up. Just because they have not mentioned something to you does not mean they are not aware of it and investigating.

[Anonymous]

You can always just ask how things are going, what's new. Most parents can't stop talking about their kids.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how close you two are and how much exposure you have to the child. If it were a good friend that I see with her child regularly, maybe even vacation together, then you have enough closeness and knowledge of the child to talk to her nicely because hopefully she would know you actually care for her child and are doing it as a part of that child's village. If you are good friends but see the child for an hour once every week or two, I don't think you actually know the child well enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always goes the MYOB route, because essentially people here value the relationship with the adult above the interest of the child. I don't. But then again, I'm a research scientist in that field, and know enough to identify cases that need evaluation. So I am gentle but direct. I've never lost a friendship over it. What usually happens is that parents think about it with an open mind, then realize assessments and therapies can be really expensive if they don't qualify for Child Find, and balk, then eventually do something. Some really wait until it's dire, some clue in more rapidly. Usually parents who are already managing the situation tell me about it in the course of the conversation. It's all very organic and natural, no hurt feelings.

It's not because you're a research scientist. It's because you don't follow NT rules which are absolutely to never suggest there's anything different about a member of the herd.

On a different note, we had a child find eval for ASD, ADHD son when he was 4 and it said nothing was wrong. Later diagnosed in 5th grade.