Consequences For 14 Year Old

[Anonymous]

Who calls their parent a "F**king A**hole" during an argument about screen time.

The range is nothing, to complete loss of privileges.

Where would it fall in your household?

[Anonymous]

That would get a "hey, that is not an acceptable way to address your parent" and that's about it.

From your kid's perspective, you are being an a$$hole! I wouldn't punish my kid for having negative feelings towards me, but would remind him to find a different way to express them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would get a "hey, that is not an acceptable way to address your parent" and that's about it.

From your kid's perspective, you are being an a$$hole! I wouldn't punish my kid for having negative feelings towards me, but would remind him to find a different way to express them.

Really? You would let your kid talk to you that way? OP- screen would be gone for at least 2 weeks. I may make them stay in this weekend as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would get a "hey, that is not an acceptable way to address your parent" and that's about it.

From your kid's perspective, you are being an a$$hole! I wouldn't punish my kid for having negative feelings towards me, but would remind him to find a different way to express them.

Really? You would let your kid talk to you that way? OP- screen would be gone for at least 2 weeks. I may make them stay in this weekend as well.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would get a "hey, that is not an acceptable way to address your parent" and that's about it.

From your kid's perspective, you are being an a$$hole! I wouldn't punish my kid for having negative feelings towards me, but would remind him to find a different way to express them.

Wow.

What happens when he talks like that to his teacher? An employer? A police officer? Judges?

[Anonymous]

My 14 year old has done that. I walk away in the moment. Later, we talk about how he cannot go through life calling people names when he's mad. I wouldn't stand it from his father. I told him I wouldn't stay with someone who called me names, and while I can't leave my son, I'm certainly not going to help him out or do anything for him if he's nasty. He can be mad and think all kinds of bad things. That's normal. But he can't act out with that anger. Go take a walk to cool down. Something productive.

He did it once more, in anger, right before I was supposed to take him to the gym (his current love).

I didn't take him to the gym.

He hasn't done it since.

While it's infuriating when they do this, and prompts a whole bunch of other emotions, to me the long game is most important. Teach them how to manage that anger in a socially acceptable way.

[Anonymous]

Probably lose the screen he was wanting for the rest of the day snd would make it clear that he would lose it for significantly longer at the slightest hint of acting anything but polite about screen limits in the near future.

[Anonymous]

Really? You would let your kid talk to you that way? OP- screen would be gone for at least 2 weeks. I may make them stay in this weekend as well.

I didn't say I would "let" them - I said I would understand their feelings and correct the way they expressed them.

Both of my kids spoke to me this way exactly once during their teen years without the imposition of any draconian consequences. They didn't speak to teachers, employers, etc. this way and they didn't regularly speak to me this way. If they did, the consequences would have been different. They are now fully functioning young adults who happened to have called their parents a bad name one time in the past.

[Anonymous]

Does he have adhd? My adgd kids curse like sailors and no amount of punishment has fixed it.

[Anonymous]

No screens or privileges until I get an apology for the language (so the time period would be up to him). Not for the feeling, but for expressing it to me that way. Once he apologizes for that, we can continue the discussion about limits in a respectful way. And, promise that you will listen to his feelings (so long as expressed respectfully) and follow through on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14 year old has done that. I walk away in the moment. Later, we talk about how he cannot go through life calling people names when he's mad. I wouldn't stand it from his father. I told him I wouldn't stay with someone who called me names, and while I can't leave my son, I'm certainly not going to help him out or do anything for him if he's nasty. He can be mad and think all kinds of bad things. That's normal. But he can't act out with that anger. Go take a walk to cool down. Something productive.

He did it once more, in anger, right before I was supposed to take him to the gym (his current love).

I didn't take him to the gym.

He hasn't done it since.

While it's infuriating when they do this, and prompts a whole bunch of other emotions, to me the long game is most important. Teach them how to manage that anger in a socially acceptable way.

I have not yet encountered this, but I think this was handled well. The natural consequence of treating people badly is that the person doesn’t want to do nice things for you (or as you pointed out, if it isn’t your child you set a boundary and end the relationship).

Thank you for sharing your experience. I will keep this in mind if I find myself in this spot with one of my kids!

[Anonymous]

Different times of course but I can guarantee you that if I'd called my father an effing ahole when I was 14 he'd have knocked me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would get a "hey, that is not an acceptable way to address your parent" and that's about it.

From your kid's perspective, you are being an a$$hole! I wouldn't punish my kid for having negative feelings towards me, but would remind him to find a different way to express them.

+1 Those of us who remember our teenage years/feelings are better equipped for dealing with rudeness and snark.

[Anonymous]

Send to room for a few hours or the rest of the day and lose electronics for the day for the first incident, several days if it is a regular thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have adhd? My adgd kids curse like sailors and no amount of punishment has fixed it.

You can stop it. It sounds like you gave up and didn't try hard.