Am I a bad mother?

[Anonymous]

Seriously, I need to know. And no one loves to call out bad parenting like dcum. My husband's criticism is driving me crazy, literally. First, my work interferes with my parenting and doesn't pay enough, either. If I work too much, he says I am too stressed and busy and it's bad for our family. If I don't work enough, he says I don't make enough money and it's bad for our family. I spent my son's elementary years doing volunteer work in the classroom like I worked there, working in the evenings and on weekends, and he complained I ruined every weekend by working (but still didn't make enough money). Right now I work about 15-20 hours a week, flexible (but unpredictable and odd), and sometimes he has to make my son dinner or lunch or take him to something, which makes him mad because he works all day (from home). When I work, I work online, with camera and mic on the whole time, and I can't do anything else. My husband gets angry that I can't be bothered during that time. He also doesn't think I should ignore him and my son while I'm working because I don't make enough money. and that makes him angry.

I am not a good cook. I try, I have a collection of cookbooks, but still, I'm not a good cook. Often I'm busy with work or just tired (maybe I'm just lazy, I'm not sure, but I feel tired) and I cook prepared food. Like, Trader Joe meals that are frozen and you put them in a pan. Or I make simple things, like hot dogs, or chicken drumsticks with frozen corn and a microwaved potato. It's sad, I know, but it takes a long time to find a new recipe and make something fancy. Sometimes I buy ingredients planning to cook something fancy, but never get to it, and the ingredients go bad. He gets angry I'm wasting food that he pays for (actually, my salary pays for groceries, but he figures my contribution doesn't count since he pays for everything else). My son is overweight, and I think it's because he sits on the couch all day playing video games, but my husband says I feed him bad food. I honestly don't know what else to feed him and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't eat it anyway (my husband says if I die then he will feed my son only super healthy food and my son will eat it. Guess I'll never know.)

My son, who is in 5th grade, is not doing well in school with distance learning. I spent most of the year sitting next to him, trying to get him to focus, but our DL was pretty awful. Just slide shows, no cameras or sound. My son couldn't do it, wouldn't do it, just eventually got up and refused to even look at the computer anymore. So I hired tutors and signed him up for outschool classes. I made binders for each subject, photographed work and sent it to his teachers to try to show them he was doing something. It was expensive. It worked a little. My husband seems to think if he were not working all day making all the important money, then he could have done better than I did. I'm a teacher, so I don't know, but that's what he thinks.

Oh, and I don't clean that much. The house is not a pig sty or anything, but it's not great.

My son is unhappy because he doesn't see his friends much. I try to host parties (well, outdoor, distanced covid parties with 4 kids) to help him stay in touch with kids, but his two close friends don't go outside much. They are too busy doing homework and practicing violins or piano. My husband says we should be doing that, but my son refused to continue with musical instruments after everything went virtual. I tried, but you can't force a big 11 year old to do much that he doesn't want to do. Another parenting failure is that when my son is screaming that his life is awful and he wants to die, the stress is too much for me to keep forcing him to do what he doesn't want to do.

So there, all the ways I am failing as a parent. Am I really bad, or is my husband just too critical? Does anyone else do these things? I think the worst part of it is that I can't do better. This is actually my best. That's sad, right?

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem. He sounds like a giant a-hole and is treating you like his employee.

Look, it sounds like you’re really trying and doing well at some things and not so well at others. I think your and your husband’s biggest priority is to get your kid some exercise and nutritious food. There’s no reason it should all be on you. Plenty of adults (me included) have FT jobs and manage to pitch in

[Anonymous]

I think you're a beaten down mother, but you have a bad husband. There is NOTHING WRONG with a microwave baked potato with baked chicken and vegetables for dinner. What the hell is your husband cooking for dinners? He sounds like he just walks around insulting you and criticizing, and thinks he's immune from any reproach because he earns more money.

I hope you get a raise or a job that pays more but don't tell him, and squirrel away the extra money and use it to leave this guy.

[Anonymous]

I think both you and your son would be much happier if you divorced your H.
I have no idea if you are a bad mother, but your home life is a mess. I think you would be better off receiving child support, your modest salary, and some benefits, than living with this jerk.

[Anonymous]

Poor thing. HUG! You are wonderful mom. You give all you have and if your husband thinks you should give more then he can stuff himself. He is a heartless a-hole.

Nobody appreciates you and this makes it hard. Know that you don't need someone to judge you when they don't see all the work they do. Their criticism is irrelevant and don't let it hurt you. You know you put so much value into your family. It is not money but it is a value. You are trying to make your child to survive all this and this is priceless. You are bending backwards to do so and the problem is that your husband can not see the invisible work.

Let me tell this to your husband OP:

your wife needs your support now and your appreciation and you are focusing only on things that you seem important while the child comes first and family balance comes first. At one point you your wife might completly loose it and leave you and then no amount of money can bring your family together. Appreciate it while it still whole. You can not unbreak the family. Love your wife and act accordingly because if you do love her then you would show it. You can not hurt someone who works so hard and put priorities first.

