How would you tell a friend , DC is showing signs

Anonymous
I can only speak for me.

When I was going through a divorce my friend invited me and DD out for a playdate. A week later, I called to get her opinion. She had three kids. Did she think something was off with my daughter? The teacher at the new daycare had just pulled me aside to sheepishly tell me that she thought my daughter had a speech delay.

My friend told me that she'd wanted to say something a while ago but didn't think it was her place. She didn't think it was just a speech delay. She thought it was autism. I was surprised by how many of my friends suspected something but didn't say anything. It took a complete stranger to tell me.

I relayed this to my soon to be ex who accused me of using it as a cheap guilt trip. I went through the process of trying to get an eval by myself for two months. It wasn't until my ex went on a tirade about me to a coworker who'd met DD that they revealed having the same concerns.

My point is that you may be the only person who actually says anything. DD was diagnosed with ASD and severe speech delay. It's been almost ten years, but I'm grateful to that daycare worker.
Anonymous
Kid probably has hearing issues like our DD did. It affects their behavior because they are non-verbal. It took going to an ENT to learn DD needed ear tubes. Around that time, we tested things out by whispering to see if DD could hear, and she could not. Like whispering let's get a happy meal or ice cream! Nothing.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP as you can see from the responses here, most people would rather wallow in failure and misery than be given helpful advice from a close friend.
If we were friends I would appreciate the guidance with a problem.. but that's not true of neurotypical people. They're very rigid about how people should act and what information should be exchanges.


I hate to burst your bubble but life with a special needs child is not “failure and misery.” In fact we are having a great time over here. We are quite aware of our child’s differences. We don’t need you to point them out and scold. Get a life.


Absolutely, 100% this. My friends with all NT children are certainly having their own struggles. Many of them far worse than mine are on an objective basis. Worry about yourself.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:If she asks, be ready with resources. Otherwise, not your issue. I guarantee if you’ve noticed it, any parent is also hyper aware.

NP. Not true.
I was at playground and a parent kept commenting on how advanced my preschooler was. My child wasn’t advanced at all. I could tell by the way his child walked and tried to climb playground equipment (that most preschoolers could do) he had some sort of disorder.
I didn’t say anything since he was a complete stranger, but some parents are oblivious.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I can only speak for me.

When I was going through a divorce my friend invited me and DD out for a playdate. A week later, I called to get her opinion. She had three kids. Did she think something was off with my daughter? The teacher at the new daycare had just pulled me aside to sheepishly tell me that she thought my daughter had a speech delay.

My friend told me that she'd wanted to say something a while ago but didn't think it was her place. She didn't think it was just a speech delay. She thought it was autism. I was surprised by how many of my friends suspected something but didn't say anything. It took a complete stranger to tell me.

I relayed this to my soon to be ex who accused me of using it as a cheap guilt trip. I went through the process of trying to get an eval by myself for two months. It wasn't until my ex went on a tirade about me to a coworker who'd met DD that they revealed having the same concerns.

My point is that you may be the only person who actually says anything. DD was diagnosed with ASD and severe speech delay. It's been almost ten years, but I'm grateful to that daycare worker.

There's a difference between a child care professional and a friend offering this sort of advice.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can only speak for me.

When I was going through a divorce my friend invited me and DD out for a playdate. A week later, I called to get her opinion. She had three kids. Did she think something was off with my daughter? The teacher at the new daycare had just pulled me aside to sheepishly tell me that she thought my daughter had a speech delay.

My friend told me that she'd wanted to say something a while ago but didn't think it was her place. She didn't think it was just a speech delay. She thought it was autism. I was surprised by how many of my friends suspected something but didn't say anything. It took a complete stranger to tell me.

I relayed this to my soon to be ex who accused me of using it as a cheap guilt trip. I went through the process of trying to get an eval by myself for two months. It wasn't until my ex went on a tirade about me to a coworker who'd met DD that they revealed having the same concerns.

My point is that you may be the only person who actually says anything. DD was diagnosed with ASD and severe speech delay. It's been almost ten years, but I'm grateful to that daycare worker.

There's a difference between a child care professional and a friend offering this sort of advice.


You also asked for her opinion. There are definitely friends where I might say something IF THEY opened up the door to the conversation. But just randomly pulling out a “hey, I have noticed you kid seems atypical and you should go get them evaluated” is rarely appropriate or appreciated.
Anonymous
I have an adult child with a developmental disability and would never volunteer my opinion about a child’s development unless asked directly by the parent. Most people don’t have a clue what we have done for our child because we don’t spend our time sharing this personal information.
Anonymous
I’m a SN mom myself, and one of my relatives also has 3 children with SN.

This relative will not stop insisting that my child has autism and that I need to be doing more for her.

DD is only 2. We have a developmental pediatrician, a neurologist, and a geneticist. We get speech therapy and OT. We had an autism eval done and there were no indicators of autism. We are connected with our local county early intervention program and we also do our own private therapy.

And yet my relative cannot stop recommending that we do all of the above. She doesn’t listen and isn’t really in the loop and I think for some reason assumes I’m less capable than I am.

I think for her, she was super consumed with one of her children’s significant SN and feels she overlooked the more mild SN of her other kids. But basically she thinks unless I’m doing 40 hours a week of in home ABA, then I’m in denial.

