When both spouses think they do more around the house than the other spouse

[Anonymous]

And truly believe it. How to proceed from there?

[Anonymous]

My first thought is that that's probably about right.

That said, if you really think there's an imbalance somewhere, have each person write down what they do, and how many times a week they do it, and try to estimate how long it takes.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think at that point you've gotta write it all out. A pain, but there it is. There are probably some lists online to get you going (so you're just filling in blanks rather than starting with a blank sheet of paper).

[Anonymous]

My DH and I always say that we should always feel like we are both doing "more than our share" because there is really that much to do (we have three young kids).

But seriously, save yourself thousands of dollars in couples counseling, and internalize this: don't focus on what the other person is doing. Focus on what YOU need. And focus on how to get what you need, or how to let it go, without making demands on the other person.

[Anonymous]

Make a list - together. Then discuss what you would like the other person to step up and do in order to help you. You’re on the same team, not two opposing teams trying to beat one another.

[Anonymous]

Because if the other person is handling something well, you don't have to think about it, so you don't.

[Anonymous]

Download an app like Ourhome, build a task list and mutually agree on the point values, and start keeping track. Worked for DH and me and now that we log it it’s clear that we both have weeks where we do more than others and over time it ends up evening out. We also added benefits so I’ve cashed in my chore points for a night alone at a hotel .

[Anonymous]

Try switching tasks. You/your spouse may not realize how steps there are between starting a task and finishing it.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are valid. My DH loves to cook. He will cook, even if we have leftovers and other stuff need to be done. When I used to see the mounds of food that no one wanted to eat, and the dirty house that has become messier with all the cooking, I wanted to cry. He used to get hurt because he thought that he was taking care of the family. And yes, he was.

No point in making lists because both of you are actually prioritizing the tasks that you think are important. No one wants the other person to dictate what should be done and in what priority. Doing this will result in resentment. So, instead of pondering who does what, have a "at the very least" kind of minimalist task list and try and get to that. Our daily tasks are - dishes, watering the plants, walking the dog, cooking/ordering food, feeding people and pets, taking out the trash . If we have time - making beds, 1 load of laundry, wiping counters, sweeping floors, swishing the toilets.

[Anonymous]

Like a list of task monkey stuff or who manages everything or do both people manage/do tasks?

Unf many households fall into one spouse only doing something if and when told to, including getting groceries, taking garbage out, cutting the lawn, scheduling a dr appt.

[Anonymous]

I haven't done this myself, but a friend said that it lent itself to some productive conversations: https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Game-Changing-Solution-When/dp/0525541934

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because if the other person is handling something well, you don't have to think about it, so you don't.

This is so true.

Think about the times you had a bad waiter at a restaurant, and you had to keep asking for xyz vs. when you have had a great one, and you hardly thought about the waiter at all and just enjoyed your meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try switching tasks. You/your spouse may not realize how steps there are between starting a task and finishing it.

Better yet, tell Boy Wonder to write down all the routine tasks per day or week, monthly ones, seasonal ones, etc.

Issue in our house was one spouse thought he was doing half, but his idea of the whole pie was actually 10% of the whole pie. He was too ignorant or forgetful to even know what goes out outside of his handful of tasks he knows.

[Anonymous]

Come up with clear responsibilities so you don't have to fight about it and you both think its fair. One big fight we had was loading and unloading the dishwasher. We both felt like we were the only ones doing it. We settled on DH loads it and I unload it. Now there is no resentment about who is doing more.