What to say to 8-yr-old son "caught" fooling around with another boy?

[Anonymous]

First, up front, we have ZERO problem with him possibly being gay. Absolutely zero. We are a lesbian couple with two boys; my brother was the sperm donor, so our DS obviously has gay on both sides and in every which direction. He would make the most FABULOUS gay man ever.

I'm just questioning whether to say or do anything with regards to the tender young age at which he seems to be experimenting.

I was raised in a pretty strict family where even masturbation was something for which you would get grounded. When my mom divorced my dad, she had sex ONCE outside of marriage and needed to repent, repent. So although I think I'm open-minded and queer as a 3-dollar-bill, I still worry that my perceptions of appropriate behavior are outdated and based on a model provided by someone who is very shameful about sex.

My wife was raised in a family in which you just don't talk about a damn thing. (Oh, and her brother's gay!)

So what do I say to my son? Is it OK to mess around this young? Is his friend (a total jock who can barely stomach our son's princess-y ways) going to be scarred for life? What do I say to his parents, if anything? How do I give him information he needs to feel OK about himself but also to stay safe in a world of predators and STDs?

He is very open in his communication with us, so we are planning to just wait for him to bring up the incident in which each of his moms walked in on him in bed, half-dressed, with his friend. But once the topic is broached, WHAT do we say?

[Anonymous]

So your partner provided the eggs, right? I hope?

[Anonymous]

8 is really young and it’s pretty common to do “play doctor” type things, gay or not. I would say “hey, buddy, lets keep trousers on when you have a friend over, sound good?” If he seems worried I’d ask him more. In any case I’d supervise more closely when he had friends over-be in the kitchen when they’re in living room rather than have them alone in the basement or his room. Not a big deal though.

[Anonymous]

He’s 8. This means nothing. I was an 8 year old girl kissing another 8 year old girl because we were friends and “practicing”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your partner provided the eggs, right? I hope?

Duh. Also not the point.

[Anonymous]

It's not ok to mess around this young. Make sure to have to sex talk with him and make sure to include consent. I would say talk to the other kid's parents but not of their homophobic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not ok to mess around this young. Make sure to have to sex talk with him and make sure to include consent. I would say talk to the other kid's parents but not of their homophobic.

Not if they're homophobic.

Also please please please don't shame your DS in any way. Exploration is natural but at this age it should be done in private.

[Anonymous]

This is a good question.

I did some fooling around with another girl friend around that age. It went on for a couple years when we would play together. I don’t feel shame per se and I don’t think there was any power difference, no one was being coerced, but god do I hate hate hate thinking about it now. Makes me cringe.

[Anonymous]

Straight female here. At around that age I had just discovered but didn’t realize that touching myself was sexual or called masturbation. I remember being at my parent’s friends house and showing 2 kids how to touch themselves so they could also feel good. I never touched them. I was just showing my friends (a brother 1 year older and a sister my age) how to touch themselves, but not each other. The kid’s parents walked in and that was that. The parents were rightfully really upset at me and my mom was mortified. That was a wake up call for me. I think you need to make sure your son knows that any exploration at this young age should be done alone. At such a young age, the other kid’s parents may not let their kid play with your son if they find out.

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you mean by messing around?

[Anonymous]

I assume his friend is also 8, so I would not call him a jock and stop referring to anyone’s behavior as princessy when it’s just behavior. Let’s kids act do things they like without gendering it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, up front, we have ZERO problem with him possibly being gay. Absolutely zero. We are a lesbian couple with two boys; my brother was the sperm donor, so our DS obviously has gay on both sides and in every which direction. He would make the most FABULOUS gay man ever.

I'm just questioning whether to say or do anything with regards to the tender young age at which he seems to be experimenting.

I was raised in a pretty strict family where even masturbation was something for which you would get grounded. When my mom divorced my dad, she had sex ONCE outside of marriage and needed to repent, repent. So although I think I'm open-minded and queer as a 3-dollar-bill, I still worry that my perceptions of appropriate behavior are outdated and based on a model provided by someone who is very shameful about sex.

My wife was raised in a family in which you just don't talk about a damn thing. (Oh, and her brother's gay!)

So what do I say to my son? Is it OK to mess around this young? Is his friend (a total jock who can barely stomach our son's princess-y ways) going to be scarred for life? What do I say to his parents, if anything? How do I give him information he needs to feel OK about himself but also to stay safe in a world of predators and STDs?

He is very open in his communication with us, so we are planning to just wait for him to bring up the incident in which each of his moms walked in on him in bed, half-dressed, with his friend. But once the topic is broached, WHAT do we say?

He isnt a man yet. I would worry my son was molested and he is acting it out. Is this a possibility? I hope not but 8 is really young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8 is really young and it’s pretty common to do “play doctor” type things, gay or not. I would say “hey, buddy, lets keep trousers on when you have a friend over, sound good?” If he seems worried I’d ask him more. In any case I’d supervise more closely when he had friends over-be in the kitchen when they’re in living room rather than have them alone in the basement or his room. Not a big deal though.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume his friend is also 8, so I would not call him a jock and stop referring to anyone’s behavior as princessy when it’s just behavior. Let’s kids act do things they like without gendering it.

Umm, OK, but I think you can let me own my own post and our own family's experience.

His friend literally plays every sport he has access to and doesn't understand why my son doesn't want to join those teams. And my son literally parades around in gowns and says, "Look, I'm a princess," while his brother throw a a towel over his own shoulders and says, "Look, I'm a prince!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He isnt a man yet. I would worry my son was molested and he is acting it out. Is this a possibility? I hope not but 8 is really young.

Almost impossible, but I will broach the subject somehow. It's one of my greatest fears.