Nephew's post-wedding celebration--what's the right thing to do?

[Anonymous]

DH has a much-older sister, let's call her Mary, who helped raise him and shielded him from a lot of stuff growing up (family dysfunction+++). DH hasn't lived near his family for 20+ years and is not in weekly, or even monthly, contact with any of them (5 sibs: DH is youngest and Mary is oldest).

Mary is now in her mid 50s and struggling with depression and prescription drug-dependence issues, for which she sporadically seeks help. Mary's only child--DH's nephew--got married last year. We did not find out about the marriage until we received a "Save the Date" card for a "Faith Commitment Ceremony" scheduled for this spring. Mary said the two got hitched at a courthouse so they could get a better military housing allotment, but decided after the fact that they wanted a "real" wedding (Mary's words). (Nephew is 25 and stationed at an airforce base, his now-wife is 26 and is a manicurist who spends a lot of time tanning.)

We just got the invitation--along with an Rsvp card printed with a limerick advising guests to give cash or checks in lieu of gifts. The wedding is on a Saturday morning in a town about 8+ hours drive away. We are not close to nephew at all, and personally, I think he and his wife would be thrilled if our skipping the party meant a larger check--he has always asked for cash and rarely if ever even acknowledges the gift (who can forget the time we sent a $1,000 check for his highschool graduation, only to get a card months later saying "Thanks for the gift"???).

I would much, much, much like to skip the wedding...but am concerned about hurting/offending Mary. Do people think the kids and I can beg off? Can DH?

[Anonymous]

WHAT? They got married a year ago and then sent out a card asking for money???? That sounds awful to me. I don't think you need to go and definitely don't think you need to send them $1,000. I can't believe they are asking people to send them money. That is just wierd! Sounds like they are having a party to collect money. They might make out better if they hold a kegger and charge people $10 a pop at the door!

[Anonymous]

How often does DH and Mary talk/visit/email? With all of Mary's issues (depression, pills), will she even know the difference if her little brother and his family show up at the wedding? Or even care?

Are you more concerned about offending Mary or the nephew? Or the rest of the family (that will be there??)

[Anonymous]

Referencing her tanning, etc, makes it sound like class snobbery issues. OK, so nephew and his wife are not as wealthy/upperwardly mobile as you. Got it.

But think of poor Mary. How amazing of her to shield your husband from family dysfunction growing up. I'd hazard a guess that no one else did the same for her. So she grew up with family dysfunction, managed to "save" her littlest brother, and now he and his family distance themself from her as she attempts to hold everything together?

Go to the wedding, celebrate, and give an appropriate gift ($1000 sounds like a crazy-high gift to me - how about something normal, like $150?)

[Anonymous]

OP didn't say they got married a year ago - she said they got married "last year" which could be a few months ago.

It is rude of the bride and groom to send out any mention of gifts. Nonetheless, I am not sure what to make of your "manicurist who spends a lot of time tanning" comment. So they don't deserve a gift because she's a manicurist instead of a doctor or lawyer?

Obviously you don't care for this couple so you'd be doing everyone a favor if you don't attend the ceremony. Your DH should decide if he wants to send a gift because he feels the desire to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often does DH and Mary talk/visit/email? With all of Mary's issues (depression, pills), will she even know the difference if her little brother and his family show up at the wedding? Or even care?

Are you more concerned about offending Mary or the nephew? Or the rest of the family (that will be there??)

I am much more concerned about Mary than the nephew. DH and Mary talk AT MOST twice a year by phone. AT MOST. DH has a hard time dealing with her because she is so out of it. She's been in multiple car accidents (high on prescriptions while driving) leading to more pain control prescriptions.

To the poster who suggested I have class snobbery issues--nephew's wife (WIFE--they have been married for 12+ months already) is from a wealthy family. Indeed, most conversations with her involve her reminding all in earshot that her parents have multiple vacation homes that will eventually be hers, the cars they lease on her behalf (because she has no/poor credit). She did not apply to college, saying she didn't need to because she would be inheriting her parents' business. And yet the "give us money" limerick! But thanks for suggesting that I've got class snobbery issues--you sound like a peach.

Again, I really could care less about nephew and his wife. It will cost us 2 vacation days (1 for DH and 1 for me), and probably $2500 to go to the party, and I'm just working through whether there is a better way for DH (and our family unit) to reconnect with Mary than at this weird event. I get the importance and symbolism of DH's presence though, hence my original question.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't your husband just go to the party? That should save you some $ and your family will be represented. It would probably make Mary incredibly happy.

$150.00 check is more than generous.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering how you got the $2500 figure--is that monetizing your vacation days?

I think if it were me, I would go, for Mary. Drive the 8 hours up on Friday, stay at an inexpensive motel, go to the party on Saturday morning, and consider driving home that afternoon/evening. Looking at it that way (without considering the vacation day for each of you), it seems like the whole thing could cost $500 (including a gift for nephew).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Referencing her tanning, etc, makes it sound like class snobbery issues. OK, so nephew and his wife are not as wealthy/upperwardly mobile as you. Got it.

But think of poor Mary. How amazing of her to shield your husband from family dysfunction growing up. I'd hazard a guess that no one else did the same for her. So she grew up with family dysfunction, managed to "save" her littlest brother, and now he and his family distance themself from her as she attempts to hold everything together?

Go to the wedding, celebrate, and give an appropriate gift ($1000 sounds like a crazy-high gift to me - how about something normal, like $150?)

I agree with this post. I'd add that OP should work on her mean attitude towards the bride before she rolls up into their wedding thinking she's the "rich relative" slumming for the weekend. This is someone's special day!

