Nephew's post-wedding celebration--what's the right thing to do?

[Anonymous]

This is your husband's call. Only he can define the debt he owes to Mary. And you and the rest should support his decision. It does not matter if you don't like the groom or despise his wife's tanning habit. The only thing that counts is DH's relationship with Mary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Referencing her tanning, etc, makes it sound like class snobbery issues. OK, so nephew and his wife are not as wealthy/upperwardly mobile as you. Got it.

But think of poor Mary. How amazing of her to shield your husband from family dysfunction growing up. I'd hazard a guess that no one else did the same for her. So she grew up with family dysfunction, managed to "save" her littlest brother, and now he and his family distance themself from her as she attempts to hold everything together?

Go to the wedding, celebrate, and give an appropriate gift ($1000 sounds like a crazy-high gift to me - how about something normal, like $150?)

I agree with this post. I'd add that OP should work on her mean attitude towards the bride before she rolls up into their wedding thinking she's the "rich relative" slumming for the weekend. This is someone's special day!

I think you missed my follow-up post before casting judgement. Nephew's wife is from a rich family and constantly reminds the rest of us (working folk) of that lovely fact. WE (DH and I) are far less well-off than everyone else in the family, except Mary and her husband, who have blown their money on who knows what.

Really disappointed that people judging me don't check their own assumptions -- apparently only destitute people have family dysfunction and substance abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My philosophy is to do the thing with the least potential for regret afterwards. If you don't go, will you always feel a little guilty and a little bad about how it made Mary feel? If you do go, is the worst thing that could happen an annoying weekend and a bit of extra expense? (No need to give the nephew a ton of money, certainly not $1000!)

Why not go and see if you can get something else out of the trip, like a little mini-vacation for the family? Is there something fun to do between your house and the wedding? Ex. if you have to go near Hershey, PA, you can do a trip to Hershey Park.

OP again. It's nice to find sound advice and good perspective amidst all these barbs and worst assumptions. Mary looked out for my husband. I would like to attend the ceremony to support her.

The ceremony is in a beach town down south, where nephew's wife's (wealthy) family has a beach house. It's supposed to be a beach ceremony and all guests are asked to wear white or tan because nephew's wife (who incidentally fancies herself Paris Hilton--tanning, nails, blinged out dog carried in fancy bag) wants the photos a certain way.

I guess I was looking for a way to do reconnect with Mary without going through the exercise of nephew's wife's destination-wedding-bridezilla-cash-grab, and without feeling like I'm her wedding prop. So yes, my dislike for the wife was overtaking my regard for Mary--thanks to posters who pointed that out because I wasn't seeing it and needed to fess up and get real about priorities. I want to be a person who cares about Mary more than dislikes the nephew's wife (who I'm sure would be nice if I got to know her, maybe???)
I think I'm coming around and realizing that we have to do this and should focus on finding a way to make it fun and find time to be with Mary.

Thanks again--

[Anonymous]

Pleeeeeeeease tell us the limerick? Please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your husband's call. Only he can define the debt he owes to Mary. And you and the rest should support his decision. It does not matter if you don't like the groom or despise his wife's tanning habit. The only thing that counts is DH's relationship with Mary.

agree. dh should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering how you got the $2500 figure--is that monetizing your vacation days?

I think if it were me, I would go, for Mary. Drive the 8 hours up on Friday, stay at an inexpensive motel, go to the party on Saturday morning, and consider driving home that afternoon/evening. Looking at it that way (without considering the vacation day for each of you), it seems like the whole thing could cost $500 (including a gift for nephew).

No, not monetizing the vacation days. I should have mentioned that the wedding is a "destination wedding"--Driving is not a possibility given that the wedding is on a Saturday morning at 9:30--We would need to fly, and since there are 5 of us (DH, me, 3 kids including 2 in school), $2500 reflects the likely plane ticket and lodging costs in a beach town where most places require a 2 night stay.

How is driving not a possibility? You already mentioned that you and DH would each take a day off of work. Take off on Friday, drive 8 hours (you can leave by 3pm if you don't want to take the kids out of school, you'll still get there by 11, with kids in the car I just as soon drive at night anyway.) I can't imagine paying for 5 airfares, and dealing with the headache of an airport with 3 kids when it could be easily avoided. And since you are going to a beach town why not focus on having a fun weekend with the kids and stop dwelling on the negative feelings about the niece-in-law. It sounds like Mary has had a tough time and I think the public support of your DH and you being there would mean a great deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pleeeeeeeease tell us the limerick? Please?

Yes, please! I need a good chuckle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pleeeeeeeease tell us the limerick? Please?

Yes, please! I need a good chuckle.

OP again. Here it is, and yes, I know technically the last words of the first, second and last lines of the stanza should rhyme in a limerick...but I guess if you're tossing out basic etiquette, who cares about dumb poem rules. The meter is limericky still.

