13 yr old was caught texting mean swears
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Anonymous
| Title says it. How would you handle this? DS reportedly independently apologized to to textee, electronics ( cell phone and video games) have been taken away ( because DS’s actions have shown us he can not be trusted to make good decisions with electronics) and we have had a very lengthy conversation with DS. DS has taken responsibility. How long should phone/ electronics be confiscated for? Did I miss anything? |
Anonymous
| How long do you think? You know your child best. It would probably be a week in our home. You did fine. |
Anonymous
| Was this bullying or a spat with a friend? I would take electronics for at least a couple weeks in either case, longer if bullying |
Anonymous
| OP here. So I am having a hard time with the length of confiscates electronics because this is the primary way our DS communicates with friends. DS is exclusively DL’ing and is not in any organized activities because of covid. Sigh. DS needs the connection with friends.....but how do we enforce a natural consequence? COVID times have turned our normal parenting techniques upside down. Any suggestions? This mamma needs help. |
Anonymous
It was a spat over being included in a video game. |
Anonymous
OP I would keep the phone if that is what DS used for the infraction. The rest of the electronics had nothing to do with him texting. The phone would be gone for at least six months. I would put his phone service on hold. I have done this many times. Yes, I undrerstand if they can text and dm friends through other electronics. But taking the phone away goes right to the crime. |
Anonymous
|
Growing up, most of us would be “grounded” for rule-breaking, right? These days, the equivalent of grounding is taking away their means of electronic communication.
Personally, I think a week would be fair, with the understanding that you’ll be monitoring more closely and future infractions would incur harsher punishments. It sounds like he’s already gotten the message that he did something wrong, so all you need is a little extra to ensure he remembers it next time. I would make sure you’ve walked through a better method for dealing with situations like this, though. Even something as simple as taking a break to cool down before responding can help. |
Anonymous
I’d go a week and then increase your checking in on his devices snd texts (with his knowledge.) make it clear another episode will mean much much longer loss. |
Anonymous
He can use screens to communicate but has lost his privacy for a bit since you need to monitor his interactions? So you will read his texts/chats/whatever until you are convinced he can handle it. Especially do this if he overreacted to not being included in something. DS (16) has a friend who regularly blows up at the peer group over not being included. I've seen some of what he texts to them and it is shockingly vile. I've known him a long time and what he writes is not consistent with his behavior the rest of the time, but the other boys don't like it and then, unsurprisingly, leave him out of more things. His mom only hears about him being left out, and she rushes to sympathize with him. This cycle has been going on for years, and what the kid is not getting is feedback from an adult that he is contributing to his own rejection with his behavior. It's sad. Of course, this may not be happening at all with your son, and his text may have been a one time thing, but I think it's worth keeping tabs on. |
Anonymous
Pp again: I also think that by age 13, a lot of stuff like meanness and rudeness will eventually self-correct among friends. He’s not a little kid, who needs guidance because he can’t understand the consequences of hurtful actions. You can remind him of this, but eventually he’ll start getting shut out of stuff if he’s consistently being a jerk to his friends. In other words, downright abusive or bullying behavior should be shut down immediately, but maybe let him discover on his own the natural consequences of just being rude or jerky to his buddies. |
Anonymous
I also vote that a week is plenty, and he can be told when he gets the phone back that if he does this again, next time it'll be TWO weeks. |
Anonymous
I don’t understand what he did wrong? He texted a swear word? Or was mean? Honestly, this is incredibly minor. I would not have interested at all! |
Anonymous
I don't really understand what your son did. Like PP, if it was just swearing, I wouldn't even give it a second thought. But, presuming it was something more and a first infraction, I would institute daily review of his online activities. Really, everything doesn't require a consequence to learn a lesson. And, like you said, this is the time of Covid. It would have to be something very extreme or repeated after sufficient warnings before I'd cut off whatever little contact my child has with her friends. |
Anonymous
| Agree with the last few posters who aren’t sure this is quite as big a deal as the first few are. I remember some really good advice I got when the kids were younger from a parent if older kids was “remember when you read their texts it’s gonna make your eyeballs burn up sometimes.” It has been my practice to look at their phones when they’re still younger teams because I want to know what’s happening in their lives and what they’re dealing with. But I don’t think “take away their phone ” is the right answer to everything. Have you listen to teenagers talk? They will be swearing a lot. Have you listen to teenage boys talk to each other? There will be a lot of put downs. That’s not to say that bullying or obviously anything sexually predatory should be ignored. But in your case I would probably actually check his phone multiple times and get a sense of pattern and how kids speak to each other and also drop in the reminders about anything they say you can be screenshot and passed around… |
Anonymous
| How did you discover the texts? I watch texts with the goal of catching big deal things like suicidal thoughts, true bullying, drug/alcohol abuse. Unless this was truly egregious I would not mention it if I saw it myself on the phone. I don’t want my kid sneaking around to other apps, knowing I watch the texts. Since you do know, and you’ve discussed the removal of the phone, I think a week is plenty. I totally agree with your sentiment about the pandemic and the phone being the only communication device. It is tough to remove it when there is no school. You’re doing fine, and for goodness sake don’t take the phone away for 6 months like pp suggested. That’s ridiculous. |