“I want to come over and help”-complaining

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why I’m telling family that we’re quarantining with no visitors for 4-8 weeks after baby #2 is born due to COVID.

This type of “help” is what broke me after our first child was born. I offered explicit instructions of ways they could be helpful (wash a bottle or unload the dishwasher, etc). But all they wanted to do was hold the baby or give a bottle (that I had to pump) and wait to eat until I sat with them (sitting on a hard chair at a dining table is the last thing I wanted to do postpartum. Just leave me in peace on the soft couch!)

The rules for visiting a newborn is to bring food and leave within the hour unless you’re really willing to just clean the kitchen while the new parents rest.

Sorry but I disagree. I'd love it when someone would hold the baby so I could nap. Different strokes. If you want a maid, then hire one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There needs to be a PSA that it's not helpful to hold someone's newborn. That newborn and that mom want to be together. What people need to offer is to clean or cook only. Keep your grubby mitts off my baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why I’m telling family that we’re quarantining with no visitors for 4-8 weeks after baby #2 is born due to COVID.

This type of “help” is what broke me after our first child was born. I offered explicit instructions of ways they could be helpful (wash a bottle or unload the dishwasher, etc). But all they wanted to do was hold the baby or give a bottle (that I had to pump) and wait to eat until I sat with them (sitting on a hard chair at a dining table is the last thing I wanted to do postpartum. Just leave me in peace on the soft couch!)

The rules for visiting a newborn is to bring food and leave within the hour unless you’re really willing to just clean the kitchen while the new parents rest.

I was planning to do this too, based on my experience with #1. Then I gave birth in February, no one was vaccinated and we struggled to even find someone to watch our toddler so I could have the baby. Once we were home my husband and I were trying to juggle two kids and a messy house on zero sleep. I was so happy when my mom got vaccinated and showed up, even though she mostly just held a fussy baby while I ran around dealing with the toddler, doing laundry, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going crazy with my family saying they want to come over and “help” with my newborn while my husband is working long hours. It is not helpful to hold the baby and take pictures so (1) I can’t nurse and then (2) expect me to sit there visiting with you. Either hold the baby and give her a bottle, change her if she needs it, etc so I can run around and do stuff (shower/laundry/dishes, pump, send work emails...whatever) or, I don’t know, run the dishwasher and take out the recycling while I sit with her. This is driving me absolutely insane.

If I visit someone who has just had a baby, then it is to deliver a.meal. I do not do your laundry, change a diaper, or wash dishes. Also I only stay for five minutes because I do not care to hear about birth or even see baby. You sound incredibly ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should’ve explained- I live next to another family member and they arranged most of the visits without asking me. So my choice was to either lock the door and stay inside (which would make me look crazy) or allow this. My extended family can be demanding and dramatic and this would’ve been a huge issue.

No, you’re entitled to your privacy/space. What your relative arranged is on them. If they want to help, they can cook/clean (even better if they cook next door and bring it over)…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going crazy with my family saying they want to come over and “help” with my newborn while my husband is working long hours. It is not helpful to hold the baby and take pictures so (1) I can’t nurse and then (2) expect me to sit there visiting with you. Either hold the baby and give her a bottle, change her if she needs it, etc so I can run around and do stuff (shower/laundry/dishes, pump, send work emails...whatever) or, I don’t know, run the dishwasher and take out the recycling while I sit with her. This is driving me absolutely insane.

If I visit someone who has just had a baby, then it is to deliver a.meal. I do not do your laundry, change a diaper, or wash dishes. Also I only stay for five minutes because I do not care to hear about birth or even see baby. You sound incredibly ungrateful.

You sound like a peach. Though hopefully you make a decent casserole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why I’m telling family that we’re quarantining with no visitors for 4-8 weeks after baby #2 is born due to COVID.

This type of “help” is what broke me after our first child was born. I offered explicit instructions of ways they could be helpful (wash a bottle or unload the dishwasher, etc). But all they wanted to do was hold the baby or give a bottle (that I had to pump) and wait to eat until I sat with them (sitting on a hard chair at a dining table is the last thing I wanted to do postpartum. Just leave me in peace on the soft couch!)

The rules for visiting a newborn is to bring food and leave within the hour unless you’re really willing to just clean the kitchen while the new parents rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There needs to be a PSA that it's not helpful to hold someone's newborn. That newborn and that mom want to be together. What people need to offer is to clean or cook only. Keep your grubby mitts off my baby.

I agree. Some of these women are such snowflakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going crazy with my family saying they want to come over and “help” with my newborn while my husband is working long hours. It is not helpful to hold the baby and take pictures so (1) I can’t nurse and then (2) expect me to sit there visiting with you. Either hold the baby and give her a bottle, change her if she needs it, etc so I can run around and do stuff (shower/laundry/dishes, pump, send work emails...whatever) or, I don’t know, run the dishwasher and take out the recycling while I sit with her. This is driving me absolutely insane.

