help me stay calm at my Big 3 during college process

[Anonymous]

My DC is at a Big 3 ending 10th about to start the college process. Any advice for staying sane?

He/she has good EC's (one really interesting/unique one that they are genuinely into), good grades but not perfect, lots of rigorous classes, This child will probably have very strong standardised scores. My kid is already worried and stressed out hearing how "Impossible" it is to get into a "good school" from older kids. My husband and I went to Ivy's but know that is probably not in the cards - given how competitive it is now. We want our kid to be happy for the next two years and find the right fit. It all seems so crazy now....Help? Advice? Anything you would have done differently

[Anonymous]

Start now to reframe the definition of "good school." He does not need to go to the same 10 schools everyone aims for to be a happy, successful person.

[Anonymous]

Why not join our big 3 public high school ?

[Anonymous]

Lay off. Let him/her drive the process. Guide but don't push. You kid will be fine. He/she is already on third base, based on his/her private school education and Ivy parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is at a Big 3 ending 10th about to start the college process. Any advice for staying sane?

He/she has good EC's (one really interesting/unique one that they are genuinely into), good grades but not perfect, lots of rigorous classes, This child will probably have very strong standardised scores. My kid is already worried and stressed out hearing how "Impossible" it is to get into a "good school" from older kids. My husband and I went to Ivy's but know that is probably not in the cards - given how competitive it is now. We want our kid to be happy for the next two years and find the right fit. It all seems so crazy now....Help? Advice? Anything you would have done differently

Where you go it’s not what you’ll be or who you are. Admit rates are literally 10 times harder than they were a generation ago and unless you’re hooked (including geography, which no one here has) it’s a total lottery. Tell him now, repeat often, and mean it.

—Three generation of Ivies spread out through them all and no reason to think mine will get in, despite their APs, GPAs, scores, and EC’s.

[Anonymous]

^ is not it’s

[Anonymous]

I went to community college and then a state school. Then a 2nd tier law school. I am a partner. One of my partners at the very same law firm went to Duke and Yale. And yet we have gotten to the same place. Where you go to college isn't everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is at a Big 3 ending 10th about to start the college process. Any advice for staying sane?

He/she has good EC's (one really interesting/unique one that they are genuinely into), good grades but not perfect, lots of rigorous classes, This child will probably have very strong standardised scores. My kid is already worried and stressed out hearing how "Impossible" it is to get into a "good school" from older kids. My husband and I went to Ivy's but know that is probably not in the cards - given how competitive it is now. We want our kid to be happy for the next two years and find the right fit. It all seems so crazy now....Help? Advice? Anything you would have done differently

Really, you might consider a CTCL panel presentation. They help families to approach the search in a very sane and healthy manner, whether your kid would ever in a million years applying to a CTCL school or not. I went with my daughter, and it gave us both very solid guidance on how to avoid family tensions during the search, how to schedule campus visits, why fit matters so much and what it looks like, not to compare lists with your friends, etc.

I feel like their philosophy gave us both another model to consider. It really helped my daughter be at peace with pursuing what she wanted, regardless of what her friends or USNWR thought.

Taking what you know about her and her tastes/preferences, just help her make a list of schools that would be exciting to consider, at all levels of selectivity. They are out there. Perhaps start with a Princeton Review Guide to find solid options that may or may be on the lips of her peers.

Good luck with it all! Your instincts sound good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is at a Big 3 ending 10th about to start the college process. Any advice for staying sane?

He/she has good EC's (one really interesting/unique one that they are genuinely into), good grades but not perfect, lots of rigorous classes, This child will probably have very strong standardised scores. My kid is already worried and stressed out hearing how "Impossible" it is to get into a "good school" from older kids. My husband and I went to Ivy's but know that is probably not in the cards - given how competitive it is now. We want our kid to be happy for the next two years and find the right fit. It all seems so crazy now....Help? Advice? Anything you would have done differently

For a child like the one you describe - already at the top of the global heap in the big scheme of things - the competitive level of the college attended is less significant than for a more disadvantaged child. Your child is destoned to have a good life outcome so do not stress so much.

[Anonymous]

Fit, fit, fit. Keep repeating it. Never mention rankings. When you visit places, ask if your child would be happy living here for 4 years. Do the students seem like people they would like/vibe with? Find some safeties your child likes and really could be happy at so it’s not disappointing if they end up there. Repeat over and over that the top 20 are a lottery for everyone! It’s ok if they want to play, but it’s a reach for everyone who applies. Make sure they have a well rounded list. Apply to some rolling and EA so they have an acceptance in hand early. ED if you child knows what they want.

You are setting the tone. If you freak out and act like it’s a crisis, so will they. Oh, and don’t talk about it all of the time. That is your anxiety, which feeds theirs (ask me how I know this).

[Anonymous]

Refuse to engage in elite college talk. Maintain a stance of, "those colleges are lovely, and it would be nice if one of them worked out. Let's talk about the likelies." For every top 20-30 college on your DC's list, find a lower-ranked counterpart. Visit THOSE schools, show those schools some love, make those schools think that DC really wants to go there. ACT as if you think DC will end up at one of those likely schools. Don't facilitate, encourage, or participate in "dream school" talk.

[Anonymous]

Watch the Varsity Blues documentary, that'll give them some shock perspective and will also highlight how everyone has been brainwashed by the faux rankings.

[Anonymous]

I tell my kid he is so lucky we can pay for college. If you have money, you are already so lucky and can go somewhere. I have also made it clear that I think there’s no point in looking at Ivies and super selective LACs. I’ve watched kids we know go through the cycle and get upset and demoralized, I’ve alumni interviewed for an ivy and seen dozens of amazing kids be rejected. What’s the point? You can get a great education so many places, let’s focus on the ones that are a reasonable shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my kid he is so lucky we can pay for college. If you have money, you are already so lucky and can go somewhere. I have also made it clear that I think there’s no point in looking at Ivies and super selective LACs. I’ve watched kids we know go through the cycle and get upset and demoralized, I’ve alumni interviewed for an ivy and seen dozens of amazing kids be rejected. What’s the point? You can get a great education so many places, let’s focus on the ones that are a reasonable shot.

+100

[Anonymous]

If your kid is getting stressed by it all (or feeling nagged by you), I have heard you can pick one time a week (like Sunday nights?) when you will bring it up.

I let my daughter choose any 2-3 reaches that she wanted (though she did use Naviance as a guide, so her choices were not off the chart). Anyway, I supported her every step of the way, but had a conversation that went something like this :

"That does seem like a great school honey. I see they have an 8% admissions rate. So, that means that more than 90% of the kids who apply there do not get in. As long as you realize that is the most likely outcome, I think it is cool that you want to take a shot at it. It is good to aim high. Maybe all of the stars will align, and you will get your wish. "

But, of course, she made a list that include 5-7 schools of less selectivity, and we made sure to talk excitedly about what they had to offer. I think that helped her put the future in perspective.