[Anonymous]

At the very least, your husband should go. Think of it as a family obligation, not all of them are enjoyable, there is a reason they are called obligations, but it sounds like Mary was there for your husband at a critical time and it is the least he can do to support her by being at her son's celebration. It is her only child, I am sure it would mean a lot to share the occasion with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often does DH and Mary talk/visit/email? With all of Mary's issues (depression, pills), will she even know the difference if her little brother and his family show up at the wedding? Or even care?

Are you more concerned about offending Mary or the nephew? Or the rest of the family (that will be there??)

I am much more concerned about Mary than the nephew. DH and Mary talk AT MOST twice a year by phone. AT MOST. DH has a hard time dealing with her because she is so out of it. She's been in multiple car accidents (high on prescriptions while driving) leading to more pain control prescriptions.

To the poster who suggested I have class snobbery issues--nephew's wife (WIFE--they have been married for 12+ months already) is from a wealthy family. Indeed, most conversations with her involve her reminding all in earshot that her parents have multiple vacation homes that will eventually be hers, the cars they lease on her behalf (because she has no/poor credit). She did not apply to college, saying she didn't need to because she would be inheriting her parents' business. And yet the "give us money" limerick! But thanks for suggesting that I've got class snobbery issues--you sound like a peach.

Again, I really could care less about nephew and his wife. It will cost us 2 vacation days (1 for DH and 1 for me), and probably $2500 to go to the party, and I'm just working through whether there is a better way for DH (and our family unit) to reconnect with Mary than at this weird event. I get the importance and symbolism of DH's presence though, hence my original question.

Reread your original post--that's how it came across to me, too. The remark about her occupation and tanning just seemed out of place, even to me--and I am actually a class snob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Referencing her tanning, etc, makes it sound like class snobbery issues. OK, so nephew and his wife are not as wealthy/upperwardly mobile as you. Got it.

But think of poor Mary. How amazing of her to shield your husband from family dysfunction growing up. I'd hazard a guess that no one else did the same for her. So she grew up with family dysfunction, managed to "save" her littlest brother, and now he and his family distance themself from her as she attempts to hold everything together?

Go to the wedding, celebrate, and give an appropriate gift ($1000 sounds like a crazy-high gift to me - how about something normal, like $150?)

I agree with this post. I'd add that OP should work on her mean attitude towards the bride before she rolls up into their wedding thinking she's the "rich relative" slumming for the weekend. This is someone's special day!

Also agree with this post. I feel bad for Mary, who bore the brunt of her family's dysfunction, suffers emotionally now for what she lived through, and has to endure the pain of what seems like a pretty unthankful younger brother. He should be insisting on at least going himself. And yeah, I get that it's hard to be around her and awkward or inconvenient or whatever. But I'm sure it was hard for her, especially as a young person herself, to protect your husband when he was a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a much-older sister, let's call her Mary, who helped raise him and shielded him from a lot of stuff growing up (family dysfunction+++). DH hasn't lived near his family for 20+ years and is not in weekly, or even monthly, contact with any of them (5 sibs: DH is youngest and Mary is oldest).

Mary is now in her mid 50s and struggling with depression and prescription drug-dependence issues, for which she sporadically seeks help. Mary's only child--DH's nephew--got married last year. We did not find out about the marriage until we received a "Save the Date" card for a "Faith Commitment Ceremony" scheduled for this spring. Mary said the two got hitched at a courthouse so they could get a better military housing allotment, but decided after the fact that they wanted a "real" wedding (Mary's words). (Nephew is 25 and stationed at an airforce base, his now-wife is 26 and is a manicurist who spends a lot of time tanning.)

We just got the invitation--along with an Rsvp card printed with a limerick advising guests to give cash or checks in lieu of gifts. The wedding is on a Saturday morning in a town about 8+ hours drive away. We are not close to nephew at all, and personally, I think he and his wife would be thrilled if our skipping the party meant a larger check--he has always asked for cash and rarely if ever even acknowledges the gift (who can forget the time we sent a $1,000 check for his highschool graduation, only to get a card months later saying "Thanks for the gift"???).

I would much, much, much like to skip the wedding...but am concerned about hurting/offending Mary. Do people think the kids and I can beg off? Can DH?

Never mind the tackiness of the invitation, I think your DH should go. His sister supported him through some rough times, so it's time for him to reciprocate by at least showing up for the wedding. He is free to ignore the request for money and provide any gift he chooses, if any. It shouldn't matter that they technically married a year ago -- many people have courthouse weddings, only later to "finalize" it through a church (my aunt/uncle waited 25 years between courthouse and church wedding). I think what's bothering you is that you don't like the niece-in-law, no?

[Anonymous]

My philosophy is to do the thing with the least potential for regret afterwards. If you don't go, will you always feel a little guilty and a little bad about how it made Mary feel? If you do go, is the worst thing that could happen an annoying weekend and a bit of extra expense? (No need to give the nephew a ton of money, certainly not $1000!)

Why not go and see if you can get something else out of the trip, like a little mini-vacation for the family? Is there something fun to do between your house and the wedding? Ex. if you have to go near Hershey, PA, you can do a trip to Hershey Park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering how you got the $2500 figure--is that monetizing your vacation days?

I think if it were me, I would go, for Mary. Drive the 8 hours up on Friday, stay at an inexpensive motel, go to the party on Saturday morning, and consider driving home that afternoon/evening. Looking at it that way (without considering the vacation day for each of you), it seems like the whole thing could cost $500 (including a gift for nephew).

No, not monetizing the vacation days. I should have mentioned that the wedding is a "destination wedding"--Driving is not a possibility given that the wedding is on a Saturday morning at 9:30--We would need to fly, and since there are 5 of us (DH, me, 3 kids including 2 in school), $2500 reflects the likely plane ticket and lodging costs in a beach town where most places require a 2 night stay.