Confused about all the gender bending

[Anonymous]

Bear with me. I am obviously behind the times but I need some perspective. My daughter (13) who has been very gender typical until recently (crushes on boys, all-girl friend groups, doesn’t stand out otherwise in terms or dress or tastes) now claims to be either pan sexual or omni sexual. She is reading a lot of LGBTQ literature and spending time on gender bending fan fiction sites, and I can’t help but think some of her sexual attitude is acculturation. Neither her dad or I are super gendered (I am not very girly, he is not very macho) but neither of us has ever been confused about our heterosexuality. For a while we didn’t take her seriously but now that’s she's sticking to her line we are trying to be supportive without boxing her in. Ultimately I don’t care how she gets her kicks but I just want to better understand what is going on. Can you please share your experiences if your kids have been through something similar?

[Anonymous]

Following. I am in a similar situation with my DD. She told us a few years ago she is lesbian (not terribly surprising) but now says she identifies as a demigirl and prefers they/them pronouns. I did some research, and demigirl sounds basically like what I have felt like my entire life but never really thought twice about. I am not conventionally feminine, and my husband is not conventionally macho. Our generation worked so hard to expand the notion of what it means to be female--you can be strong, ambitious, loud, athletic, aggressive, whatever--and now it seems like kids are putting "female" in this small, weak box and identifying anything outside that stereotype as something other. In many ways, it feels like a repudiation of feminism and several steps back. I'm trying to be supportive but just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a lot of answers for you, but I can attest to a very similar experience. DD (17) identifies as queer and says she likes men and women (she said this out loud at her first gyn appt recently). I read some of her HS writing assignments and she discussed not liking the expectation at her grandparents’ house that the women cook and do the dishes and the men stay at the table and chat. But I’m sure there is plenty of other info influencing her thoughts besides her home experiences.

In our immediate family, I am not at all girly (I am not super-focused on fashion or my appearance, plus I love tools, cars, and help DH figure out car repairs) and DH is very domestic compared to my father and brother (he happily cleans our bathrooms, vacuums, cleans up after dinner, etc). So it’s hard to think she gets her ideas from our nuclear family.

I also feel very behind the times, but am trying to learn. I feel like making an effort to understand goes a long way. Fortunately my daughter is happy to keep explaining things to me!

[Anonymous]

We were all the things your child is but we didn’t have the language for it.

All the language is fungi sung because you never learned it.

[Anonymous]

“Our generation worked so hard to expand the notion of what it means to be female--you can be strong, ambitious, loud, athletic, aggressive, whatever--and now it seems like kids are putting "female" in this small, weak box and identifying anything outside that stereotype as something other.”

OP here. This! It makes me so sad. Womanhood is so powerful, and I know I have set an empowering example. That is partly why I am confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Our generation worked so hard to expand the notion of what it means to be female--you can be strong, ambitious, loud, athletic, aggressive, whatever--and now it seems like kids are putting "female" in this small, weak box and identifying anything outside that stereotype as something other.”

OP here. This! It makes me so sad. Womanhood is so powerful, and I know I have set an empowering example. That is partly why I am confused.

That is not what is happening. You can be a strong woman and I can be a strong Demigirl. How does that diminish “Womanhood”?

Nobody said women are week. Some femakes assigned at birth just don’t fit into your expanded box.

[Anonymous]

Same. Daughter just turned 13. Her friend group is the same as it was 3 years ago. All kids in same aap class.
5/6 of the kids have come out. I think it’s become a new identity and kids want to belong to something
Serious question? Is she on tick tock? It is literally loaded with lesbian/gay propaganda and it I think has had influence
Just be accepting. Let them figure it out. Be open to communicating. Could be a phase or not, but there’s a lot of pressure these days for girls to be a certain thing these days. Girls always had crushes or infatuation with girls in their classes. They aren’t old enough to process all this and determine fondness vs friendship vs sexual feelings. It’s all one in the same to them right now/.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Our generation worked so hard to expand the notion of what it means to be female--you can be strong, ambitious, loud, athletic, aggressive, whatever--and now it seems like kids are putting "female" in this small, weak box and identifying anything outside that stereotype as something other.”

OP here. This! It makes me so sad. Womanhood is so powerful, and I know I have set an empowering example. That is partly why I am confused.

I'm going to disagree, strongly, about what you're saying here, but I'm also confused how it's relevant. Your daughter identifies as some version of pan/Omni sexual (I'm old so I think of that all as being bisexual but I get that younger people don't use that identifier as much). None of that has to go with what she thinks being a woman is. It doesn't sound like she's anything but a woman, just not a straight one.

But even if she is questioning that, it doesn't have to do with not finding women powerful. I'm married to a trans man; he doesn't think women shouldn't be loud, strong, or powerful, he just thinks he isn't one. He's not trying to be stronger or more empowered by becoming a man, he's just trying to be more himself. He's not those things either, he's fundamentally the same person he was for the years before transition (only happier). It's hard to explain, but having seen it up close, it's not like what you're thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Our generation worked so hard to expand the notion of what it means to be female--you can be strong, ambitious, loud, athletic, aggressive, whatever--and now it seems like kids are putting "female" in this small, weak box and identifying anything outside that stereotype as something other.”

OP here. This! It makes me so sad. Womanhood is so powerful, and I know I have set an empowering example. That is partly why I am confused.

That is not what is happening. You can be a strong woman and I can be a strong Demigirl. How does that diminish “Womanhood”?

Nobody said women are week. Some femakes assigned at birth just don’t fit into your expanded box.

Our generation didn’t have a box. That’s the point. You could be any which way, you were still a woman. “Free to be you and me” and all that.

I don’t know, op. Every generation needs to rebel somehow. I think maybe this one had so few rules that they’re making up things to rebel against. The idea of tweens coming out as “pansexual” kinda boggles my mind though.

[Anonymous]

+1000

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 year old DD and I could have written your post, OP. I’m confused, too, but trying to be non-judgmental. I don’t care who identifies as what, but for this age group it all feels very internet-driven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 12 year old DD and I could have written your post, OP. I’m confused, too, but trying to be non-judgmental. I don’t care who identifies as what, but for this age group it all feels very internet-driven.

Same! I'm as liberal as they come and don't care who you love but my DD has never been confused about her gender. My good friend's daughter - when she could barely talk, insisted on not wearing the beautiful dresses her mom bought her. That boy, who was born Emma, knew from the earliest of ages he was gender non-conforming. My daughter, now 12, has only recently given lots and lots and lots of thought about pronouns and gender. Now refusing to wear a swimming suit and only swimming shorts and is very curious about a couple of boys at her school that she believes are gay.

[Anonymous]

You should seriously look this up on Wikipedia instead of tossing the dice in DCUM. You will get some terrible information from commenters here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should seriously look this up on Wikipedia instead of tossing the dice in DCUM. You will get some terrible information from commenters here.

Because Wikipedia is the source of all wisdom and truth?

[Anonymous]

Pan/Omni is about sexual orientation. This generation of kids is in a much safer space to express where on that scale they fall then we were. My 12 year old is a Lesbian and it is no phase. To say that 12 yr olds don't know what they are attracted to is just wrong. I knew well before 12 that I was attracted to males. Why would it be any different for someone attracted to their same gender or any gender?

As for the gendered expectations comments. Yes women have less gendered expectations but don't ignore that they are still very there. Have you read any thread on here about what makes a woman attractive or how to get a guy? And boys have that even worse. We still have a lot of work to do on this front as a society.

Just be open, accepting and listen.