How do you monitor kids’s phones?

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear how everyone monitors their teenager’s devices and computers. We tried Bark, but it just had too many technical issues, so we gave up. This is for a 15 year old, and we are upfront about any monitoring we do.

Before anyone ridicules me for monitoring: Our kids have been told since they got phones that having a phone is a privilege, not a right, and monitoring it is not a violation of privacy because phones are NOT private.

[Anonymous]

U might want to move this to the teens/ tweens forum.

[Anonymous]

I told my son when he got his phone that we’d spot check. So I’d read his texts on occasion and he had to friend me on Instagram etc. I did spot check when he was 12 fairly frequently, and occasionally when he was 13. I stopped when it started making me feel like I was intruding, or spying. I wasn’t seeing anything that was really worrying, but I realized I didn’t want to eavesdrop on my son's conversations. He knew I might do it so it wasn’t that it was a violation of any kind, but it made me feel creepy so I stopped.

What I asked myself was why I was doing it and what I wanted out of monitoring. I want him to be safe and kind. So I have focused instead on talking A LOT about online behavior, porn, sexting, bullying, etc. I read him bits of articles out loud, tell him things I hear, ask him what “other kids” are doing and then talking about it. I think this will work better for us to keep him safe.

[Anonymous]

I explain that it's mine, not theirs, and as such I can take it any time. Then I did and would read texts and look at who they are friends with on Snapchat, Tik Tok, Insta, Finsta, etc.

By 15 I wasn't really checking anymore. I didn't care if my kids cursed. The only thing they did that bothered me was being connected with kids whose handles denigrated women/girls or incorporated the N-word. I told them my feelings and let it go. My daughters have gotten d**k pics but my oldest came up with the solution of screenshooting it and re-posting so everyone would know what they did. Every single boy begged them not to do that, or to take it down once they did. We had many talks about pedophilia and legalities, etc.

My kids know enough to talk shit about other kids in person, not online where someone can screen shot it. But really, by 15, your kid should either be capable of handling their phone in a mature way, or shouldn't have one.

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old is asking for Discord. I trust him, and he is literally just now getting our old phone as his 1st phone. He has had an iPad for a few years but no social media. Is Discord something to worry about?

[Anonymous]

I just spot check the browser and phones once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my son when he got his phone that we’d spot check. So I’d read his texts on occasion and he had to friend me on Instagram etc. I did spot check when he was 12 fairly frequently, and occasionally when he was 13. I stopped when it started making me feel like I was intruding, or spying. I wasn’t seeing anything that was really worrying, but I realized I didn’t want to eavesdrop on my son's conversations. He knew I might do it so it wasn’t that it was a violation of any kind, but it made me feel creepy so I stopped.

What I asked myself was why I was doing it and what I wanted out of monitoring. I want him to be safe and kind. So I have focused instead on talking A LOT about online behavior, porn, sexting, bullying, etc. I read him bits of articles out loud, tell him things I hear, ask him what “other kids” are doing and then talking about it. I think this will work better for us to keep him safe.

Op here. I agree with you and that’s why I liked the concept of Bark - it only reports snippets of concerning content, not everything they do. I wish it had worked out better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old is asking for Discord. I trust him, and he is literally just now getting our old phone as his 1st phone. He has had an iPad for a few years but no social media. Is Discord something to worry about?

Discord can be problematic because people can pose as gamers and start talking with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I explain that it's mine, not theirs, and as such I can take it any time. Then I did and would read texts and look at who they are friends with on Snapchat, Tik Tok, Insta, Finsta, etc.

By 15 I wasn't really checking anymore. I didn't care if my kids cursed. The only thing they did that bothered me was being connected with kids whose handles denigrated women/girls or incorporated the N-word. I told them my feelings and let it go. My daughters have gotten d**k pics but my oldest came up with the solution of screenshooting it and re-posting so everyone would know what they did. Every single boy begged them not to do that, or to take it down once they did. We had many talks about pedophilia and legalities, etc.

My kids know enough to talk shit about other kids in person, not online where someone can screen shot it. But really, by 15, your kid should either be capable of handling their phone in a mature way, or shouldn't have one.

Completely naive to think it is this black and white. Even a responsible 15 year old is capable of making bad decisions online or unknowingly being preyed upon.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think it was more devastating to have my stepmom snooping through my journals and letters as a teen/tween than was anything I was actually doing. I know the internet is scary, but I try to keep the trust there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly think it was more devastating to have my stepmom snooping through my journals and letters as a teen/tween than was anything I was actually doing. I know the internet is scary, but I try to keep the trust there.

Op here. While I have told my kids that their phones are not private, I have also clarified what is private - conversations, journals, diaries, letters. I would never listen in on a conversation or read a journal. But their phones are not private. We know someone whose personal text message to her best friend was found and screenshotted by someone else. They took it to the press and it literally became international news. Since that happened, my kids are much more cooperative.

[Anonymous]

No phones till they're driving then it's a flip phone. Nothing to monitor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No phones till they're driving then it's a flip phone. Nothing to monitor.

Texting

Some apps are sms based

Plus you're undermining the trust between you and your kod

[Anonymous]

I look every now and then just in case there's something glaringly obvious, but after years of working in a high school, I know that these kids seem to be one step ahead of parental surveillance at all times. I can't tell you how many parents have assured me that it couldn't possibly be their child using a cell phone because they took it away or they monitor the phones. Well, it turned out that we had a number of kids loaning or giving their old phones to their friends. As long as the phone could get on wifi, they could FaceTime, chat, and use apps. They just kept the phone at school, so their parents wouldn't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No phones till they're driving then it's a flip phone. Nothing to monitor.

Texting

Some apps are sms based

Plus you're undermining the trust between you and your kod

What apps do they need? I guarantee everyone on this board managed to get through high school without an iPhone just fine.
I trust my kids completely. Has nothing to do with that. They don't need smart phones. Someone has to stop this nonsense.