Anyone in a family where one sibling received a lot more help?
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Anonymous
| We just found our sibling received several hundred thousand as a gift for down payment for home. Ok the other hand, we have received 0 gifts for ourself or our kids and probably have the “best” relationship with parents. Obviously we don’t plan to say anything but siblings have all had help like this over the years, not quite as large as thing but what makes a parent help one kid significantly more? |
Anonymous
| They asked and you didn’t. |
Anonymous
| They asked or they simply needed help. It's not your parents' responsibility to be sure they spend their money equally. They made a choice, it doesn't affect you at all. It's about what your parents can or want to do for each child when that choice arises. |
Anonymous
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In our family different siblings have received (and given) more help at different times. Brother lived rent free with mom for close to a decade after high school. Mom provided financial and childcare support to Sister 1 for ~10 years. Mom now lives with Sister 2 and provides significant childcare support.
Brother provided emotional and house help support while he lived with mom, Sister 1 provided close friendship and health support during her sting, Sister 2 provided significant financial support to mom over the years. It's all cyclical and based on what you need and can offer at the time. |
Anonymous
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I had to work very long hours each summer to have spending money during the school year during my college years. When I moved to the US in my 20’s (my family had legally immigrated several years prior), I received absolutely no help. In fact I was asked to single handedly manage a yogurt shop my mother had bought on a whim …
I never received a penny while my brothers received new cars for high school graduation present, one of them received a townhouse (fully paid) for his undergraduate gift while the other brother graduated medical school with zero debt and had his dad buy him a take-over a well established medical office a couple years later when the other doctor left the state. |
Anonymous
| I think treating kids unequally is a great way to sow resentment. Not sure why a parent would ever do this. It's asking for trouble. |
Anonymous
| I’m the most successful sibling and I don’t begrudge this at all. If my parents weren’t doing it, I’d feel like I should be. Maybe because there’s a big age gap, I don’t know. |
Anonymous
While I sort of agree... sometimes situations are very different between siblings. Some get married and parents give wedding gifts, some go to grad school and others choose not to, some go to rehab and parents want to help, some have abusive marriages and parents pay the legal fees to help them get out of it, some have 3 kids and some don't. I know that if situations were the same between my sibling and I, we'd get the same amounts. I got married and have 3 kids, which are my parents' favorite thing in life. Sibling got grad school paid for (my work paid for mine) and parents still hope sibling will get married and have kids. But if sibling doesn't, I bet my parents will give them more later in life. |
Anonymous
| I think a lot of the times this happens because parents feel like one kid needs more help - so it's actually a complement, they think you can handle your own sh*t. |
Anonymous
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At this point I have helped dd1 more than my other 2 daughters. Not because I'm trying to not treat them fairly but because she needed it at the time. She needed help with childcare and I wanted to spend that time with my grandsons. She needed help financially and we weren't going to let her or the boys go without what they needed so we stepped up. If when my other 2 dd"s have children I will also offer to watch the kids because I enjoy doing so not because I want to be equal. Dd#2 is going to lease a car and we are paying some of the downpayment.
What I'm trying to say is not every situation/child is equal and you do what you can if they each need help. If they don't you don't need to provide something to even out what the other received. Neither dd2 or 3 have animosity towards us or dd1 because they understand the above. Heck dd2 has offered dd1 help. |
Anonymous
This. Also, they may be more open to developing other forms of codependent living than you have been. We are also in the same situation with my ILs but feel no envy or disappointment in the situation and do not have resentment toward the sibling. |
Anonymous
+1 One sibling may need more help at a period of time in life than another. It's never equal, nor should it be. |
Anonymous
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Are your parents from non American culture? In my culture, son generally gets everything.
Do you earn or have a lot more money than your sibling? Did they need it and you didnt? |
Anonymous
I mostly agree here. My sister has received a lot more support in her life, and I couldn't care less. She had some issues she needed help with, i didn't have those issues. Similarly, i guess my MIL did childcare for my BIL at some point, and I never even thought about being jealous about that. But at the scale of OPs example of hundreds of thousands of help on a down payment, I'd feel differently. My parents don't have that kind of money for any of us kids, so no problem in my family. |
Anonymous
| I'm from a big catholic family and of course there is one who always has problems and my parents basically still treat him as an adult child who is entirely dependent on them. It's utter BS but I guess they are dealing with their own guilt of his complete failure to launch. |