How to support spouse when their parent likely doesn’t have much time left

[Anonymous]

Hi all, my spouse’s mother has had a series of health issues that may signal the beginning of the end. Maybe weeks, maybe a year? Waiting on tests. We are a few states away, but spouse is planning to drive there in a week or two. What is the best way to support my spouse at this time? What was helpful for you if you went through this?

I will obviously pick up all the slack at home and make sure spouse has ample alone time. What else? My parents are doing okay so I don’t have much experience with this.

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Continue to let him/her know that you are taking care of the homefront, are there for him/her, and let spouse talk about feelings and emotions when they want.

If you are not aware, I highly recommend books by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. They will give insights into the stages many dying people go through, as well as dealing with grief.

[Anonymous]

My DH took over communicating with our friends and extended family for me. He kept everyone informed, but it was an enormous relief to not have to have the same painful conversation dozens of times.

Obviously, as you’ve mentioned, covering things on the home front is huge. I’d encourage him to spend as much time with his mother as possible. It will definitely help him process his grief after she’s gone. These things are so unpredictable. He could go and she may linger for weeks, or he could get an urgent call tomorrow. Be prepared to move quickly.

[Anonymous]

Managing the home front is the best thing you can do. Helping children with the emotional burden of losing a grandparent. Finding an outlet for your problems outside of your spouse for awhile also helps. You will get frustrated, overwhelmed, upset- and all those emotions are ok and valid, but not to be shared with your spouse. Be ready to handle some outbursts from your spouse that are not fair- don't be a doormat, but be empathetic and understanding of where it is coming from. Encourage therapy. NO matter what age you are, losing a parent is hard. And a spouse is not always equipped to be a therapist. Plan a few different "nights off" for your spouse- whether alone, with friends, family, date night, etc.

The hardest thing for me wasn't my spouse. It was the resentment that built up for my sisters-in-law. DH did most of the heavy lifting, the in-person support, the financial support, etc. His sisters were too far, didn't have extra money to spare, had years of emotions relating to their dad. I understood to some extent- but that also left DH with the burden and a feeling that he was the only one and so he had to do everything. There was a lot of baggage that had to be dealt with in our situation, and caregiving wasn't fair or equitable in any way. Sometimes that is just the way it goes- but therapy helped DH deal with those emotions. I didn't do any therapy for this- but I did talk to a lot of friends, crowd source some of my emotions for a reality check, read up on this type of family dynamic, etc.

[Anonymous]

Ask him. Every single one of us deals with this differently. What my husband needed when his parent was dying was different from what I needed. Communication made all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Going through this right now. My father is really sick. DH is expected to listen, and not share his opinions, unless asked. I would think that is something that would be important to anyone in my shoes.

As for taking on routine work, unless your spouse is involved in taking care of the parent/making decisions, I would ask. For me, having mundane things to do that can take my mind off my dad, is a little bit of a relief.