My mom is an evil stepmother

[Anonymous]

My divorced mom remarried in my late twenties. Her husband was much more financially stable than she was when they married (my mom insisted on staying in our childhood home, which she could not afford, so she spent all her money on mortgage and home ownership costs).

My stepdad was a good man but he had a pretty fraught relationship to his two sons. He was gone a lot during their childhood, they had to move constantly for his work and he married my mom less than a year after their mother died from cancer.

He left all his assets to my mom, including sentimental things. My mom is now insisting that my stepbrothers don’t deserve any of the sentimental stuff or that they can just wait until after she dies because they 1) don’t call or visit her and 2) she has “more memories” of their dad using these items because she actually lived with him for 5 straight years, which they never really did, due to all his work travel.

I am just the bystander but even hearing only my mom’s self-interested version, she sounds incredibly cruel and selfish. That said, she is still grieving her husband. I don’t know whether to even try to be honest with her about how much I disagree with her approach.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk your mother around to inviting these step sons over to maybe take some things that they'd like to keep ?

It may be that she is still grieving quite strongly and that can make people a bit inflexible around items like this. She might just need a little time.

[Anonymous]

That’s pretty sad. Have you talked to your step brothers? Do you know if they even want anything?

[Anonymous]

I haven’t talked to them directly. I am hearing it all from my mom’s side in the sense of “I can’t believe they had the gall to ask for XYZ! They didn’t even call me on my birthday!”

I have been giving her time. We are coming up on the 1-year anniversary.

[Anonymous]

You really must push her to give those thing back. That’s what I would do.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down and have a kind but firm conversation with her. These things the sons want have nothing to do with her. They are sentimental to the sons because of thier relationship with thier dad. The sons owe her nothing. You can sympathize with her pain. Ask her how she feels when they do not call. Then point out what she is doing is just as bad if not worse. And get her to try to think about how they feel. Then push her to give them each one or two things.

[Anonymous]

I would have her select things she is willing to part with to start. Box them up and offer them the sons to start. As time passes she may be willing to part with more gradually, bit by bit.

[Anonymous]

OP maybe go visit and have a talk about her future and what she wants from the next chapter of her life. Get her thinking about bright things ahead. THEN suggest you and she put together momento boxes for each son.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was one of my step-sisters in law writing about my stepmother in law, but my MIL didn't die of cancer, she was just a mean alcoholic who was terrible mother. My husband got nothing when his father died and will get nothing with step-mom dies. He expected nothing. He barely saw his father and his step mom was cruel and unwelcoming. Meanwhile the step-sisters grew up going to private school and being favored. I am amazed at my husband's resilience with so much. His siblings have struggled with the favoritism. Meanwhile his step-sisters entitled behavior has gotten them into trouble in the workplace so it's not always good to be treated like a princess.

[Anonymous]

I would go to your moms house and surreptitously look around for photo albums of their mom and just take them and give them to your stepbrothers.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, your mom is awful and I’m not sure there’s anything you can do about it. I’d call the stepbrothers to validate that she’s being awful, and tell them that you’ll preserve the items for them if your mom dies and leaves them to you.

[Anonymous]

I would be honest with her. A year is long enough to treat her with kid gloves but of course be as kind as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go to your moms house and surreptitously look around for photo albums of their mom and just take them and give them to your stepbrothers.

Yeah I was kind of wondering if you could get your mom to give you the sentimental stuff and then you pass it on to the brothers.

[Anonymous]

If she’s not willing to budge I would call the step brothers and just have a honest chat with them and let them know that you understand and feel for them and that you are trying to move things in the ‘right’ direction.

The birthday stuff is nonsense, and she knows it.

[Anonymous]

The man was your stepfather. Can you explain to your mom what it would be like for you if she had died, and your stepfather had handled this the way she is handling it? I would 100% tell my mom that what she is doing is awful. I am not sure how you have responded so far, but you may be unintentionally causing her to feel supported.

My mom would be very difficult to budge in this situation. But I would clearly tell her how I felt, and reinforce it each time she brings it up with, "I am completely on their side about this, so it is best we don't talk about it."