If you are "the ugly sister" in your family

[Anonymous]

I am the ugly sister primarily because I don't conform to my parents' pretty rigid expectations for female beauty. My sister is blonde (by choice), dresses modestly, all tasteful accessories and classic clothes. I've never fit into that mold, and have always received a lot of criticism over my appearance from them, but especially my mom. I've literally been told "Why don't you try to look like your sister."

I've reached a point in life where it mostly doesn't bother me. I look the way I want and I have no desire to look how they want. But it definitely still impacts my confidence and feelings about my appearance at times. I had PPD after my daughter was born, and one way it manifested was through some pretty scary levels of self-loathing, especially around appearance, that I think must go back to growing up as the "ugly, nonconforming" sister. It was bad, and even involved some self-harm because I was so angry at my body and my appearance. It made me realize how deeply we are all impacted by the stories our families tell about us when we are young. I know my parents are wrong about me, I know I am not ugly. But I think some part of me will always believe otherwise. There's a little girl in me who just wants the love and approval of my parents and she'll never feel good, no matter how many times I tell her that her parents were wrong.

Hugs to you, OP. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

My sister is beautiful and a little bit exotic. I am attractive enough but have a detracting feature. I'm also older and have my life way more together - financially, a happy marriage, wonderful children, happy and successful in my career. She is single, unhappy professionally and still figuring out next steps to get where she would like to be, depressed, and is still struggling with adulting. I wouldn't trade places with her for anything. We are very close and support each other.

You've got to learn to love yourself for who you are. While I wish I didn't have this detracting feature, I am not going to change how I look and in fact think it makes me a better person in other ways.

[Anonymous]

I was the pretty, smart sister while my younger was the not pretty, dumb one. Guess what, I'm divorced with no career and struggling to get by, while she's a doctor with a hot boyfriend and an even hotter doctor pursuing her.

Not to mention the crippling self-esteem issues now that I'm aging and not pretty anymore.