how do you handle kid lying, taking things that don't belong to her?

[Anonymous]

SO, my DD, who's going in fifth grade, is obsessed with Youtube and all things online these days. Like all kids, I guess. We have an iPad that she uses to call friends, play games, etc. She does not have a phone. She found an old ipod of mine that we let her use for music. Of course, it wasn't long before she started veering over to Youtube and watching things she shouldn't. Not terrible, mostly dumb. I took it away, told her why and hid it. Well she found it and I found one day cleaning her room. So I took it and never said anything to her. She went hunting again and didn't find that one, but she found another one that DH and I use and has been hiding that in her bedroom for I dont know how long, watching the same dumb videos and who knows what else. If questioned, she will usually lie about taking it or lie about what she was watching. She must know I can look it up and see. NO personal responsibility AT ALL.

It's become a cat and mouse game, and I'm ready for it to be over. I've talked to her before about appropriate vs. not appropriate. I've talked to her about watching things with us around, ie, not in her bedroom with the door closed. And she usually complies but not always. We'll get tired, think she's talking to her friends and it turns out she's on youtube, etc.

I don't want to ban it completely because I know that won't work. I just want her to ask before she takes things that don't belong to her, or to ask whether she has permission to watch youtube or whatever. She has somehow decided she's the boss and can do what she wants when she wants. She takes other things of mine too sometimes, including makeup, jewelry, etc. She doesn't usually put the stuff back, which send me on a hunt and in a mood because I can't stand when she does this. And no, my 10 year old is not wearing makeup, but she likes to play with it. I don't typically let her play with mine, but I have given her old samples I don't want, etc. This is a new behavior, since school's been out.

How would you punish? Or would you? I feel like we do a lot of talking and she nods and says OK, but then a day or so later turns right around and does the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO, my DD, who's going in fifth grade, is obsessed with Youtube and all things online these days. Like all kids, I guess. We have an iPad that she uses to call friends, play games, etc. She does not have a phone. She found an old ipod of mine that we let her use for music. Of course, it wasn't long before she started veering over to Youtube and watching things she shouldn't. Not terrible, mostly dumb. I took it away, told her why and hid it. Well she found it and I found one day cleaning her room. So I took it and never said anything to her. She went hunting again and didn't find that one, but she found another one that DH and I use and has been hiding that in her bedroom for I dont know how long, watching the same dumb videos and who knows what else. If questioned, she will usually lie about taking it or lie about what she was watching. She must know I can look it up and see. NO personal responsibility AT ALL.

It's become a cat and mouse game, and I'm ready for it to be over. I've talked to her before about appropriate vs. not appropriate. I've talked to her about watching things with us around, ie, not in her bedroom with the door closed. And she usually complies but not always. We'll get tired, think she's talking to her friends and it turns out she's on youtube, etc.

I don't want to ban it completely because I know that won't work. I just want her to ask before she takes things that don't belong to her, or to ask whether she has permission to watch youtube or whatever. She has somehow decided she's the boss and can do what she wants when she wants. She takes other things of mine too sometimes, including makeup, jewelry, etc. She doesn't usually put the stuff back, which send me on a hunt and in a mood because I can't stand when she does this. And no, my 10 year old is not wearing makeup, but she likes to play with it. I don't typically let her play with mine, but I have given her old samples I don't want, etc. This is a new behavior, since school's been out.



How would you punish? Or would you? I feel like we do a lot of talking and she nods and says OK, but then a day or so later turns right around and does the same thing.

I would ban it completely actually. It's unnecessary to childhood and a destructive influence. She sounds very bored and unable to exert self-control over the pull of easy dopamine. I would enroll her in some off-line, analog activities to keep her busy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the response.

She barely went on the ipad at all pre-COVID, but now she literally reaches for it the second we walk in the house. She acts bored, but good god, she's in soccer, camp all day, goes swimming on the weekends (there now, in fact). We do keep her busy as much as we can afford and run her around.

Also, she has ADHD (diagnosed right before COVID) so I don't know if any of these behaviors have anything to do with that. I feel at a loss and I don't want to go full force into puberty without rules firmly established.

[Anonymous]

Respectfully, there is something in your parenting that has created or is allowing this. Before coming up with a punishment, you should reflect on what you may do that has enabled this.

In the interim, change passwords on all devices and control the wifi hours.

Best of luck. Parenting sucks sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. I am going over everything in my head. We aren't overly permissive but we aren't batten down the hatches parents either.

[Anonymous]

She has lied so lost ipad/ipod privilege until she earns it. Take it away. Lock it. Take you tube off. Password protect it or turn off wifi to that mac address. Seriously. She has lost your trust (this and the makeup thing) so she needs to regain it. Its not complicated. She thinks she can do whatever she wants because you let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP. I am going over everything in my head. We aren't overly permissive but we aren't batten down the hatches parents either.

Shes testing boundaries. You don't have any apparently.

[Anonymous]

OK, thanks PPs. It's all already been taken away, and when she gets home, we will talk.

How does she earn trust? With chores? Good behavior? Helping out more around the house?

[Anonymous]

You clearly are enabling her. You hid the iPad and she found it, but you didn't say anything to her? Then, she finds another iPad in the house and uses that. Obviously, she doesn't take you seriously. You caught her red handed so she has missed her opportunity of lying about it. You should have jumped directly to punishment. The question is why do you allow this behavior? I imagine it's easier for you, but the teenage years will become more problematic as she ages. You and your spouse could probably use a parenting class.

[Anonymous]

Too everyone bashing iPad/YouTube - why did our generation lie/take thing that weren't ours, challenge authority, test limits when we were teens? I mean, really. This is pure adolescent development 101. I suggest reading Untangled.

[Anonymous]

These behaviors are indeed related to ADHD - not saying neuro-typical kids don’t also have these behaviors, but you address them somewhat differently with a kid with ADHD, from what I understand (my kid has different issues). Head over to the Kids with Special Needs forum if you’d like advice on sneaking screen use, lying, taking stuff that isn’t yours with ADHD kids. They’ll have good BTDT guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the response.

She barely went on the ipad at all pre-COVID, but now she literally reaches for it the second we walk in the house. She acts bored, but good god, she's in soccer, camp all day, goes swimming on the weekends (there now, in fact). We do keep her busy as much as we can afford and run her around.

Also, she has ADHD (diagnosed right before COVID) so I don't know if any of these behaviors have anything to do with that. I feel at a loss and I don't want to go full force into puberty without rules firmly established.

My DS has ADHD and when he goes off his meds in the summer, it's the same situation. A complete inability to stop himself from doing stuff he knows he shouldn't do. Establish the rules clearly (write them down if you need to so she can't say she didn't know). When she breaks them, consequences right away. I'd just get rid of any electronics for a while. At that age, kids should be going to camp, the pool, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has lied so lost ipad/ipod privilege until she earns it. Take it away. Lock it. Take you tube off. Password protect it or turn off wifi to that mac address. Seriously. She has lost your trust (this and the makeup thing) so she needs to regain it. Its not complicated. She thinks she can do whatever she wants because you let her.

This, and when it comes back strict limits of 1-2 hours after homework, chores and other stuff is done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, thanks PPs. It's all already been taken away, and when she gets home, we will talk.

How does she earn trust? With chores? Good behavior? Helping out more around the house?

trust is earned over time. additional chores are a consequence. completing chores doesn't earn trust. if she mops the floors, makes her bed and take out the trash do you automatically trust her to not take your things and lie about it? no. i would have a conversation focus on the importance of trust, how we lose trust in others and how we build it.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of the iPod.

End of story.