How do you deal with your frayed mother-daughter relationship?

[Anonymous]

As a kid and young adult I always felt close to my mom and liked spending time with her. In my mid 20s I started realizing a lot of the ways she let me down as a kid and started to not enjoy being around her. Things got even worse when I became a mom and realized how a mother should really take care of her children. To make matters worse I had a really hard time with PPD and she wasn't there for me in any meaningful way. Fast forward to now and I dread her calls and just flat out don't like her. At times this eats away at me. Anybody have a similar experience? I'm just tired of this taking up headspace!

[Anonymous]

I just mourned the relationship I'd hoped we would have when I became an adult. I have a couple of women who are about 15-20 years older than I am who are friends.

And I work to do better with my daughter. I'm sure DD will have complaints about me, but hopefully they are more along the lines of teasing me about the time I slapped something out of her hand I didn't want her to eat rather than her seeing a psychologist for four years to deal with an eating disorder I encouraged, you know?

And I let go of feeling guilty when I don't answer her calls. I only call her about once a month-ish, I always have a firm deadline of when I have to get off the phone, and have very firm boundaries about what I'll talk about with her.

[Anonymous]

Very similar. I rarely talk to my mom anymore. Like PP I mourned the relationship and moved on.

[Anonymous]

My mother is very argumentative and super 'respectttttt me, I'm your mother, you do as I say blah blah'. Anyways, I recently in my early 30s, came to the conclusion that I've let her down. She had big dreams of me (re: grandchildren) that my husband and I have no interest in. I don't dote on her because she's so unpleasant that I can nearly get through 2 days a year for a visit. Again, I let her down, and once I embraced the ridiculousness of that, nothing she says bothers me. I just smile and keep moving when she says something crazy. It's taken her by surprise, as she tries and tries to get me to scream at her like I used to, and thats the most delicious part HAHAHAH.

From what felt like age 10 - 29 was rough, now I'm smooth sailing. And like pp said, I grieved it and really wanted to move past her crazy, so I did. Helps to lean in to some of my friends parents who are always so kind to me.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP -- I could have written this. Right down the details about getting no postpartum support and the PPD. And I very much relate to realizing in motherhood that my mom did not care for me or relate to me in the same way. I sometimes remember things my mom said or did to me as a child, and then I look at my own similarly aged children and I can't believe it.

The biggest thing for me is detachment. It's become clear to me over the years that my mom has been suffering from serious mental health issues (depression and possibly others) for most of my life. For a time this actually made me more angry and sad because it made me wonder what might have been if she'd just gotten treatment. But the upshot is that it has really helped me realize as a mom that taking care of my mental health is important not just for me but for my kids, and to help me set an example of self-love and self-care that was not set for me. In that process, it's allowed me to let go of some of the anger and sadness and view my childhood with more detachment. I can see what went wrong, but I can also look at where I am now and see that I have survived and am, I believe, a better mom to my own kids. That helps.

In terms of dealing with my mom, she can still sometimes get under my skin. As I've reached this point of detachment, her behavior has actually gotten worse because she will try to manipulate me into feeling guilty so that she can retain a hold on me. She actually just did this a couple weeks ago, during a video call that was supposedly between her and my DD but where she mostly just said resentful things to me. When I got of the call, I had this awful pit in my stomach, just full of guilt and sadness over this state of our relationship. But over the next few days I thought it over and let it go. I can't control her. I can't go back in time and change anything and neither can she. I can just try to make good decisions for myself and my family now. I honestly wish her the best and it makes me sad that she has gotten to this age without figuring out how to make herself happy (instead of martyring herself and then trying to make us all feel guilty for choices she freely made for herself). But that's her choice, not mine.

Good luck to you. This has been an unexpectedly sad aspect of motherhood for me. I had no idea it would happen, but based on the reading I've done on the subject, it's quite common. You aren't alone in these feelings.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think nature/God does this eventually to prepare us for leaving the nest/parental death.

[Anonymous]

What you're describing is just straight up resentment. My experience is similar. At the end of the day, I know my mom loves me and I love her, but I'm realizing she's got some mental health issues that will never be addressed because of who she is, and I use that as my justification for keeping my distance. She also isn't local, so that helps.

I encourage her relationship with my kids as long as it stays healthy/I can manage it. They're toddlers now, but the minute I sense that it's heading down a toxic path or it's interfering with my own relationship with my kids (e.g. too much unsolicited/harmful advice, not respecting me in front of or to them, etc), I'll shut it down until they're old enough to sustain it without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a kid and young adult I always felt close to my mom and liked spending time with her. In my mid 20s I started realizing a lot of the ways she let me down as a kid and started to not enjoy being around her. Things got even worse when I became a mom and realized how a mother should really take care of her children. To make matters worse I had a really hard time with PPD and she wasn't there for me in any meaningful way. Fast forward to now and I dread her calls and just flat out don't like her. At times this eats away at me. Anybody have a similar experience? I'm just tired of this taking up headspace!