If I visit someone who has just had a baby, then it is to deliver a.meal. I do not do your laundry, change a diaper, or wash dishes. Also I only stay for five minutes because I do not care to hear about birth or even see baby. You sound incredibly ungrateful.

Op, and that would be fine too. What is not fine is showing up empty handed, staying for hours, and crowding me in my house. It’s not that I particularly like other people doing those things. It’s that I have zero desire to listen to people talking, demanding to hold my newborn, while I sit on my couch on no hours of sleep, stitches in my vagina, feeling like I got hit by a truck. Go home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There needs to be a PSA that it's not helpful to hold someone's newborn. That newborn and that mom want to be together. What people need to offer is to clean or cook only. Keep your grubby mitts off my baby.

Cool story. If you need a maid, hire one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why I’m telling family that we’re quarantining with no visitors for 4-8 weeks after baby #2 is born due to COVID.

This type of “help” is what broke me after our first child was born. I offered explicit instructions of ways they could be helpful (wash a bottle or unload the dishwasher, etc). But all they wanted to do was hold the baby or give a bottle (that I had to pump) and wait to eat until I sat with them (sitting on a hard chair at a dining table is the last thing I wanted to do postpartum. Just leave me in peace on the soft couch!)

The rules for visiting a newborn is to bring food and leave within the hour unless you’re really willing to just clean the kitchen while the new parents rest.

Sorry but I disagree. I'd love it when someone would hold the baby so I could nap. Different strokes. If you want a maid, then hire one.

Haha, PP. I just posted your last sentence before I read this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going crazy with my family saying they want to come over and “help” with my newborn while my husband is working long hours. It is not helpful to hold the baby and take pictures so (1) I can’t nurse and then (2) expect me to sit there visiting with you. Either hold the baby and give her a bottle, change her if she needs it, etc so I can run around and do stuff (shower/laundry/dishes, pump, send work emails...whatever) or, I don’t know, run the dishwasher and take out the recycling while I sit with her. This is driving me absolutely insane.

If I visit someone who has just had a baby, then it is to deliver a.meal. I do not do your laundry, change a diaper, or wash dishes. Also I only stay for five minutes because I do not care to hear about birth or even see baby. You sound incredibly ungrateful.

You sound like a peach. Though hopefully you make a decent casserole.

A gouret cook and I deliver a full meal. I just don't care about your labor and do not care if your kid cries all night. I also do not care if you had no sleep for a month. You chose to have a baby and these are the conquences!

[Anonymous]

I was basically abandoned by friends and family after my first baby was born. I had people drop casseroles on my front porch and no one would come in, even when I invited them. Over and over everyone kept saying they didn't want to bother us. I couldn't even believe it. My family and inlaws had been ALL OVER us at the hospital, but they left before we got home. It was one of the loneliest times in my life and I couldn't figure out why no one wanted to meet up for lunch, come over to eat dinner with us or see my baby. I assume my family and friends had just been told by other moms that they should be cooking and cleaning for new moms and no one wanted to do that (that was NOT what I wanted, I wanted someone to shop with!)

My solution was to meet up with mom's groups daily, mom fitness classes, and stroller strides. I adored seeing all their babies and they liked seeing mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There needs to be a PSA that it's not helpful to hold someone's newborn. That newborn and that mom want to be together. What people need to offer is to clean or cook only. Keep your grubby mitts off my baby.

Cool story. If you need a maid, hire one.

I don’t expect anyone to cook and I personally don’t want anyone to clean my house. But holding a newborn isn’t helping. If you want to hold my baby don’t act like you’re helping. You are making life harder for me which is fine but just own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There needs to be a PSA that it's not helpful to hold someone's newborn. That newborn and that mom want to be together. What people need to offer is to clean or cook only. Keep your grubby mitts off my baby.

Cool story. If you need a maid, hire one.

I don’t expect anyone to cook and I personally don’t want anyone to clean my house. But holding a newborn isn’t helping. If you want to hold my baby don’t act like you’re helping. You are making life harder for me which is fine but just own it.

I felt the same. I remember that people wanted to hold my baby when she was happy and then pass her off at the first sign of a cry. Which all sounds logical, but after weeks of that, I was really in a deep depression. I never got to hold my baby when she was happy and it was affecting me mentally. Mom's need to be able to hold happy babies too! Otherwise it's just complete drudgery of breastfeeding, laundry, cooking and chores. And there was also a lot of criticism of her crying in that "maybe I wasn't making enough milk" or something was wrong with my milk and I should just use formula.