How do you know a guy is truly ready for marriage and kids?

[Anonymous]

Is it ever worth it to marry a guy, say at 26 and wait until he matures for kids?

Or should you marry someone ready for kids at 26?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you interested in being a mom or a wife? I hope you rethink the way that you are posing this question, because it sounds like you're looking for a stud service only.

[Anonymous]

Do you want kids? Do you want them now?

Don't ever marry someone who does not share your basic goals around family and marriage, hoping they'll "come around". That is always a bad idea.

But nothing wrong with marrying someone who isn't ready for kids at 26 if you are also not ready for kids at 26 and you guys largely agree on your long term plans and love each other and collaborate well and no how to resolve differences.

If you are 26 and anxious to have kids, you should look for a man who feels similarly. If you are going to compromise, it should be with someone who is like "I really want kids but I want to finish grad school first -- how do you feel about starting to try when we are 28-29" and if that feels reasonable to you, that works. But do not marry someone who is like "Uh, I don't know, I don't want to think about kids right now, we'll figure it out" if what you really want is to have kids soon.

[Anonymous]

It is ok to marry someone who does not want kids right now for whatever reason. But look for someone who enthusiastically states that he wants them and has a concrete plan for getting there. If your concern is maturity and he is not mature enough to be a parent, I would not marry him at all.

[Anonymous]

Go to real pre marital counseling and ask the tough family of origin questions and roles/responsibilities questions. Not the church or temple pre cana stuff, real counseling. And don’t take socially acceptable canned responses, dig in.

[Anonymous]

They are never ready. Even if they truly believe they are.

[Anonymous]

If you want kids soon, no. He will not come around on your timeline.

If you want kids on a longer time frame, but he's waffling or unwilling to commit to that, then I'd just live together awhile, see how it evolves.

If you both definitely want kids, and you're on the same page about when, it's just not now (say, you both want to wait until you're 30, or he wants to wait until 30 and you're fine with that), then sure, marry away.

[Anonymous]

I met him when he was 24.5 and I was 26. We married at 27/28 and decided to wait until we BOTH matured and got our partying/travel out of the way to have kids...first one we were 34/35.

We had zero fertility problems and I got pregnant on the first try with both kids (34 and 37). It was the right decision and it's been great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met him when he was 24.5 and I was 26. We married at 27/28 and decided to wait until we BOTH matured and got our partying/travel out of the way to have kids...first one we were 34/35.

We had zero fertility problems and I got pregnant on the first try with both kids (34 and 37). It was the right decision and it's been great!

Lucky you. Not all of us have the same life path.

[Anonymous]

I have always wanted to be a mother.
If I had been with someone at 26 who wasn’t sure about kids, I would have broken it off (I know it’s hard!), and looked for someone who does want kids.

Along the same lines, I wanted to be a doctor, and if I didn’t get accepted when I first applied, I would have spent a year or two improving my application, retake the MCAT, etc. I wouldn’t sit back and just hope that things work out.

[Anonymous]

DH was 26 when we married, I was 25, 42 now. He knew he wanted to be a dad, for example was a summer camp counselor and talked about how he loved kids. It was always something we wanted, but certainly not at those ages! We waited three years to have our first. I think those first couple of years of marriage, just the two of you, are really important for solidifying the foundation of the (future) family.

[Anonymous]

You can know if a guy isn't ready to be a dad, avoid those guys.

Other than that it's a crapshoot. You can't go by them saying they want to be a dad, or love kids, babysit, camp counselors, teachers, etc

So many people think they want kids and say all those things and when they actually have the kid not so much.

[Anonymous]

- He tells you
- you meet his family
- He tells you
- he discusses future planning with you
- he tells you
- he puts his plans into action without you
- he tells you
- he welcomes you into the fold of the dream world he is excited to share with you


That is how it goes in general there are always deviations esp based on age, or economic status of both, logistics and living conditions etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can know if a guy isn't ready to be a dad, avoid those guys.

Other than that it's a crapshoot. You can't go by them saying they want to be a dad, or love kids, babysit, camp counselors, teachers, etc

So many people think they want kids and say all those things and when they actually have the kid not so much.

Why would you say this? If a woman said she wanted kids, you would believe her. The kind of man who wants to marry at 26 and tell his fiancee he loves and wants kids...likely does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it ever worth it to marry a guy, say at 26 and wait until he matures for kids?

Or should you marry someone ready for kids at 26?

I wouldn't marry a guy if I didn't think he was mature enough for marriage and someday having kids. I got married at 26 and my husband was 27 and we wanted to wait a few years before we had kids to focus on our careers and enjoying being a couple. I was 31 when we had our first baby and we had two more within 3 years. We had saved a good amount of money and we were definitely ready to have children. There is no school you attend to learn how to be a good parent but someone being grounded and mature is a very good starting place. Immature frat boys are high risk.