Just go no contact and you will be liberated from her. I was raised by a woman with borderline personality disorder and suffered through so much abuse and toxicity disguised as caring. Block your mom’s number on your phone and block her on social media.

[Anonymous]

Therapy.

It's normal to have a phase in your 20s when you get some distance from your parents and realize the mistakes they made, and how them impacted you. Every parent makes mistakes. Everyone has things about their childhood that weren't best for them. And I think the process of figuring this out can shape you as a person, help you understand who you are, help you see your childhood with some distance and understanding, and help you understand your parents as real, whole people, rather than just Parents. And then your relationship moves to a more mature stage where you interact more as equals.

It sounds like one of two things are happening with you, and it's impossible to tell from your short description which it is:

1) You're somehow stuck in the "fixating on what they did wrong" phase and can't seem to move out of it.
2) Your mother was outside the realm of just regular parenting mistakes and missteps, and was actually a bad parent, and you're starting to understand that but need help processing and moving forward. The results here can be anything from "report to the authorities" to "cut mom out" to "strong boundaries" depending on what happened.

Statistically, it's more likely to be #1. But either way - a therapist can help you work through this and move forward, whatever that looks like. There's a reason "tell me about your childhood" is such a cliche therapy question.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks so much for the supportive responses. Just knowing I'm not alone in this is helpful. I am in therapy and it's probably helpful to note that my mom has diagnosed BPD. So really I've been processing childhood trauma in addition to dealing with disappointment with her lack of support as a grandmother. I think I will try to reduce how often I speak to her. I can't really cut her out entirely bc she and my dad are still together and I have a good relationship with him and I don't want to damage relationships with other family members.

[Anonymous]

Girl, your mom is diagnosed as BPD? You should be in weekly therapy to unpack this. For awhile. In the meantime, just focus on being kind to yourself and your DH. Wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is very argumentative and super 'respectttttt me, I'm your mother, you do as I say blah blah'. Anyways, I recently in my early 30s, came to the conclusion that I've let her down. She had big dreams of me (re: grandchildren) that my husband and I have no interest in. I don't dote on her because she's so unpleasant that I can nearly get through 2 days a year for a visit. Again, I let her down, and once I embraced the ridiculousness of that, nothing she says bothers me. I just smile and keep moving when she says something crazy. It's taken her by surprise, as she tries and tries to get me to scream at her like I used to, and thats the most delicious part HAHAHAH.

From what felt like age 10 - 29 was rough, now I'm smooth sailing. And like pp said, I grieved it and really wanted to move past her crazy, so I did. Helps to lean in to some of my friends parents who are always so kind to me.

+1

This is my MIL - summed up quite well. Boy, they try to bait you.

[Anonymous]

I just have up. I’ll call once a week, but only out of guilt. She has called once in the last year.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is 100% my experience. Every detail. I ha e no advise as I am knee deep in it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy.

It's normal to have a phase in your 20s when you get some distance from your parents and realize the mistakes they made, and how them impacted you. Every parent makes mistakes. Everyone has things about their childhood that weren't best for them. And I think the process of figuring this out can shape you as a person, help you understand who you are, help you see your childhood with some distance and understanding, and help you understand your parents as real, whole people, rather than just Parents. And then your relationship moves to a more mature stage where you interact more as equals.

It sounds like one of two things are happening with you, and it's impossible to tell from your short description which it is:

1) You're somehow stuck in the "fixating on what they did wrong" phase and can't seem to move out of it.
2) Your mother was outside the realm of just regular parenting mistakes and missteps, and was actually a bad parent, and you're starting to understand that but need help processing and moving forward. The results here can be anything from "report to the authorities" to "cut mom out" to "strong boundaries" depending on what happened.

Statistically, it's more likely to be #1. But either way - a therapist can help you work through this and move forward, whatever that looks like. There's a reason "tell me about your childhood" is such a cliche therapy question.

I’m not the OP, but sometimes there’s a third option. My mother is neither 1 or 2. She was mainly a good parent, if a overbearing. And I’m not fixated on the past anyways The challenge now is that my mother would never agree to treat me as an equal, not even close. She openly tells me that in her eyes I’m still that same 6 year old in the photo on her wall, she’s my mother, and I need to listen to her. She even tells me she raised me wrong because I don’t just obey. I’m a married, stable 40 year old with two kids.