How much do you push your 4-5 year old towards independence?

[Anonymous]

My kid always wants one of us around and she often asks us to do simple tasks for her. For example, she always wants us to put her shoes on for her. She asks nicely and often we comply because it's just faster to do it for her. Same with getting dressed. She wants us to pick her clothes and she likes for us to stay there while she gets dressed. If we insist on leaving, she gets distracted and it takes forever. She used to constantly want to do things herself, and now she just wants us to do everything for her! How can we break this habit and what are reasonable expectations for a 4.5 year old in terms of independence?

[Anonymous]

I make my kid try 3 times before I help. I read somewhere that kids can fend for themselves by age 4 if they absolutely have to do I try to make sure my kid is ready. He's almost 6 by the way and no where near ready! But that's ok. That's why I'm here.

[Anonymous]

We often split the difference (I’ll help you put on your shoes if you will go get them out of your closet, or I’ll help get the shirt over your head if you handle the sleeves, etc.).

We also try to frame it as much as possible, as us helping her figure something out. Like if she won’t clean up her room, I’ll say “Ok, I know it can be hard to get started on this so I’ll help. I think we should go the blocks first and then the books, what do you think?” And often she’ll have a strong opinion and that will get her to take the lead so I really am just helping instead of doing things for her.

If there’s a meltdown or she gets very demanding, we will, if possible, just say “Ok, then I guess we can’t do this thing.” So if she won’t put on her shoes to go to the playground, or us yelling at us to do it for her without asking nicely, we just don’t go - natural consequences.

If it’s something we have to do (get ready for school, for instance), we will step in and do things for her while also saying that while we are always here to help when she needs it, mornings will be less stressful when she feels comfortable doing more if this stuff on her own.

I generally read her requests for us to do things not as laziness but as insecurity, so I view it as my role to facilitate her independence while not shaming her for feeling unsure. There may be some laziness in there (we are all lazy sometimes) but I choose not to read it that way because then it becomes a battle over trying to “make” her do something instead of about supporting her in doing it herself. It’s just easier and less combative this way.

[Anonymous]

Whatever they can do for themselves encourage them to do it. Break down the task and have them do part, then keep expanding it slowly. They will get there. You do have to give opportunities to practice.

[Anonymous]

I would encourage her to do it independently but not make a big deal out of it when she asks for help. My 4 year old has been dressing herself for a while now, but it does take forever so when we're in a hurry, I'll help her. Same with shoes (also sometimes she gets the shoes wrong despite the stickers).

[Anonymous]

I smother them in hugs and kisses until they want to escape. It's win-win.

[Anonymous]

Well there’s a difference between “helping” and doing it for them completely. If you help with shoes—set them up for her in the proper way and then say “okay I hold them and you push your foot in. After awhile you suggest she hold the tongue of the sneaker while she puts her foot in. Increase the steps.

As for clothes—you can set pants up for her to step in, but she pulls them up. (This is especially important for kindergarten readiness when K teachers can’t help kids with their pants in the bathroom).

It’s very important to get her to be independent and feel capable. If that means starting getting ready 20 minutes earlier, then that’s what you need to do. The effort now will pay off in the future.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if they ask for help we do it. It’s usually a way to connect with him. I know he CAN do it, and he doesn’t fuss at school for the teacher to get him dressed. So at home I think he views it as connection time, and so do we. And it’s faster! So connection + faster...win!

[Anonymous]

I think it’s very important for this age to factor in the connection time and the occasional need to feel somewhat babyish and have a parent step in. They are at a transitional age for acquiring skills, and subconsciously realize that doing more on their own means pulling away from parents. Certainly, you want them to continue to grow and develop, and cheer them on as they do so, but the defining of security emotionally is the most important thing. If your kid is not moving forward in this area markedly, compared to peers, then reassess. And always keep in mind the time of day and possible hunger or anxiety. Set up routines and edge them closer towards mastery.

[Anonymous]

Normally I would try not to slide backwards. If I knew they were fully capable and had the skill set already then I would encourage them to continue. I would want them to continue feeling capable. I would not want them to feel I'm doing it because I feel they are too little, or are not moving fast enough for my liking.

That said the past year has thrown things out of wack. We can all use a little extra assurance someone will be there to help us and be there when we don't have the oomph to do what we are usually fully capable of.

[Anonymous]

DD is 4.5 and frankly, we’ve resorted to bribery for some of it.

We put her clothes out on her dresser the night before and, if she comes downstairs dressed, she gets to pick out a Hershey’s kiss.

For other things, it often helps to pretend we don’t know how to do it. So for shoes: “I forgot how to put on shoes! Can you show me?” 9 times out of 10, she wants to show us.