Changing a rescuer-victim relationship

[Anonymous]

There is someone I am close to that I keep slipping into a rescuer-victim relationship with. I am aware of it happening and try to stop us from going down that path. But it keeps happening. The person reaches out for help, I become the rescuer. And it just changes our whole dynamic in a way that I don’t think is healthy. I care about the person and want to help but want to do it while also empowering her. But there is a shift that happens- she starts talking like a little girl, and acts helpless, and becomes the “victim”. How do I stop this cycle? How do I help while not slipping into these roles?

[Anonymous]

How are you “helping”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you “helping”?

Being there to talk to. I listen, I ask questions, and I guess this is the part I need to stop doing- I give advice. Sometimes I look up resources for her. It’s when her voice starts changing that I know we’ve slipped into it again.

[Anonymous]

On further reflection - I think I do have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice to not just this one person, but other close friends and family, usually ones who are younger. It must be so annoying. I can not seem to help myself. How do I stop??? I just feel compelled to offer solutions. And I'm not generous enough with encouragement and praise. It's a bad habit, but how do I break it?

[Anonymous]

Remember to always ask them what they plan to do about a problem before you offer any solutions.

Stop offering help of any kind that will take up your time, especially if the person isn’t doing anything to help themselves.

When you hear the childish voice, take that as a cue to end the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On further reflection - I think I do have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice to not just this one person, but other close friends and family, usually ones who are younger. It must be so annoying. I can not seem to help myself. How do I stop??? I just feel compelled to offer solutions. And I'm not generous enough with encouragement and praise. It's a bad habit, but how do I break it?

Well you are self aware of a characteristic you want to change in yourself, and that is a great start.


Listen. Ask if your friend(s) want advice. Limit what you share in opinion since you’re clearly heavily influential. You’ll learn more and broaden your perspective listening, and also demonstrate that you test your friends to demonstrate their own empowerment in decision making. You can always affirm later.

[Anonymous]

*trust your friends

[Anonymous]

Also, why do you like saving people from difficulty? Did you have no one to intercede for you as A child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, why do you like saving people from difficulty? Did you have no one to intercede for you as A child?

What a great question that I haven't asked myself. And a connection I would have never seen. To answer your question, no, I had no one that listened, understood, or intervened when I was being abused and socially isolated as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On further reflection - I think I do have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice to not just this one person, but other close friends and family, usually ones who are younger. It must be so annoying. I can not seem to help myself. How do I stop??? I just feel compelled to offer solutions. And I'm not generous enough with encouragement and praise. It's a bad habit, but how do I break it?

Well you are self aware of a characteristic you want to change in yourself, and that is a great start.


Listen. Ask if your friend(s) want advice. Limit what you share in opinion since you’re clearly heavily influential. You’ll learn more and broaden your perspective listening, and also demonstrate that you test your friends to demonstrate their own empowerment in decision making. You can always affirm later.

This is so helpful. Yes, I need to trust them more. I feel like I need an actual script as a replacement. The compulsion to go in with advice is strong.

[Anonymous]

You need to do inner child work, probably heal a mother wound, work on your self-esteem, self-love and self-compassion, and then learn to set and enforce boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On further reflection - I think I do have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice to not just this one person, but other close friends and family, usually ones who are younger. It must be so annoying. I can not seem to help myself. How do I stop??? I just feel compelled to offer solutions. And I'm not generous enough with encouragement and praise. It's a bad habit, but how do I break it?

Well you are self aware of a characteristic you want to change in yourself, and that is a great start.


Listen. Ask if your friend(s) want advice. Limit what you share in opinion since you’re clearly heavily influential. You’ll learn more and broaden your perspective listening, and also demonstrate that you test your friends to demonstrate their own empowerment in decision making. You can always affirm later.

This is so helpful. Yes, I need to trust them more. I feel like I need an actual script as a replacement. The compulsion to go in with advice is strong.

You have ultimate power in the responsibility of your response. You’ll be fine. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

In the grand scheme of possible character flaws, this is a great one to have. You want to be helpful, sometimes to the point of not encouraging the helpee to be empowered to come up with their own solutions. But you’re wanting to help your friends and family, and have a lot of empathy, and that’s fantastic.

Since the urge to help is so strong, what about working with a counselor on what language and discourse to use to help others in an empowering way? Trying to turn that off will make you feel like you’re not being you and it’s a great trait to have. The language should just change, right? So that you’re helping them come up with their own solutions rather than you coming up with them for them? A therapist does this all the time and can help guide you in how to interact with others in crisis or need in a strengthening way.

[Anonymous]

women dont want solutions. men are fixers, but women just want someone to listen to them. she doesnt want your solutions, really, just someone to talk to. Anyone can be that someone. You can transition out of that role!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, why do you like saving people from difficulty? Did you have no one to intercede for you as A child?

What a great question that I haven't asked myself. And a connection I would have never seen. To answer your question, no, I had no one that listened, understood, or intervened when I was being abused and socially isolated as a child.

+1 NP, just wanted to say the same. What an eye opening question.