If you are "the ugly sister" in your family

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else obviously "the ugly sister" in your family? At 40, it still gets hard to hear the discrepancy in comments from people - even though I know they aren't intentional. My older sister, Jen, is quite clearly the pretty sister. She's naturally very petite, has big blue eyes, and delicate features overall. I'm more... robust (not fat, but my frame is hearty). Brown eyes, more neantherthal-y features that aren't delicate at all, and have never been called "beautiful" by others. Jen gets all the compliments. It isn't as though she lets it get to her head - she's loving, kind, and beautiful inside... and I know that I have personality traits that have their own that are admirable. But I'm definitely not pretty. Never have been, never will be, and sometimes it's hurtful to know you're always in someone else's shadow through no fault of your own - it's just the way the genetic chips dropped.

Is anyone else "the ugly sister?" Do you ever struggle with this? How have you come to peace with feeling like you're less than in some way?

[Anonymous]

I am definitely the ugly sister AND the stupid sister. But you know, I'm the funnier sister and the more creative sister. One is not more important than another.

Why are you placing so much importance on looks?

[Anonymous]

No. I have two sisters and I feel like we are all pretty equally good looking but I also feel like we have gone through periods where one was better looking than the other at that point in time. Like when I was going through my awkward middle school years and my sister was 19, she was prettier. When she was 30 and recovering from her first baby, and I was in my mid-20s and childless, I was prettier.

But I am the least successful, financially, academically, career wise, and relationship wise. So I feel like the black sheep and it does feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I have two sisters and I feel like we are all pretty equally good looking but I also feel like we have gone through periods where one was better looking than the other at that point in time. Like when I was going through my awkward middle school years and my sister was 19, she was prettier. When she was 30 and recovering from her first baby, and I was in my mid-20s and childless, I was prettier.

But I am the least successful, financially, academically, career wise, and relationship wise. So I feel like the black sheep and it does feel bad.

I wrote this and would like to add some thing else. My sisters are not very nice to me. They are close with each other and I am the odd one out. It sounds like your sister is nice and you like her. Count your blessings. It’s great that you have a sister who is kind to you.

[Anonymous]

My aunt always said she was the “ugly” sister, the one who did good in school but was not pretty. When we look at photos now of my mother and all her sisters- none of them were ugly! The “ugly” sister was arguably the prettiest of the bunch!

Have some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Yep. And then I dyed my hair red. Best decision I ever made.

[Anonymous]

No, you grow up

[Anonymous]

Yes! People would tell me how beautiful my sister was. I wanted to say "and me....?". Hah! Well, in my case I am the oldest. I knew it would have been tough to follow in her footsteps if she had been older. She was pretty, smart, popular and perfect. I would have been so envious if she were older and I had to watch myself fail where a sibling recently succeeded.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, that sucks. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder so hold your head high. -DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt always said she was the “ugly” sister, the one who did good in school but was not pretty. When we look at photos now of my mother and all her sisters- none of them were ugly! The “ugly” sister was arguably the prettiest of the bunch!

Have some perspective.

This is often the case. The perceived as beautiful sister/classmate/neighbor/whatever is usually the girly/groomed/whatever one.

[Anonymous]

Beauty is just a lottery and so much can be compensated for with grooming and decent clothes. A good relationship and other traits are more important. Beauty fades with age, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beauty is just a lottery and so much can be compensated for with grooming and decent clothes. A good relationship and other traits are more important. Beauty fades with age, anyway.

True, and sometimes sisters become ugly on this inside and that gets worse with age.

[Anonymous]

When I first met my friend I thought she was ugly. She was big, with big features. But she became more and more beautiful the better I got to know her. She's stunning, inside and out.

Show yourself some grace.

[Anonymous]

I am the “ugly” sister, but that is because I was a late bloomer— my awkward preteen years lasted a Really Long Time while my sister never seemed to have one, she went from cute kid to beautiful preteen.

Happily I grew into my looks and because I spent 9-16 convinced I was just never going to be especially pretty I focused on other things and am now the “smart” and “successful” one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beauty is just a lottery and so much can be compensated for with grooming and decent clothes. A good relationship and other traits are more important. Beauty fades with age, anyway.

+1

My sister is objectively better looking than me. She is tiny, blonde, and danced professionally (ballet). She has a perfect little nose and giant blue eyes that make her look like a Disney princess came to life. People have fawned over her our entire lives. She also puts a lot of effort into her appearance and maintaining her figure.

I am pretty enough but will never measure up physically to her - so I don't try. My DH likes what he's got, I make an effort to be presentable (good skin/hair/teeth, regular exercise, healthy diet), and beyond that I just don't try to compare myself. We're different people - I have a stable and loving relationship, great career, and am a mellow, happy person. I'm grateful for my life and I focus on that.

Also - everyone has their demons and their own struggles. My sister had a hard time following in my footsteps because I did well in school and had a lot of early success, while it took her a while to figure out her career when she stopped dancing. She spent many years hearing about how successful and impressive I am, while I heard about how gorgeous she is. Comparison is the thief of joy - you can't stop other people from making the comparisons but you can refocus on your own life and be grateful for what you have.