Dealing with mother with attachment issues, anxiety, depression?

[Anonymous]

My mother vents to me about her general unhappiness almost daily. I’m so tired of listening to it and seeing her do nothing to change it. She has no friends (diagnosed attachment issues) and diagnosed depression and anxiety, both of which she refuses to treat.

Literally everything depresses her, and anything that would make her happy causes her anxiety. She has exactly one hobby and I feel like she even finds ways to complain about that.

I’m at my wits end. I feel like I can’t share anything about my life that is happy because it leads in to her complaining about her misery, so I don’t, and if she somehow finds out, she is anxious about the fact that I kept it from her.

I don’t know what to do anymore. If you have a parent like this and can offer any advice, I’d love to hear it!

[Anonymous]

Every day is far too often to bear this burden. Talk to your mom when it works for you. It’s ok to let calls go the voicemail and to leave texts and emails unanswered. If that winds your mother up, know that it isn’t about you and isn’t your responsibility to keep her calm and happy.

Learn the mantra “I didn’t cause this, I cannot control this, I cannot cure this.” Your mom is trying to draw you into her drama. For your own mental health, try to release the things that aren’t yours.

Set boundaries for the complaining you will listen to. Don’t ask questions about the details. Instead, give a bland answer like “Sounds like a problem a doctor can help with,” “Gosh, that’s a shame,” or “Huh, seems tough.” Then switch the subject to anything else—something you saw on TV, the weather, a hobby you’d like to try. If your mother is hell bent on focusing on the negative, tell her you can’t talk. Perhaps you have a meeting to attend to, a pet emergency, a child who needs your help urgently, etc. In a pinch try “This is hard for me to hear. Perhaps we should talk when you’re in a better mood/calmer.”

The website Out of the Fog has even more ideas for how to avoid engaging in the negative and how to protect yourself from others’ dark moods. I highly recommend the resources and (very kind) discussion forum.

[Anonymous]

Set aside 15 minutes twice a week to listen to her complaints

If you're local, ask to go to the Dr with her. Talk w/Dr privately re: her depression. Or get a social worker involved.

[Anonymous]

This sounds a lot like my mother. I agree with PPs that every day is too much. I talk to my mom a few times a week, and also started therapy earlier this year. That has helped me see things clearly so I don’t let her get to me as much (well that is the goal, it will take time). If I suggest therapy to her she just laughs it off because there’s nothing wrong with her (in her opinion). Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day is far too often to bear this burden. Talk to your mom when it works for you. It’s ok to let calls go the voicemail and to leave texts and emails unanswered. If that winds your mother up, know that it isn’t about you and isn’t your responsibility to keep her calm and happy.

Learn the mantra “I didn’t cause this, I cannot control this, I cannot cure this.” Your mom is trying to draw you into her drama. For your own mental health, try to release the things that aren’t yours.

Set boundaries for the complaining you will listen to. Don’t ask questions about the details. Instead, give a bland answer like “Sounds like a problem a doctor can help with,” “Gosh, that’s a shame,” or “Huh, seems tough.” Then switch the subject to anything else—something you saw on TV, the weather, a hobby you’d like to try. If your mother is hell bent on focusing on the negative, tell her you can’t talk. Perhaps you have a meeting to attend to, a pet emergency, a child who needs your help urgently, etc. In a pinch try “This is hard for me to hear. Perhaps we should talk when you’re in a better mood/calmer.”

The website Out of the Fog has even more ideas for how to avoid engaging in the negative and how to protect yourself from others’ dark moods. I highly recommend the resources and (very kind) discussion forum.

Thank you for sharing your insight. I’m not the op but this post was extremely helpful to me.

[Anonymous]

You are enabling her to stay stuck by allowing her to vent. Detach. You can suggest support groups, therapy, a psychiatric evaluation and if she refuses simply limit how much you will listen to self-defeating nonsense. Be in her life as much as you can handle. Reinforce any positive moves she makes toward connecting with others or getting help, but don't reinforce her staying stuck.