If you knew your kid wasn’t ready
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Anonymous
| I know there have been other threads on this topic. But if you were pretty sure your kid was not quite ready for college, even though they had good acceptance is, what was your move? Did you force a gap year, let them move on and give it a try? And what was the outcome? I know there’s no predicting anything but I’d be curious of other stories. |
Anonymous
| Talk to them. My parents worried if I was ready. I did extremely well in college, away from them. Give them a chance to succeed. They are accepted. Why would you say no? |
Anonymous
+1 Forcing your child to take a gap year could be a disaster. If they are fully 100 percent on board, AND have a rationale and a plan for how to spend the year, sure, consider that. Otherwise, you are telling your child that you don't believe in them, that you don't believe they are capable, and that you don't think they are an adult who can make decisions. That's not a good precedent. (Although, if you are the kind of undermining helicopter parent who would consider forcing a student who was actually accepted to college not to go, I suspect your kid already has some idea that you lack confidence in them.) Unless they are telling you that they don't feel ready, AND can articulate what is going to happen in that year off to make them feel ready, I wouldn't be suggesting a year off. |
Anonymous
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No way would I force a gap year. Allow them to rise to the occasion, as I think most do. Give them the space to develop on their own.
H thinks there's a 50/50 chance that DC will flunk out of first semester, for non-academic reasons, though I have noticed that he tends to do better when we are not micromanaging him and it's all on him. We shall see, but the one thing I am absolutely certain of is that another year up in that bedroom would be even more harmful than this year has been. |
Anonymous
| He should go - he will meet the challenge or flounder a bit and get straight |
Anonymous
Geez. I’m not being random here and there are obviously extenuating circumstances that make me think the kid is not ready. Don’t be a jerk. |
Anonymous
This is a super helpful perspective. Thank you. |
Anonymous
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I'm worried about my kid. I got her a therapist who helps kids fledge. It's worth the investment, imo.
I'm super-careful to keep all my anxiety to myself on this issue. I don't want my kid to get the vibe that i think she can't hack it. I've also decided that just because my kid is not the go-getter, mini-adult that my younger kid is, doesn't mean she'll flounder in college. Just because she watches TV in her spare time vs. learning guitar, getting a job, or creating 3-D artwork like my younger one does, is no indication of success or failure. I've decided that my younger one is the outlier, and all it means is good things for my younger one, not bad things for my older one. Does that make sense? OP, does your kid ever say things like, "When I'm at X college, I'll need...." or "I want string lites in my dorm?" Just trying to figure out if your kid visualizes him/herself there. |
Anonymous
| We were very worried about our son at times, but as my husband pointed out, they grow so quickly. Come late August, he’ll be much more mature than he is now. |
Anonymous
| I let my son know he can stay and go to the community college if he needs more time. I think part of the hesitation is that they didn't get a proper senior year, college visits, etc. It's like not getting closure on a relationship. Plus he's only 17, so he is on the younger side. I just ask that he take classes locally rather than a full gap year. |
Anonymous
DP and I agree, thank you. I have suspicions that my DS could benefit from another year of maturing, but on the other hand another year in the basement is not going to be productive either. |
Anonymous
| Similar boat to OP. When focused, son is obviously very bright. ADHD-diagnosed, he takes forever to get going on things. Anyone with similar stories, and positive/negative outcomes? Gap year, assuming maturity plus a job can help with focus? Kid surprised you once they left home? |
Anonymous
Yep, this. There should be a clear plan for the gap year. Remember that many friends WILL be heading off to school, so staying home without a plan could feel like being left behind and also could be lonely. I'm not sure it matters what the plan is, but there should be one. If the options are limited because of covid, then it's worth thinking about what is worse--possibility of crash & burn at college or year in the basement? Reasonable people might disagree. Also, if your kid has been accepted at a college and plans to defer, make sure you get clear information on what deferment means. Some schools offer certain types of aid only to incoming freshmen, so a decision to take classes at the local community college and start as a 2nd semester freshman or a sophomore could jeopardize financial awards. And some schools do not allow you to take classes for credit at all during the deferment period. |
Anonymous
| I used to think my kid might need a gap year, but turns out distance learning is good for him and makes me realize he can manage his time and do better when not forced to sit in class all day every day. It's more like college and he will be ok. But I would also let an 18 year old decide and if college is the decision, I would set him up for success by helping organize or getting supports, etc and also taking maybe a light load of classes first semester. |
Anonymous
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I steered my ADHD DS away from attending the school that had a scholarship with a pretty high GPA requirement, because I expected a few missteps during the first year. (It turns out that he slightly preferred a cheaper instate school anyway).
There were a few academic bumps caused by organizational issues during freshman year, but he learned from his mistakes and smoothed things out. He likely would have lost his scholarship at the other school. |