Elderly Parent Who Does Not Want to Move

[Anonymous]

My mother's needs are increasing after several falls this year, and she has become increasingly resistant to leaving the house (at all) and no longer wants physical therapy. She is being evaluated for neurodegenerative conditions, but nothing is definite yet. We would like to get her evaluated for an assisted living, but she is adamant she is not going anywhere. She lives in an apartment in my house, and currently has an aide.

The assisted livings have understandably said they would need her to cooperate for an assessment, and they suggested we show her some virtual tours to get her interested. We are going to try this, but I am very dubious that this will work. Just wondering if others have dealt with this, and if they have any tips. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I don't have tips, OP, but I wish you well. This is really hard.

I wish we talked about these situations in our culture more before they come up. When they do come up, there is often at least an element of paranoia and irrationality that makes the conversations hard to have in a useful way.

I think that what we really need is more portrayals of this in popular culture -- movies, books, things that families might discuss in an impersonal way long before it becomes immediately relevant. Of course, people can change their opinions over time, but I think it would help to have the foundation.

[Anonymous]

What do the assisted living places offer that her current situation does not? If she is in your home and she has help coming in, it sounds like she is already getting what she would be getting if she moves to an assisted living place. IME, the next step would happen when she needs to go into a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do the assisted living places offer that her current situation does not? If she is in your home and she has help coming in, it sounds like she is already getting what she would be getting if she moves to an assisted living place. IME, the next step would happen when she needs to go into a nursing home.

I'm not the OP.

Where did you read that the mother is living in OP's house and having help come in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do the assisted living places offer that her current situation does not? If she is in your home and she has help coming in, it sounds like she is already getting what she would be getting if she moves to an assisted living place. IME, the next step would happen when she needs to go into a nursing home.

I'm not the OP.

Where did you read that the mother is living in OP's house and having help come in?

First paragraph contains these actual words: "She lives in an apartment in my house, and currently has an aide."

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, she knows you won’t kick her out so she has no incentive to cooperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother's needs are increasing after several falls this year, and she has become increasingly resistant to leaving the house (at all) and no longer wants physical therapy. She is being evaluated for neurodegenerative conditions, but nothing is definite yet. We would like to get her evaluated for an assisted living, but she is adamant she is not going anywhere. She lives in an apartment in my house, and currently has an aide.

The assisted livings have understandably said they would need her to cooperate for an assessment, and they suggested we show her some virtual tours to get her interested. We are going to try this, but I am very dubious that this will work. Just wondering if others have dealt with this, and if they have any tips. Thanks.

I’m just jealous she lives in your house. Mine are cross-country. This is NOT to diminish your situation at all through. It’s so hard when they dig in like this, regardless of WHERE they are. You might have to include a social worker.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, OP here. Her needs have increased including overnight and her mobility is limited. She is receiving counseling currently, but it has done nothing to diminish her reluctance to go out at all nevermind move.

[Anonymous]

Assisted living is expensive. If she doesn’t want to do that why not just increase the amount of time you have an aid with her. You can go all the way up to 24/7 if/when you need to.

My mom was in assisted living. Eventually she needed 24/7 aids in addition to assisted living. Now that was really expensive.

[Anonymous]

Does she currently have an aide 24x7? Does she have the financial resources for care around the clock in her apartment? Unfortunately, it often takes a crisis that causes a deterioration in the level of functioning for a person to move to assisted living (i.e. a fall, hospitalization, etc).

Is there a trusted physician or clergy member she might listen to? Sometimes it less fraught for someone outside the family to initiate such discussions.

Do you know what her resistance to leaving the house is rooted in? Have you shared your concerns with her? Is she otherwise rational and reasonable? It might help your frustration if you could connect with the feelings behind her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do the assisted living places offer that her current situation does not? If she is in your home and she has help coming in, it sounds like she is already getting what she would be getting if she moves to an assisted living place. IME, the next step would happen when she needs to go into a nursing home.

+1

From what I’ve seen of AL, she would get less help there not more.

If you can afford home care that is.

You can add on other services, if the aide is not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP here. Her needs have increased including overnight and her mobility is limited. She is receiving counseling currently, but it has done nothing to diminish her reluctance to go out at all nevermind move.

She may be beyond assisted living. She may need a full fledged nursing home.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others, unless your home is a hazard for her, it’ll probably be cheaper to have care increased to 24/7.

If you do have to move her, and talking sense isn’t working, these are your options:
—trick her. Take her away for a few days while someone packs up, moves and unpacks her stuff in an AL place.
—wait until she is hospitalized for something serious and while in the hospital, move her stuff to the new place. Often you can tell them that the doctor said they had to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do the assisted living places offer that her current situation does not? If she is in your home and she has help coming in, it sounds like she is already getting what she would be getting if she moves to an assisted living place. IME, the next step would happen when she needs to go into a nursing home.

I'm not the OP.

Where did you read that the mother is living in OP's house and having help come in?

"She lives in an apt in my house." " She has an aide coming in."

[Anonymous]

Can you explain why you think assisted living is better?

Are you under the mistaken impression she will receive a more watchful eye and oversight in assisted living? Because she won’t.

She is right to resist leaning. Living in an apartment in her daughters house is much better and healthier than assisted living. With the money saved from not paying for assisted living, you could hire part time health care aides to come in and be with her part of the time.

There’s this myth that assisted living is best for old people. Frequently it is not. I think the Smiths exist both due to marketing from the industry and because children want that to be true because they want to feel like they are doing the right thing by putting their parents in assisted-living rather than caring for them themselves.