Am I a bad mother?

[Anonymous]

The son is probably taking cues on how to treat you from his dad. That’s part of the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, I need to know. And no one loves to call out bad parenting like dcum. My husband's criticism is driving me crazy, literally. First, my work interferes with my parenting and doesn't pay enough, either. If I work too much, he says I am too stressed and busy and it's bad for our family. If I don't work enough, he says I don't make enough money and it's bad for our family. I spent my son's elementary years doing volunteer work in the classroom like I worked there, working in the evenings and on weekends, and he complained I ruined every weekend by working (but still didn't make enough money). Right now I work about 15-20 hours a week, flexible (but unpredictable and odd), and sometimes he has to make my son dinner or lunch or take him to something, which makes him mad because he works all day (from home). When I work, I work online, with camera and mic on the whole time, and I can't do anything else. My husband gets angry that I can't be bothered during that time. He also doesn't think I should ignore him and my son while I'm working because I don't make enough money. and that makes him angry.

I am not a good cook. I try, I have a collection of cookbooks, but still, I'm not a good cook. Often I'm busy with work or just tired (maybe I'm just lazy, I'm not sure, but I feel tired) and I cook prepared food. Like, Trader Joe meals that are frozen and you put them in a pan. Or I make simple things, like hot dogs, or chicken drumsticks with frozen corn and a microwaved potato. It's sad, I know, but it takes a long time to find a new recipe and make something fancy. Sometimes I buy ingredients planning to cook something fancy, but never get to it, and the ingredients go bad. He gets angry I'm wasting food that he pays for (actually, my salary pays for groceries, but he figures my contribution doesn't count since he pays for everything else). My son is overweight, and I think it's because he sits on the couch all day playing video games, but my husband says I feed him bad food. I honestly don't know what else to feed him and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't eat it anyway (my husband says if I die then he will feed my son only super healthy food and my son will eat it. Guess I'll never know.)

My son, who is in 5th grade, is not doing well in school with distance learning. I spent most of the year sitting next to him, trying to get him to focus, but our DL was pretty awful. Just slide shows, no cameras or sound. My son couldn't do it, wouldn't do it, just eventually got up and refused to even look at the computer anymore. So I hired tutors and signed him up for outschool classes. I made binders for each subject, photographed work and sent it to his teachers to try to show them he was doing something. It was expensive. It worked a little. My husband seems to think if he were not working all day making all the important money, then he could have done better than I did. I'm a teacher, so I don't know, but that's what he thinks.

Oh, and I don't clean that much. The house is not a pig sty or anything, but it's not great.

My son is unhappy because he doesn't see his friends much. I try to host parties (well, outdoor, distanced covid parties with 4 kids) to help him stay in touch with kids, but his two close friends don't go outside much. They are too busy doing homework and practicing violins or piano. My husband says we should be doing that, but my son refused to continue with musical instruments after everything went virtual. I tried, but you can't force a big 11 year old to do much that he doesn't want to do. Another parenting failure is that when my son is screaming that his life is awful and he wants to die, the stress is too much for me to keep forcing him to do what he doesn't want to do.

So there, all the ways I am failing as a parent. Am I really bad, or is my husband just too critical? Does anyone else do these things? I think the worst part of it is that I can't do better. This is actually my best. That's sad, right?

How much do you make and what does DH make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, I need to know. And no one loves to call out bad parenting like dcum. My husband's criticism is driving me crazy, literally. First, my work interferes with my parenting and doesn't pay enough, either. If I work too much, he says I am too stressed and busy and it's bad for our family. If I don't work enough, he says I don't make enough money and it's bad for our family. I spent my son's elementary years doing volunteer work in the classroom like I worked there, working in the evenings and on weekends, and he complained I ruined every weekend by working (but still didn't make enough money). Right now I work about 15-20 hours a week, flexible (but unpredictable and odd), and sometimes he has to make my son dinner or lunch or take him to something, which makes him mad because he works all day (from home). When I work, I work online, with camera and mic on the whole time, and I can't do anything else. My husband gets angry that I can't be bothered during that time. He also doesn't think I should ignore him and my son while I'm working because I don't make enough money. and that makes him angry.

