“I want to come over and help”-complaining

[Anonymous]

I am going crazy with my family saying they want to come over and “help” with my newborn while my husband is working long hours. It is not helpful to hold the baby and take pictures so (1) I can’t nurse and then (2) expect me to sit there visiting with you. Either hold the baby and give her a bottle, change her if she needs it, etc so I can run around and do stuff (shower/laundry/dishes, pump, send work emails...whatever) or, I don’t know, run the dishwasher and take out the recycling while I sit with her. This is driving me absolutely insane.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you should send this video to anyone who offers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upxJc75tCYA

[Anonymous]

"I'm good with baby care, but with DH gone, I really need help with the dishwashing and laundry. Let me know if you're up for that."

Or,

"Thanks for coming over! Here's the baby and her bottle. She likes to be held this way while she's eating, and that way afterward. I'm going to go take a shower. Thanks!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm good with baby care, but with DH gone, I really need help with the dishwashing and laundry. Let me know if you're up for that."

Or,

"Thanks for coming over! Here's the baby and her bottle. She likes to be held this way while she's eating, and that way afterward. I'm going to go take a shower. Thanks!"

This is exactly what I do with my in-laws. Drove me crazy for like…two visits…that they weren’t proactive about helping but I figured out pretty quickly I just had to explicitly say what I needed and they were more than happy to jump in.

TBH I don’t understand these “complaining about your family” posts. Either see them on your terms or don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm good with baby care, but with DH gone, I really need help with the dishwashing and laundry. Let me know if you're up for that."

Or,

"Thanks for coming over! Here's the baby and her bottle. She likes to be held this way while she's eating, and that way afterward. I'm going to go take a shower. Thanks!"

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm good with baby care, but with DH gone, I really need help with the dishwashing and laundry. Let me know if you're up for that."

Or,

"Thanks for coming over! Here's the baby and her bottle. She likes to be held this way while she's eating, and that way afterward. I'm going to go take a shower. Thanks!"

This is exactly what I do with my in-laws. Drove me crazy for like…two visits…that they weren’t proactive about helping but I figured out pretty quickly I just had to explicitly say what I needed and they were more than happy to jump in.

TBH I don’t understand these “complaining about your family” posts. Either see them on your terms or don’t.

+1

[Anonymous]

And this is why I’m telling family that we’re quarantining with no visitors for 4-8 weeks after baby #2 is born due to COVID.

This type of “help” is what broke me after our first child was born. I offered explicit instructions of ways they could be helpful (wash a bottle or unload the dishwasher, etc). But all they wanted to do was hold the baby or give a bottle (that I had to pump) and wait to eat until I sat with them (sitting on a hard chair at a dining table is the last thing I wanted to do postpartum. Just leave me in peace on the soft couch!)

The rules for visiting a newborn is to bring food and leave within the hour unless you’re really willing to just clean the kitchen while the new parents rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm good with baby care, but with DH gone, I really need help with the dishwashing and laundry. Let me know if you're up for that."

Or,

"Thanks for coming over! Here's the baby and her bottle. She likes to be held this way while she's eating, and that way afterward. I'm going to go take a shower. Thanks!"

+1

+2 I'd just quarantine for a while and get those first shots in before having people over, personally. MIL only wants to be waited on hand and foot and entertained. She whined and shouted at me after I was ill and she came over the day I had a medical procedure so if she can't make herself useful or at least civil then I don't want company. Stress and extra work is the last thing anyone needs.

[Anonymous]

I should’ve explained- I live next to another family member and they arranged most of the visits without asking me. So my choice was to either lock the door and stay inside (which would make me look crazy) or allow this. My extended family can be demanding and dramatic and this would’ve been a huge issue.

[Anonymous]

IDK what to say except be a much bigger a-hole. They “expect” you to sit around chatting? So what. They’ll be disappointed when I go upstairs to run the shower instead.

[Anonymous]

There needs to be a PSA that it's not helpful to hold someone's newborn. That newborn and that mom want to be together. What people need to offer is to clean or cook only. Keep your grubby mitts off my baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There needs to be a PSA that it's not helpful to hold someone's newborn. That newborn and that mom want to be together. What people need to offer is to clean or cook only. Keep your grubby mitts off my baby.

CORRECT.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not saying you're in the wrong on this - I felt the exact same the first several weeks, like everyone else was caring for my baby while I was caring for the house and pumping. Once I got through the first few weeks though, I loved (most) every visitor b/c my baby was fussy and I was mind-numbingly bored and agitated going on long walks with him and bouncing him while I watched TV to try to keep him happy. Having company to pass the hours (me mainly caring for baby but them talking to me) while I walked or rocked or bounced or held while sleeping was amazing for my mental health.

This turning point was around 5 weeks I think and was people I liked....my MIL just made me a bigger ball of announance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not saying you're in the wrong on this - I felt the exact same the first several weeks, like everyone else was caring for my baby while I was caring for the house and pumping. Once I got through the first few weeks though, I loved (most) every visitor b/c my baby was fussy and I was mind-numbingly bored and agitated going on long walks with him and bouncing him while I watched TV to try to keep him happy. Having company to pass the hours (me mainly caring for baby but them talking to me) while I walked or rocked or bounced or held while sleeping was amazing for my mental health.

This turning point was around 5 weeks I think and was people I liked....my MIL just made me a bigger ball of announance

So sorry op- I totally understand and have to say this was my experience too. I truly hate visitors in the beginning and for my second I basically didn’t allow them except immediate family for weeks. Now that my son is 7 weeks and I have a particularly fussy baby with reflux and all sorts of things (again), I really like when people just keep me company while I care for him. As I bounce him right now to sleep for the third time already today (omg) someone to chat with would be awesome.

But yes def the worst in the beginning! I found it just throws me off, I couldn’t follow babies cues when others were holding him, it was easier to just breastfeed in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not saying you're in the wrong on this - I felt the exact same the first several weeks, like everyone else was caring for my baby while I was caring for the house and pumping. Once I got through the first few weeks though, I loved (most) every visitor b/c my baby was fussy and I was mind-numbingly bored and agitated going on long walks with him and bouncing him while I watched TV to try to keep him happy. Having company to pass the hours (me mainly caring for baby but them talking to me) while I walked or rocked or bounced or held while sleeping was amazing for my mental health.

This turning point was around 5 weeks I think and was people I liked....my MIL just made me a bigger ball of announance

So sorry op- I totally understand and have to say this was my experience too. I truly hate visitors in the beginning and for my second I basically didn’t allow them except immediate family for weeks. Now that my son is 7 weeks and I have a particularly fussy baby with reflux and all sorts of things (again), I really like when people just keep me company while I care for him. As I bounce him right now to sleep for the third time already today (omg) someone to chat with would be awesome.

But yes def the worst in the beginning! I found it just throws me off, I couldn’t follow babies cues when others were holding him, it was easier to just breastfeed in peace.

Honestly even after three weeks I’m feeling more like this. But week one and two I was a wreck and I couldn’t relax with all the comings and goings.