At one time I was even strategically trying to get an autism diagnosis for insurance reasons and couldn’t get one, because while DD does have real SN, she just doesn’t happen to have autism.

Bottom line-don’t make assumptions. Listen. Also, realize there’s no magic bullet anyway so even if DC were getting all the things, he’d still have challenges so it’s not a situation of life or death.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I have an adult child with a developmental disability and would never volunteer my opinion about a child’s development unless asked directly by the parent. Most people don’t have a clue what we have done for our child because we don’t spend our time sharing this personal information.


This, I got comments all the time. I didn't need to share what we were or were not doing and most of the time the advice was wrong. I knew the issues, we were getting help and there was nothing to discuss with strangers or even friends.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I’m a SN mom myself, and one of my relatives also has 3 children with SN.

This relative will not stop insisting that my child has autism and that I need to be doing more for her.

DD is only 2. We have a developmental pediatrician, a neurologist, and a geneticist. We get speech therapy and OT. We had an autism eval done and there were no indicators of autism. We are connected with our local county early intervention program and we also do our own private therapy.

And yet my relative cannot stop recommending that we do all of the above. She doesn’t listen and isn’t really in the loop and I think for some reason assumes I’m less capable than I am.

I think for her, she was super consumed with one of her children’s significant SN and feels she overlooked the more mild SN of her other kids. But basically she thinks unless I’m doing 40 hours a week of in home ABA, then I’m in denial.

At one time I was even strategically trying to get an autism diagnosis for insurance reasons and couldn’t get one, because while DD does have real SN, she just doesn’t happen to have autism.

Bottom line-don’t make assumptions. Listen. Also, realize there’s no magic bullet anyway so even if DC were getting all the things, he’d still have challenges so it’s not a situation of life or death.


I totally understand what you are saying. It's very rude to tell another parent "I think your kid is autistic." I cannot imagine.
Anonymous
I am genuinely perplexed as to why some of you have friends if you can't even offer an idea or suggestion to each other.
I suspect it's the stugma many of you have about disabilities and autism
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m a SN mom myself, and one of my relatives also has 3 children with SN.

This relative will not stop insisting that my child has autism and that I need to be doing more for her.

DD is only 2. We have a developmental pediatrician, a neurologist, and a geneticist. We get speech therapy and OT. We had an autism eval done and there were no indicators of autism. We are connected with our local county early intervention program and we also do our own private therapy.

And yet my relative cannot stop recommending that we do all of the above. She doesn’t listen and isn’t really in the loop and I think for some reason assumes I’m less capable than I am.

I think for her, she was super consumed with one of her children’s significant SN and feels she overlooked the more mild SN of her other kids. But basically she thinks unless I’m doing 40 hours a week of in home ABA, then I’m in denial.

At one time I was even strategically trying to get an autism diagnosis for insurance reasons and couldn’t get one, because while DD does have real SN, she just doesn’t happen to have autism.

Bottom line-don’t make assumptions. Listen. Also, realize there’s no magic bullet anyway so even if DC were getting all the things, he’d still have challenges so it’s not a situation of life or death.


I totally understand what you are saying. It's very rude to tell another parent "I think your kid is autistic." I cannot imagine.


As a SN parent, I just talk about my kid and their struggles: the other person then starts asking questions. This is how two of my friends ended up getting their child evaluated. One child has ASD and the other ADHD. Both were found when the kids were in middle school so not all parents know especially if the ASD and/or ADHD is mild and their kids are bright and able to compensate until they can’t.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she asks, be ready with resources. Otherwise, not your issue. I guarantee if you’ve noticed it, any parent is also hyper aware.

NP. Not true.
I was at playground and a parent kept commenting on how advanced my preschooler was. My child wasn’t advanced at all. I could tell by the way his child walked and tried to climb playground equipment (that most preschoolers could do) he had some sort of disorder.
I didn’t say anything since he was a complete stranger, but some parents are oblivious.


Except… he was a complete stranger, so you have no idea what he knows about his child. This is precisely why you can’t make assumptions. Maybe his kid is being treated for delays and he was just marveling at a developmentally “on time” child because hasn’t been around one before. Maybe it was his hsmfisyed way of trying to cover embarrassment or other feelings. He was a total stranger. You know nothing. You are jumping to conclusions and assume you understand a situation that you could not possibly understand. The arrogance here.

Way too many parents think their experience with their own children qualifies them to evaluate and diagnose other kids. It does not. Feel free to mention resources like developmental screenings or specialists you’d recommend, but do so with the humility that you don’t know anything about someone else’s child.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t say anything directly. Another poster suggested just asking generally how things are going/how DS is doing in a casual way and I think this is good advice.

How old is the kid?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely perplexed as to why some of you have friends if you can't even offer an idea or suggestion to each other.
I suspect it's the stugma many of you have about disabilities and autism

The purpose of friendship is not to have a sounding board for your suggestions and ideas

Unless OP thinks her friend is incompetent and doesn’t take her kid to the pediatrician then there is nothing her advice is really going to do. Also early intervention is not that great. We had an evaluation through our county EI program and they said nothing was wrong with DC who was later diagnosed as being on the spectrum. Additionally, my DC’s diagnosis is their own personal information to share when they want. I don’t feel that it is my role to broadcast that to all of my friends.
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