I am not a good cook. I try, I have a collection of cookbooks, but still, I'm not a good cook. Often I'm busy with work or just tired (maybe I'm just lazy, I'm not sure, but I feel tired) and I cook prepared food. Like, Trader Joe meals that are frozen and you put them in a pan. Or I make simple things, like hot dogs, or chicken drumsticks with frozen corn and a microwaved potato. It's sad, I know, but it takes a long time to find a new recipe and make something fancy. Sometimes I buy ingredients planning to cook something fancy, but never get to it, and the ingredients go bad. He gets angry I'm wasting food that he pays for (actually, my salary pays for groceries, but he figures my contribution doesn't count since he pays for everything else). My son is overweight, and I think it's because he sits on the couch all day playing video games, but my husband says I feed him bad food. I honestly don't know what else to feed him and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't eat it anyway (my husband says if I die then he will feed my son only super healthy food and my son will eat it. Guess I'll never know.)

My son, who is in 5th grade, is not doing well in school with distance learning. I spent most of the year sitting next to him, trying to get him to focus, but our DL was pretty awful. Just slide shows, no cameras or sound. My son couldn't do it, wouldn't do it, just eventually got up and refused to even look at the computer anymore. So I hired tutors and signed him up for outschool classes. I made binders for each subject, photographed work and sent it to his teachers to try to show them he was doing something. It was expensive. It worked a little. My husband seems to think if he were not working all day making all the important money, then he could have done better than I did. I'm a teacher, so I don't know, but that's what he thinks.

Oh, and I don't clean that much. The house is not a pig sty or anything, but it's not great.

My son is unhappy because he doesn't see his friends much. I try to host parties (well, outdoor, distanced covid parties with 4 kids) to help him stay in touch with kids, but his two close friends don't go outside much. They are too busy doing homework and practicing violins or piano. My husband says we should be doing that, but my son refused to continue with musical instruments after everything went virtual. I tried, but you can't force a big 11 year old to do much that he doesn't want to do. Another parenting failure is that when my son is screaming that his life is awful and he wants to die, the stress is too much for me to keep forcing him to do what he doesn't want to do.

So there, all the ways I am failing as a parent. Am I really bad, or is my husband just too critical? Does anyone else do these things? I think the worst part of it is that I can't do better. This is actually my best. That's sad, right?

Your husband sounds like kind of a jerk. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re a bad mom. Srsly consider talking to someone. Sorry you’re having a rough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, I need to know. And no one loves to call out bad parenting like dcum. My husband's criticism is driving me crazy, literally. First, my work interferes with my parenting and doesn't pay enough, either. If I work too much, he says I am too stressed and busy and it's bad for our family. If I don't work enough, he says I don't make enough money and it's bad for our family. I spent my son's elementary years doing volunteer work in the classroom like I worked there, working in the evenings and on weekends, and he complained I ruined every weekend by working (but still didn't make enough money). Right now I work about 15-20 hours a week, flexible (but unpredictable and odd), and sometimes he has to make my son dinner or lunch or take him to something, which makes him mad because he works all day (from home). When I work, I work online, with camera and mic on the whole time, and I can't do anything else. My husband gets angry that I can't be bothered during that time. He also doesn't think I should ignore him and my son while I'm working because I don't make enough money. and that makes him angry.

I am not a good cook. I try, I have a collection of cookbooks, but still, I'm not a good cook. Often I'm busy with work or just tired (maybe I'm just lazy, I'm not sure, but I feel tired) and I cook prepared food. Like, Trader Joe meals that are frozen and you put them in a pan. Or I make simple things, like hot dogs, or chicken drumsticks with frozen corn and a microwaved potato. It's sad, I know, but it takes a long time to find a new recipe and make something fancy. Sometimes I buy ingredients planning to cook something fancy, but never get to it, and the ingredients go bad. He gets angry I'm wasting food that he pays for (actually, my salary pays for groceries, but he figures my contribution doesn't count since he pays for everything else). My son is overweight, and I think it's because he sits on the couch all day playing video games, but my husband says I feed him bad food. I honestly don't know what else to feed him and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't eat it anyway (my husband says if I die then he will feed my son only super healthy food and my son will eat it. Guess I'll never know.)

