Living with MIL
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I grew up here but come from a culture where elderly parents live with their adult kids (esp. son’s families). Right after I got married, my MIL lived in our house for 5 year and it just didn’t work out. It was an emotional abusive situation where I literally had to get therapy to pull myself back. My husband’s family was really mean to me especially during the time that I was pregnant and one of my kids was diagnosed with a life long chronic diability. I forgive them for this but will never forget. I have worked really hard to pull myself out of the mess and my kids and I are doing just fine. However, now when she comes to visit it’s always for an indefinite period of time (for months with no end in sight). She not a mean person but as a professional, adult woman, I am used to living my own life and I feel as if my house and life are literally taken over and a lot of the previous triggers/feelings that I worked so hard to get over come back. I am really not sure how to handle this. I don’t want to be mean to her but at the same time I need my own space. I don’t quite know what would be an appropriate way to handle this without being miserable for the time that she stays with us. |
Anonymous
| Couples therapy. Your spouse needs to stand up for you here. |
Anonymous
|
Yeah no. For me this is a hill to die on. And I married into a traditional Vietnamese family, where there are clear expectations of kids caring for their parents. But that’s a bridge too far, unless my home were larger and I had paid help! As it is, MIL lives in her home with round the clock caregivers and frequent visits from her children. |
Anonymous
| Despite the culture you grew up in, you can still say no. Emotional abuse makes it different. You are a grown woman and should not tolerate it whatsoever. Good luck to you, and congrats on overcoming the BS she put you through. Keep it up! I hope your DH is understanding. |
Anonymous
|
Nope. You can insist on an end date, but this should come from your husband. You need to get over your feelings of being perceived as “mean.” Who cares? Focus on what actions are important to you and stop worrying about how people feel in response to them.
This is a husband problem too so start with marital counseling so you’re on the same page. |
Anonymous
| This should be a PSA for women like you: marry Americans who don’t plan to move their moms in! |
Anonymous
| People "handle" this by not having houseguests for more than a few nights. Many, many normal people do this. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you need to go back to therapy. I can’t believe she was allowed back in your house after being mean about a child with a disability. |
Anonymous
| Op- are you Korean? |
Anonymous
| Don’t cede your turf when she’s there. You are still the woman of the house. Stand up to her and don’t retreat or feel like you have to keep the peace. |
Anonymous
I think Indian. Same story as mine 😔 |
Anonymous
+1. I also wouldn’t treat her as a guest (not serve her, clean up after her, etc.), generally ignore her and make her feel unwelcome so she doesn’t want to return. Passive aggressive, I know. Make her your DH’s problem. He has to cater to her. Also would boldly ask her when is her return ticket. You have nothing to lose at this point. This woman was mean and emotionally abusive to you and your disabled child. But I also would never agree to this arrangement in the first place. 3-day visit max if I was feeling generous. |
Anonymous
|
Does your husband’s family have enough money to get a small apartment near you? She could spend a few months a year there and not be in your space and it would be easier to set boundaries (dinner 2-3 nights/ week with you, go to kids’ activities, etc).
You already let her live with you for 5 years and it didn’t work. I would not signup to do it again. What does your spouse say? |
Anonymous
This! |
Anonymous
Um, you should check out some of the posts in the Midlife and Elder Care Forum. It’s not just Indians or Koreans who deal with situations like this. |