Five year old is driving the whole house crazy

[Anonymous]

Last kid (of two) is 5 and she is becoming more and more challenging every day. She hits her sister (age 10) for no reason. She screams until she gets her way (yesterday it was for ice cream before dinner). She is a horrible eater. She won’t go to the bathroom by herself (we literally have to walk her there and wait until she goes). She attends preschool and is great there. She also interacts with other children and extended family fabulously. But it’s like when it’s just the 4 of us, she pushes every boundary and makes it just hard at home.

I’m an older mom and have limited energy- she’s zapping me! I try to talk to her, give her options, give her consequences, praise her for good behavior - none seems to help. This is also relatively new behavior - since May or so. Nothing has changed at home or school to trigger any changes.

Please tell me it’s a phase! Any tips?

[Anonymous]

Her tactics are successful. You gave her ice cream. You go into the bathroom with her. You can't set a boundary or rule when she knows you're not going to enforce it. You're enabling her. You need to hold the line.

[Anonymous]

It could be a phase, but it can ossify into a personality trait unless you deal with it. Make sure that you are very consistent with your messaging and do not ever give into to her unreasonable demands.

What will she actually do if you don’t walk her to the bathroom? Will she sh*t her pants? If she does, show her how to do her laundry and clean up the mess, but don’t do it for her.

If she demands dessert before dinner, explain that that isn’t happening. If she persists, tell her that she is losing dessert. Make sure the rest of the family eats dessert in front of her while she tantrums.

She needs to see that the consequences of her actions are worse for her than they are for you.

[Anonymous]

You said she screams until she gets her way. That’s the biggest problem right there. Stop giving into her every whim because you’re creating a monster by doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said she screams until she gets her way. That’s the biggest problem right there. Stop giving into her every whim because you’re creating a monster by doing that.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Yep, she can control herself, she does it at school. She just doesn’t want to at home. Boundaries and consequences, OP.

[Anonymous]

At preschool there is a very consistent routine and rules in place. She knows who is in charge. At home she thinks she is in charge and feels horribly equipped for the role. She is seeking security.

[Anonymous]

wait, did you give her the ice cream?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried the Kazdin method? There's a book but also lots on the web page: https://alankazdin.com

[Anonymous]

At first I thought I posted this about my almost-5yo DD, although mine has been like this since day 1. Very assertive, outgoing and loves to push our buttons. Mine won't go to the bathroom by herself either - it's baffling. Everything is a struggle. The only thing that works is being consistent and enforcing the rules every single time. Without fail. I also tell her what the consequences will be and frame it as her choice: if you choose to come out of your bedroom after I say goodnight, then you will have no ice cream (or whatever) tomorrow. Or: if you choose to continue disrupting our dinner, you will be done and you'll go to bed right now. Because we enforce the rules consistently, she knows we mean business. And if the screaming and unacceptable behavior don't stop, I just walk away when possible (this is particularly effective when she's in the bathroom because she can't just follow me). She wants the attention, even if it's negative, so I don't give it to her. The conflict is like a game to her.

I realize I'm making all of this sound so easy to address when it's not. Not at all. It is mentally and emotionally draining on a near daily basis. I have to constantly tell myself that all of the qualities that make it challenging to be her mother are tied to the same qualities that I love so much about her and which will serve her well as she grows. There may also be something developmental going on around this age but I'm too exhausted to look into it.

[Anonymous]

There are lots of resources on parenting without power struggles. And a subcategory of that focuses on eating in particular. Do some research on Division of Responsibility. You are starting later so it may take longer but it REALLY works.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I have one like this and he never gets his way when he screams but somehow that doesn’t stop him. He’s amazing half the time and makes me so goddamned irritable the rest. It’s really awful sometimes. I’m pretty good at keeping my cool with him and I’m too stubborn to let him win when he misbehaves but that doesn’t work either.

[Anonymous]

My third son was this way.. we made him a big brother. Can she be give more responsibility around the house? +2 for kazdin

[Anonymous]

She sounds anxious and boundary-seeking. Help her out by providing plenty of positive attention and cuddles at a time that's convenient for YOU, and setting up a comforting routine and boundaries every day. She won't need the bathroom help and the ice cream if she knows what to expect over the course of the day, and that she's guaranteed a morning and evening cuddle session whatever happens.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's craving your undivided attention.

She keeps it together in daycare all day, needs to let loose a bit at home, wants to play/be with you, but you're on your phobe/prepping dinner/cleaning up/rushing her off to bed sp she's probably not feeling she's getting a whole lot except for I'm guessing the 15 min of a bedtime story as you turn off the lights.