My son, who is in 5th grade, is not doing well in school with distance learning. I spent most of the year sitting next to him, trying to get him to focus, but our DL was pretty awful. Just slide shows, no cameras or sound. My son couldn't do it, wouldn't do it, just eventually got up and refused to even look at the computer anymore. So I hired tutors and signed him up for outschool classes. I made binders for each subject, photographed work and sent it to his teachers to try to show them he was doing something. It was expensive. It worked a little. My husband seems to think if he were not working all day making all the important money, then he could have done better than I did. I'm a teacher, so I don't know, but that's what he thinks.

Oh, and I don't clean that much. The house is not a pig sty or anything, but it's not great.

My son is unhappy because he doesn't see his friends much. I try to host parties (well, outdoor, distanced covid parties with 4 kids) to help him stay in touch with kids, but his two close friends don't go outside much. They are too busy doing homework and practicing violins or piano. My husband says we should be doing that, but my son refused to continue with musical instruments after everything went virtual. I tried, but you can't force a big 11 year old to do much that he doesn't want to do. Another parenting failure is that when my son is screaming that his life is awful and he wants to die, the stress is too much for me to keep forcing him to do what he doesn't want to do.

So there, all the ways I am failing as a parent. Am I really bad, or is my husband just too critical? Does anyone else do these things? I think the worst part of it is that I can't do better. This is actually my best. That's sad, right?

How much do you make and what does DH make?

My income varies. In a good year, it's 30K, last year it was 10K (because of COVID).

[Anonymous]

Why did you volunteer in the classroom so much? And why do you have this specific job? It sounds like you are not being paid very well for your time, maybe you need to change jobs.

[Anonymous]

Go back and re read. It is literally all "my husband says". You said it 50 times. See the problem here? YOUR HUSBAND. You deserve better

[Anonymous]

So little of this is parenting stuff. I feel for you on pushing your son to do stuff when he is really upset. I struggle with the same thing with my kid. For parenting stuff, you might try connecting with a school based counselor. I've been working with a counselor at my child's school since march and she is so helpful. She won't have anything to say about cooking and cleaning, because, again, that is not parenting stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you volunteer in the classroom so much? And why do you have this specific job? It sounds like you are not being paid very well for your time, maybe you need to change jobs.

30k for part time really isn't bad. But this isn't about the money. OP's husband is a jerk. Yes someone working fewer hours can do a bit more around the house than someone working full time, but if the ft working person doesn't like how they do it, they don't get to give a bad performance review. This is a bad dynamic.

[Anonymous]

You’re not a bad mother, but your husband is a shitty husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go back and re read. It is literally all "my husband says". You said it 50 times. See the problem here? YOUR HUSBAND. You deserve better

Ugh yeah, husband sounds awful. You’d do much better leaving the jerk and getting his money, I bet you’ll be happier and less stressed.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a giant jerk. But something tells me he gets away with it with your silent permission. The child is learning from him unfortunately. I think therapy really helps.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I was in your EXACT situation. My H treated me like an employee and constantly gave me “performance reviews” to “help me do better”.

So I quit the job.

He didn’t like how I bathed DC? No problem, baths were now 100% his responsibility.

Didn’t like a food I made? I cooked for only myself and let him handle mealtimes.

Complained that the house was a mess? “I never wanted all that junk in the first place, dear. You won’t let me throw it away, so you can handle it the way you see fit”

When he micromanaged my interactions with DD, I’d leave the house for the day and let him manage things.

Within a couple months he was legit crying over how “hard” it all was. Yea dude. Unfortunately he still didn’t make the connection that *I* was also feeling like everything was hard. He still expected me to take on the burden but do it his way.

We divorced and life is so much better now. I get to run my household the way I want. My relationship with DD has drastically improved. I still get texts from xH trying to micromanage (“I need to discuss with you the way you bathe DD...” 🙄) but they’re easy to ignore.

Honestly every mom I know who got divorced became a rock star mom after divorcing. It’s so much easier to enjoy parenting when you’re not dealing with a sh!tty husband.