Tips for dealing with challenging sibling as you communicate regarding elderly parent

[Anonymous]

Sibling is very condescending, entitled and into starting drama and doesn't live in the area. I did get a geriatric social worker involved because sibling is in a medical field and doesn't take what I say seriously. That has helped some in having an expert evaluate what supports are needed objectively. I try to keep communications to email, strictly based on observations of the situation and facts and I CC the geriatric social worker who chimes in basically supporting what I am observing and sharing what she is recommending. The problem is it is draining already dealing with a parent in the early stages of dementia who can be very challenging. Sibling will call and from the get go the condescending tone, denial and over the top suggestions are more than I can handle right now so I have stopped returning any calls and I keep everything in writing. She will email me separately and be very baiting and rude. She looks down on socialworkers so she doesn't seem to care what the socialworker thinks. I just ignore the emails she sends me privately and stick to communications using a professional tone and CCing the expert. It so frustrating because she thinks she knows better than both of us, but isn't close to the situation and when she came to town precovid our parent puts on a show and is on best behavior. Sibling is a combative and manipulative person who can be very controlling and I want to keep things peaceful and focused on parental needs and proper care. Any other suggestions to keep communication professional, peaceful and moving forward? We have never been close but have power of attny together. I don't think we will have any relationship when this is all over, but for now I need to keep open the lines of communication.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, how awful, OP. I feel for you. I've known some people like that. How would your sister react if she saw video of your parent's problem behaviors? If your mother is still living at home, would it help to install cameras that your sibling can check when she wants? How does joint power of attorney work, can you make decisions by yourself?

The only thing I can suggest is that you force yourself to detach emotionally from both, and consider them as mental patients. This is how my husband, who is also a doctor, deals with my difficult mother: he secretly pretends she's a mentally disordered patient of his, and it helps him stay calm and polite. He already had some practice with his own father, who had bipolar disorder and was quite agitated in his last illness. Focus on the facts, marshal your arguments concisely, cite medical research, do bullet points. No emotion whatsoever. Your decision to stick to email is a very good one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, how awful, OP. I feel for you. I've known some people like that. How would your sister react if she saw video of your parent's problem behaviors? If your mother is still living at home, would it help to install cameras that your sibling can check when she wants? How does joint power of attorney work, can you make decisions by yourself?

The only thing I can suggest is that you force yourself to detach emotionally from both, and consider them as mental patients. This is how my husband, who is also a doctor, deals with my difficult mother: he secretly pretends she's a mentally disordered patient of his, and it helps him stay calm and polite. He already had some practice with his own father, who had bipolar disorder and was quite agitated in his last illness. Focus on the facts, marshal your arguments concisely, cite medical research, do bullet points. No emotion whatsoever. Your decision to stick to email is a very good one!

OP here. Thank you so much for the understanding. I have actually thought about videotaping problematic behavior, but I believe it is not legal in our state without consent and she does not want video-cameras at this point.

Yes, you are so right about detaching. I actually got a therapist to help me with this. I am so sorry for all your husband and you have been through with his family. You are so right about "no emotion" and it's easier to do with email. I actually don't know how this shared power of attorney will work down the line. I was able to convince parent to accept the help (after some tantrums from her) and she is still considered capable of consent so the issue of what happens when parent can no longer consent and sibling and I have to agree.

[Anonymous]

Stop communicating with your sibling. Do you need money for your parents from your sibling!

[Anonymous]

OP, it is so frustrating and difficult to be the primary caregiver for a parent with dementia.

The truth is, it absolutely sucks no matter what. Even if your sibling behaved “perfectly,” it would suck. And while their tone may be rude and unhelpful, it sounds like your sibling may mean well - be trying to take your parent’s side, or advocate for her, or something.

I don’t have a solution except to try to show as much grace and compassion towards your sibling as you can, as often as you can. It won’t make anything z
“better” but it might be more productive. I think it’s okay to fake it too (as long as you try to fake it well and not in a passive aggressive way). It might still work.

[Anonymous]

Larla, I understand your frustration with how Social Worker and I are handling mom's care. However, you are not here. I don't say this out of anger, it is just a fact. Day to day, I am handling situations as they arise, as best I can, and with the advise of other experts who are present and make recommendations and suggestions.

While your suggestions are always welcome, your tone and implication that what I choose is not appropriate, not in mom's best interest or just plain wrong is not. This is making a challenging situation more difficult, and I am asking you to stop. Please.

I love mom. I love you. And I am doing the best I can. Your support, rather than your picking fights, would be most welcome.

[Anonymous]

Why are you emailing your sibling with details?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop communicating with your sibling. Do you need money for your parents from your sibling!

No, don't need money. We are fortunate our parents saved well for retirement. I feel like I need to communicate new developments so there are no major surprises. Also, she has a litigious streak (made her ex's life difficult with the courts, threatens people now and then and has engaged in a lawsuit) so I also would like to have proof we communicated as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larla, I understand your frustration with how Social Worker and I are handling mom's care. However, you are not here. I don't say this out of anger, it is just a fact. Day to day, I am handling situations as they arise, as best I can, and with the advise of other experts who are present and make recommendations and suggestions.

While your suggestions are always welcome, your tone and implication that what I choose is not appropriate, not in mom's best interest or just plain wrong is not. This is making a challenging situation more difficult, and I am asking you to stop. Please.

I love mom. I love you. And I am doing the best I can. Your support, rather than your picking fights, would be most welcome.

Thanks for your post. We have tried that.She denies doing anything like that and plays the victim. Trying to get anything other communicating facts is walking into quicksand. That said, you gave perfectly good advice when you are dealing with reasonable people.