One can not be everything for everybody but stupid people try and at the end of the day the most important things get neglected and lost.

WHO cares if the house is spotless if your kid will get depression?

Your family comes first, your child comes first.. and if you don't understand this, you don't deserve them.

Divorce is much more expensive then the money you think you are loosing.

Get a grip and show some heart.

[Anonymous]

Temporary solution:

He cooks every other day, and also both of you take kid for long walks to provide some excursive,
each person or both of you one day one hour long walk. Would be good for all of you.

Sit down with your son, make a list of TEN healthy options that he would eat and rotate them.
Look up online healhty food for teens and let him pick from the pictures.

that should get you started from practical stand point.

Your husband needs to help more at home. He can not limit his famly contribution to work,
and you doing all the rest because that is why you are falling apart and can not manage,
this is too much.

he is not a sultan. FFS! if he were , he should hire a miad to do HIS SHARE Of home work.

Ass of the couch NOW.

[Anonymous]

PS. Involve your son in making shopping list together, and cooking togeher.

look up youtube vidoes of recipes of kids food cooked by kids, this will inspire and motivate him
to cook and eat healiher.

[Anonymous]

OP, you will get through this.. this all shell pass.. remember in 50 years NOTHING of this will matter..
take a deep breath and don't let anyone to put you down. Heads up, dry your tears and go on..

[Anonymous]

Tomorrow, disconnect your emotions, and thinking, for the whole days, don't feel and process anything..
just give yourself one full day off of the barrage of emotions. Calm your soul and block any negativity coming your way, leave the room, don't respond, stay quiet.

This is a great help. Try one whole day. Deep breaths all day, slow deep breaths.. long walks.. clear your mind.

[Anonymous]

I will call you out DCUM style. You aren’t a bad mom, but you can do better.

1). You need to make rules and have some kind of discipline in your house. Your son shouldn’t be playing video games all day if he isn’t doing well in school. If he doesn’t get his stuff done, then he doesn’t get to play until it’s done. You can be as sad and sympathetic to his unhappiness as you want to be.
2). Don’t let your son blame his unhappiness on you. Do you want him to think it’s okay to talk to his wife like that? Make a chore jar. If he’s mean to you or raises his hands to you, he gets a chore. No video games or TV until it’s done.
3). Make some time, even if it’s 5 minutes a day, to do something fun with your child. No agenda. No lectures or teaching points from mom. Just whatever he wants to do. (Do it when you have time, even if he technically hasn’t earned the time yet.)
4). Stop making appointments for things when you and your husband both have to work. That is really disrespectful to your husband as the main breadwinner. If you can’t avoid it, then do your best to find some kind of alternate transportation or see if it can be done via zoom.

Okay. You’ve got this. You can make your home a more positive and peaceful place.

[Anonymous]

If you're working 15 to 20 hours a week, then yes, it is quite lazy and needs improvement. But, I don't think all the complaining your DH is doing is helping the situation, either. Have you considered putting your son in therapy? If he's not completing schoolwork, he absolutely should not be allowed to play any video games. Changes (even small ones) need to take place in your household to improve the environment/quality of life for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I make 55k and my spouse makes double that. She would NEVER tell me I don’t make enough money in a belittling way like that. It sounds like you take the easy way out a lot but you can easily change that and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. I would suggest counseling with your spouse. Find time for a daily walk with your son and look for a few easy and healthier dinner and food options. Fancy doesn’t equate with being healthy so don’t stress about fancy meals. You could buy a couple of rotisserie chickens and have that one night with whatever veggies you like then use the leftover chicken to make soup or quesadillas or whatever you like.

[Anonymous]

You sound lazy (just being honest), but your DH is a grade A arsehole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're a beaten down mother, but you have a bad husband. There is NOTHING WRONG with a microwave baked potato with baked chicken and vegetables for dinner. What the hell is your husband cooking for dinners? He sounds like he just walks around insulting you and criticizing, and thinks he's immune from any reproach because he earns more money.

I hope you get a raise or a job that pays more but don't tell him, and squirrel away the extra money and use it to leave this guy.

I agree. Trying that much with school is the opposite of lazy. I would set up some expectations for how your son can gain screen time (chores, reading, a walk, some schoolwork). But I can certainly see why you sound depressed. Your husband is a real jerk.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to take charge of your child and tell your husband to stand back! Why does DH treat you like you are “less”? You are equal!!!

Forget about house and cooking, I am worried about your son. If you work 3-4 hours per day, spend the rest with your son. You are NOT working a lot (most of us work 8-10 hours a day). You have time to do better by your son and he needs to be your priority and he is your responsibility. Forget about your DH he is a ahole, but you have a lot of time on your hands to fix your son physically and more importantly emotionally. Take him out, play with him, cook with him, take him to activities outside of the house, etc. you HAVE to do better.