"To save you from looking, shopping or buying,
here's an idea we hope you like trying
come to our wedding
wish us both well
and bring a cash gift for our wishing well!"


On the same card, in a bordered box, are the attire instructions. Aside from requiring "formal attire in neutrals such as whites, cremes (sic) and tans...please bring informal casual beach attire to change into at the house or plan to change before you arrive back at the house..." (the wedding is on the beach outside the beach house).

[Anonymous]

I think I'll know when I'm having a really bad day (week, month, decade, whatever) if I take enough time out of my life to bitch, in detail, about someone's wedding invitation. So what, you think they're classless. Just roll your eyes and be done with it. Why get so worked up?

[Anonymous]

I would send a real gift from a shop that makes it difficult to return, just to piss the bride off for telling me what to wear.

Go, enjoy the beach for a couple days. I bet the kids would love a trip.

[Anonymous]

Fascinating--if you google the poem there are all sorts of pages on wedding wishing wells--who knew it was such a trend?! The people in favor of them refer to the poems as cute, and NOT TACKY AT ALL, they claim. Here's one bride-to-be: "I don't think they are tacky nor inappropriate. If you disagree, whatever."

OP, consider yourself lucky they didn't go with this alternate script:

Because at first we lived in sin
We've got the sheets and a rubbish bin
A gift from you would be swell
But we'd prefer a donation to our Wishing Well!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering how you got the $2500 figure--is that monetizing your vacation days?

I think if it were me, I would go, for Mary. Drive the 8 hours up on Friday, stay at an inexpensive motel, go to the party on Saturday morning, and consider driving home that afternoon/evening. Looking at it that way (without considering the vacation day for each of you), it seems like the whole thing could cost $500 (including a gift for nephew).

No, not monetizing the vacation days. I should have mentioned that the wedding is a "destination wedding"--Driving is not a possibility given that the wedding is on a Saturday morning at 9:30--We would need to fly, and since there are 5 of us (DH, me, 3 kids including 2 in school), $2500 reflects the likely plane ticket and lodging costs in a beach town where most places require a 2 night stay.

How is driving not a possibility? You already mentioned that you and DH would each take a day off of work. Take off on Friday, drive 8 hours (you can leave by 3pm if you don't want to take the kids out of school, you'll still get there by 11, with kids in the car I just as soon drive at night anyway.) I can't imagine paying for 5 airfares, and dealing with the headache of an airport with 3 kids when it could be easily avoided. And since you are going to a beach town why not focus on having a fun weekend with the kids and stop dwelling on the negative feelings about the niece-in-law. It sounds like Mary has had a tough time and I think the public support of your DH and you being there would mean a great deal.

Not every family can tolerate an 8 hour drive. Mine can barely tolerate a trip up to NYC. Unless, of course, the kids are drugged. LOL

[Anonymous]

When it comes to family, I think it is always wise to err on the side of generosity, kindness and tolerance unless there is an abuser or serious user involved. Either just send your husband or make a family trip of it and have a good laugh about it later. "Crazy Cousin So-And-So's beach wedding where we all had to wear buff" will become part of your family lore.

For the record, I don't think your comment about the tanning was snobbery so much as a shorthand way of explaining that the bride is kinda vapid and annoying and not someone for whom you want to go out of your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When it comes to family, I think it is always wise to err on the side of generosity, kindness and tolerance unless there is an abuser or serious user involved. Either just send your husband or make a family trip of it and have a good laugh about it later. "Crazy Cousin So-And-So's beach wedding where we all had to wear buff" will become part of your family lore.

For the record, I don't think your comment about the tanning was snobbery so much as a shorthand way of explaining that the bride is kinda vapid and annoying and not someone for whom you want to go out of your way.

OP here. I agree with you and we've decided to go. We even found tickets to an airport nearish to the beach town for under $400 pp. Unfortunately all the rooms in the town have a 2 night minimum on summer weekends, so there's another $500 we're committed to spending, and that's all 5 of us crammed in 1 room. (no cheap motels nearby). Mary is a user--I know prescription drug abuse is a kind of using--but we rarely see her, and this event means a lot to her. Realizing that my kids would someday ask why we didn't go to cousin Jason's wedding...not good. I don't want to be that person who dislikes the wife more than I appreciate the SIL.

To the poster who snarked that I clearly have nothing better to do than post the limerick...did you read the original post? I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't have a conscience about Mary. I needed advice. Then others chimed in asking for the limerick, so I posted it. It took 2 minutes. Eesh.

The poster who commented about not tolerating an 8 hour drive--that's us. I and 2 of my kids all get carsick, so unless I'm drugged (which means DH makes the 8 hour drive), dramamine on a 2hr flight is far preferable.

Thanks all, for the feedback. We're all 5 going to the party.

[Anonymous]

What would Mary like you to do? Do that. (And regarding the crass request for gifts, yeah it is. However, they clearly have no money and will be moving a lot. They don't need a vase.)