kids & skin color

[Anonymous]

Last night, DS who is 3 yrs old pointed to his face and asked me what color it is. I told him that his face is brown and mommy and daddy are also brown. He then mentioned a girl in his class and said that she is brown. I wanted to know why he was asking me these questions. I asked him if someone in his class said something to him. He then looked embarrassed. I remember being teased in school because of skin color (I grew up in majority white Bethesda). I am surprised that he is noticing these things so early on. Have other people experienced this? TIA

[Anonymous]

Yup. my daughter started noting different skin colors around 3, only she would say things like "that chocolate man is nice!" She is 4 now, and notices the colors but doesn't really put any connotations with them. Her class is very diverse and maybe it's always just been normal for her to see all different races. I grew up being teased too (i'm Asian) so i worry about the day that she will feel ashamed of her more Asiany features... but at the same time, i know that i'm more hyperaware of this now than she is.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks for your reply. I am South Asian (Indian) & have the same concerns as you.

[Anonymous]

I think this must be a natural thing for three-year-olds to notice and ask about.

I'm white and my husband is middle-eastern. Even though he has a light complexion (and so does she), my 3-year-old announced the other day that mommy is white, and that she and daddy are black.

[JamaicaMama]

Mine (almost 3) does not seem to notice color (in people) as yet, but I have already started reading books to her that have themes regarding ethnic/differences. My two favorites are:

My Skin is Brown (this is out of print but is available at online used book stores)
I Love My Hair

The is also another that was reccomended to me -- Brown Like Me, but I have not gotten it as yet.

I never had to deal with these issues when I was growing up, but want my little girl to be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the book suggestions!

[Anonymous]

Completely normal. Just be matter of fact about it. We all have different hair, eyes, skin, noses, body types, etc...

[Anonymous]

I like "The Colors of Me" by Karen Katz. My kids like it, too.

[dgahagan]

PP-Please don't be ashamed! My DH, who is filipino, was also teased when he was in school. He played football in high school in Silver Spring-some kids tied him up in the locker room because he made the football team! I just hate that story!!! Our son is blend of the both of us-his skin color is a very deep olive and he has asian hair. I often think what it'll be like for him when he's in school, it's obvious to others that he comes from an interracial family. Children can be so CRUEL! He'll need lots of self-esteem, I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

My white 4 y old notices skin color and comments on it occassionally. For example, he was confused last summer when we saw an asian child with two white adults that appeared to be her parents. I have tried to just answer questions, correct incorrect assumptions (i.e. white parents can't have an Asian child) and reinforce the fact that we all have different color skin just like we have different color hair, eyes etc.

[Anonymous]

I've been wondering about this... I'm hispanic and DH is white, but with Mediterranean coloring. our DS is a little white boy. we don't know how we produced a kid with that skin color. we wonder if he will notice as he gets older. he's 9 months now.

[Anonymous]

unless america changes radically in the next 10 years, i think most kids will eventually notice the differences and point out differences in each other and face racism. whether they associate a shame, embarrassment or even self-hate about the way they look depend a lot on the type of community you are in and the way you respond to their concerns, i believe. i personally find it too simplistic to simply tell a child to brush it off if they confront judgmental remarks or offensive comments. it's definitely good to reinforce the idea that different looks don't mean superiority or inferiority... but it's also good to help them build their awareness in that not everyone will see things the same way and yes they will encounter horrible mean remarks from ignorant people in the future-- and give them ideas on how to handle that. repressed humiliation can lead to serious issues and identity crises in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:unless america changes radically in the next 10 years, i think most kids will eventually notice the differences and point out differences in each other and face racism. whether they associate a shame, embarrassment or even self-hate about the way they look depend a lot on the type of community you are in and the way you respond to their concerns, i believe. i personally find it too simplistic to simply tell a child to brush it off if they confront judgmental remarks or offensive comments. it's definitely good to reinforce the idea that different looks don't mean superiority or inferiority... but it's also good to help them build their awareness in that not everyone will see things the same way and yes they will encounter horrible mean remarks from ignorant people in the future-- and give them ideas on how to handle that. repressed humiliation can lead to serious issues and identity crises in the future.

Actually America *is* changing radically now and in the next ten years and beyond. We are moving toward a multiracial/multiethnic population. So things are becoming less black and white (pun intended). It is, of course, critically important to foster self-love in our kids in any case, because all kids will at some point be given a hard time about something: height, weight, hairstyle, clothes, religion...the list goes on and on.

[Anonymous]

My daugther is 4 and goes to a very diverse school - it is just an observation, like brown hair/eyes, etc... I think that they are too young to make judgements

[Anonymous]

I had read somewhere that kids don’t really understand the concept of racial differences until they are older like 7 or so. So I was unprepared the first time my dd referred to me as her “black momma” when she was 2. We think she heard someone ask my dh “is her mother black?” We used a combination of calmly telling her you call your mommy “mommy” and pretending she was saying something else “oh – Barack Obama” (this was pre-presidential campaign). This was clearly a case of her hearing someone else say something. When she was closer to 3 we started to get the questions “what color is mommy”, “what color am I” etc. At first I was like what is she hearing at school. Then my mom pointed out that kids are naturally curious and trying to figure out their place in the world. My dd had made statements like “sometimes daddies have brothers, sometimes they have sisters, sometimes they have brothers and sisters”. So she was looking around and seeing different situations and comparing them.

So anyway, that is when we started to get the books that talk about it like "The Colors of Me" by Karen Katz. We talk about the different shades of brown. One day however, she said she her sister and daddy were the color of pee and mommy was the color of poop. Needless to say little Sarah Jane (reference to Imitation of Life) had a time out and I explained that it isn’t nice to compare anyone to the color of pee or poop. So right now we talk about all the different shades of brown and how she is a shade of brown (like in the Colors of Me book). The only thing we haven’t figured out is what to answer when she asks if daddy is a shade of brown. I am torn between saying yes he is a peachy color like Lucy in the book and staying vague on the topic. I am also working on her asking “what color is he/she” for example when I had a doctor appt. I try to say that it isn’t an important question and instead she should ask me if the doctor was nice and did the doctor help me feel better. Still trying to figure out the approach I want to take on this one.

I’ve talked to friends and family and this seems pretty common for a 3 year old to notice differences. You just have to figure out how you want to answer the questions/observations. Some people go with tan as their answer if the child asks. My cousin said her son (at 5) had something where another kid was telling him he needed a dark brown crayon to color in the self-portraits they were making in class when technically speaking my cousin is more of a tan color. So I guess just be prepared that there will be situations where they pick up things, natural curiosity from your child about differences, and people impose their labels/definitions on your child. One of the things for my dd is that we want to make sure she is exposed to people of all shades of brown so it isn't a situation of everyone else being X and she is Y so she really wants to identify with X. We also when she is older want her to visit the countries our grandparents came from (I really need to learn more about our family myself) so she can feel cultural pride and be able to define who she is.