Productive, solution-focused: how you successfully improved IL relationship

[Anonymous]

My ILs are kind and well-intentioned, but very hover-y/observe-y/meddlesome and gossipy. I want a better relationship with them, but it’s hard. They are seriously on top of me all the time when I see them. I can’t move a muscle without questions, commentary or offers to “help.” I just want them to leave me alone, give me space, and relax.

This is not an IL bashing thread. This is me genuinely asking for tips/best practices/advice/POSITIVE stories on how you improved your relationship with your ILs, and maybe even got to the point where you enjoyed their company. I want things to get better, I just honestly don’t know how.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you are putting up a distance-just-give-me-space vibe, which causes ILs to try even harder, because they are trying so hard to have a relationship with you??

I would try harder and see if they relax. Like, bring photos to share with them of their kid and your kids if you have them. "I thought you would love to have one of these framed." Or some little thoughtful gifts that say you notice what they like. Say the dad IL likes to fish, then bring him a book on fishing, or even some fun lures. And if the mom IL likes gardening, bring her some fun garden gloves. "Just something fun I thought you might like." Small, personal, inexpensive gifts FROM YOU that show that you "see" them.

[Anonymous]

I moved away!

Just kidding. Well I did, and it helped but when I am around, things are good even though I feel smothered.

What helped a lot was just finding things to talk to them about. My MIL is diabetic so we talk all the time about nutrition, my SIL is a parent of six so I ask her for parenting tips, stuff like that.

And I have a chronic illness so sometimes I just use that as an excuse to take a break.

It helps a lot that they are really great people and are super nice to me.

[Anonymous]

1. We live abroad.
2. All communication goes through my husband.

[Anonymous]

Something else I did was ask to see photos of DH as a kid. They love walking down memory lane, which most parents like to do.

[Anonymous]

I make dh the go between. And I stopped caring so much once my kids were born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make dh the go between. And I stopped caring so much once my kids were born.

+1. There’s nothing wrong with just being as polite as you can, and leave it at that. My ILs drone on about people I don’t know, stories I’ve already heard, and This Week in Minor Ailments. They never stop talking, don’t ask questions, don’t care about what others have to say. I just let them yammer and do my own thing.

[Anonymous]

Be kind and listen. Everyone has their story. This is their life. Someday, it will be you who people in your life do not want to listen to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be kind and listen. Everyone has their story. This is their life. Someday, it will be you who people in your life do not want to listen to.

NP. You seem to be lumping all older adults together. I know plenty of 70somethings who actively listen, ask questions, engage, and read social cues. I also know plenty of 30somethings who talk relentlessly and are clueless about conversing in a way that is pleasant and respectful to all parties. Bad listeners and bad conversationalists are just that. It has little to do with age.

[Anonymous]

I think my in-laws are good people but not my kind of people and very nosy and particular. They definitely think they have the answers to life figured out.

I have known them 12 years and I have a Good relationship with them now. It took a few things for that to happen, and happened ove r time:

—they stopped criticizing my DH as he started making more choices they agreed with. I don’t like their attitude, but it made it easier to be nice to them when they stopped taking bad about DH

—I started trying to see how their actions and attitudes were coming from a place of support, even if I didn’t agree the actions/attitude were supportive. Basically, because I did think they were fundamentally good people, I tried to assume their actions came from a place of good will even if I found them disruptive or annoying. Like my MIL did think coming to stay for 2 weeks when each child was born was helpful (it wasn’t, it was a burden).

—I stopped expecting them to change or for my DH to change them. So now I know my ILs will watch TV all day, drink all night, and only eat certain types of foods. So plan around this, instead of getting angry they won’t fit into our plans/schedule when they visit

—I started trying to have real conversations with my MIL and ask her advice on things. I love my DH, I think he is a wonderful person, I think his siblings are very nice, and this is the woman who raised him - I figured there must be some good/helpful advice in her somewhere. At the very least, it made her feel like I valued her opinion.

—I try not to hold them to higher standards than other relationships. I think my parents are sort of annoying but I’m used to their craziness so I sort of just ignore it. I also try to see the best in my friends - we can be friends even when I think they made choices I don’t understand. If I can give that grace to my own family and friends, I try to do the same for my ILs.

Don’t get me wrong, I still brace myself for when my ILs visit, but I do have a relationship with my MIL where I can chat with her on the phone about the kids, and talk about our pfamily plans with my FIL. And after a few years of these changes I actually have kind feelings for my ILs, and almost find their quirks annoying like my own parents are annoying instead of annoying like a random stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make dh the go between. And I stopped caring so much once my kids were born.

This. Just don't have the energy to bother any more. And can focus on the little kids since they need so much attention anyway!

[Anonymous]

See them more in group environments or meet them someplace for dinner, brunch etc. Stay in hotels. Let them gossip but don’t engage it, just be very flat about it but do go on about whatever hobbies or interests they have. Ask them questions first. How is Edna their neighbor? Ask about their medical maladies. People like to talk about themselves. Keep redirecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make dh the go between. And I stopped caring so much once my kids were born.

This. Just don't have the energy to bother any more. And can focus on the little kids since they need so much attention anyway!

+1 Made all of the difference for my mental health and my relationship with DH to realize that there was really no reason for me to try so hard when ILs would still be critical no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Google the Grey Rock technique. Basically you figure out how to make yourself boring to them and then it makes them less interested in you. It’s usually for dealing with toxic people but I think the strategy would have similar results here.