Building resilience in whiny kids

[Anonymous]

Forgive the title; I don’t mean to label my dd a whiner but I’m worried we’re getting there. Dd 5 cries and whines about everything. It’s not something Dh and I are good at understanding. She’s much more empathetic than either of us. But I believe in giving people what they need and so both of us have always given her a lot of empathy. Big hugs, we listen to her and we try to talk through what happened. We’re very present and she has a great life, so in our minds there’s little to be crying about nonstop. We are exceptionally fair between siblings.

Her younger sibling took a toy, the kid at daycare didn’t want to play with her, the dog almost jumped on her. After we’ve comforted dd we give her words to walk her through how she should find someone else to play with and that not everyone is nice. We’re sorry that the kid didn’t want to play with you and that they shouldn’t do that.

Anyways, are we doing this right? Should we be comforting her more or less? So far I feel like we’ve comforted more but she’s getting worse. I want to build resilience! Dd just feels things to a much greater extent than anyone I know.

[Anonymous]

If she’s being rewarded with a lot of attention for these little meltdowns maybe she is using them to get more attention in general. I’d try a less coddling approach.

[Anonymous]

It kinda sounds like you are rewarding the exact behaviours that you are trying to change. Instead of giving lots of attention when she is needy...give her a lot of positive attention when she is being independent and resourceful.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to her about what’s a big deal, that reasonably requires a big reaction, and what’s a little deal, that requires a little reaction. A little deal is something that is temporary, can be ignored, and may just require a plan B, rather than a meltdown. It’s a matter of reframing the issue at hand. These things do feel like a big deal to her, but she needs to think of them as little deals. You can acknowledge the feeling in the moment, and then encourage her to use a coping skill and move on.

[Anonymous]

Op,here. I don’t think we coddle too much. What would you say if she’s crying? I agree that is a ploy for attention. We try not to give attention to the crying. It’s hard because I don’t want to just tell her to buck up.

[Anonymous]

You can say something kind, such as, “That sounds hard.” Then put it back on her. “How can you have fun with a different toy?” The empathetic part has to be brief and always point her back towards her agency in the situation.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid who is a crier. Super sensitive, has anxiety, and the waterworks just happens. You can tell when it’s fake and for attention and when it’s real, and op, it sounds like it’s real for your daughter. It’s definitely gotten better as mine has gotten older (early teen now) but it did take some work on their part and ours. Not sure your if your dd has anxiety, but I bet she does.

You can validate, hug, but don’t go overboard with the empathy/talking it all out. Sometimes kids just need to know we hear them and they can move on. Kid bullying them—yes they need a lot of attention. Didn’t get the bigger half of the last slice of cake? Don’t give a ton of attention. We also have had to push them past their comfort zone over the years due to the anxiety. And yes; that means MORE tears sometimes when they faced their worries/fears/discomforts head-on, but it built resilience and we can go back and remind them “hey remember when you were too scared to go on that big slide? And once you did it you loved it?” If you’re kid had a bad day at school don’t say “you’re fine!! What do you have to be sad about???!’ Because it does nothing to help them. Growing up and experiencing kid-related issues IS hard for them, even though it wouldn’t be for us.

One phrase I heard on a parenting podcast as “wow, that’s a bummer” said in an empathetic tone actually goes pretty far with my kids, even the sensitive one. It’s simple, but effective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can say something kind, such as, “That sounds hard.” Then put it back on her. “How can you have fun with a different toy?” The empathetic part has to be brief and always point her back towards her agency in the situation.

We do a similar thing but frame it as “is this a crying problem or a solving problem?” If she’s hurt or sad, that’s a crying problem and empathy and cuddles are the way to go. If she’s mad or frustrated, that’s a solving problem - you can work on identifying the difference, building the brain tools to help tackle “solving” problems without crying. The goal is to help your kid recognize and identify the underlying feeling she is having and then take action to resolve that rather than the crying and relying on adult help or sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,here. I don’t think we coddle too much. What would you say if she’s crying? I agree that is a ploy for attention. We try not to give attention to the crying. It’s hard because I don’t want to just tell her to buck up.

You could say, “I can tell you’re sad about that. Let me know when you’ve got your tears out. Then we can talk about a plan to find another toy.” Then walk away.

If she objects to you walking away, then it’s about attention to the tears. Just repeat. “You can sit here and get your tears out. Come to the kitchen when they’re done. Then we can talk.” Walk away.

Then when she comes to you without crying, “So let’s talk through how to get xyz....”

[Anonymous]

Take off belt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say something kind, such as, “That sounds hard.” Then put it back on her. “How can you have fun with a different toy?” The empathetic part has to be brief and always point her back towards her agency in the situation.

We do a similar thing but frame it as “is this a crying problem or a solving problem?” If she’s hurt or sad, that’s a crying problem and empathy and cuddles are the way to go. If she’s mad or frustrated, that’s a solving problem - you can work on identifying the difference, building the brain tools to help tackle “solving” problems without crying. The goal is to help your kid recognize and identify the underlying feeling she is having and then take action to resolve that rather than the crying and relying on adult help or sympathy.

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say something kind, such as, “That sounds hard.” Then put it back on her. “How can you have fun with a different toy?” The empathetic part has to be brief and always point her back towards her agency in the situation.

We do a similar thing but frame it as “is this a crying problem or a solving problem?” If she’s hurt or sad, that’s a crying problem and empathy and cuddles are the way to go. If she’s mad or frustrated, that’s a solving problem - you can work on identifying the difference, building the brain tools to help tackle “solving” problems without crying. The goal is to help your kid recognize and identify the underlying feeling she is having and then take action to resolve that rather than the crying and relying on adult help or sympathy.

New poster here -- I like this!

[Anonymous]

Too much attention given feeds her continued melt downs.

Her younger sibling taking a toy should not result in tears at 5 years old.

The kid at daycare is not required to play with her. Saying the other little girl was not nice was way off.

Keep it simple. Less attention. "I'm sorry you were/are sad. Seek something that cheers you up." Make a picture chart of her happy things if needed. Have her go check it and pick one.

[Anonymous]

I don’t thinking whining is necessarily a sign that a kid doesn’t have resilience. I’ve taught many grumblers who make a lot of fuss, but are able to keep working and many kids who never make a peep of complaint, but are stuck and unable to produce. In the end, the ones who fuss and still work are much better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take off belt

Hi, my dad used to do this to me as a kid and I felt sick to my stomach when I read this.

Hitting your kids does not build resilience. It made me timid and fearful, which actually exacerbated my whining and complaining. It also destroyed my relationship with my parents and caused trauma that I still deal with 40 years later.