Parents of 4 or more

[Anonymous]

We are leaning toward having a fourth but worry about bandwidth. Our oldest is 8, youngest is 2. We love parenthood and are intentional, involved parents with careers (part-time for me) and other activities. We would love to hear from parents of 4 or more, particularly with older or adult children. What challenges did you face? How did you make it all work? What did you wish you had known about adding one more to your family?

Thanks!!!

[Anonymous]

Bandwidth was always a major issue when they were kids and teens, especially getting them to activities. Lots of conflicts with them having a special event at the same time, and obviously we couldn't be in 3-4 places at once. There were some things they wanted to do like travel sports that we just couldn't make work. God forbid if one of them has a health issue that requires a lot of appointments because just getting them all to the basic appointments can be a big lift. Surprisingly, bandwidth is starting to become an issue again now that they are starting to have children of their own and we want to be involved grandparents! Having a big family is the best, though, and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

[Anonymous]

Activities are a problem, yes, although less so during covid. The biggest problem we face is vacationing. It's much, much more expensive to go on holiday with four. Hotel rooms usually max out at three kids. So we have to get two - and that means DH sleeps in one and I sleep in another. Renting a car is harder because it has to fit six - most cars only fit 5 and in smaller areas, that means we have to rent two. If we need a taxi to the airport? Definitely 2 - because taxis aren't meant for 6 plus luggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Activities are a problem, yes, although less so during covid. The biggest problem we face is vacationing. It's much, much more expensive to go on holiday with four. Hotel rooms usually max out at three kids. So we have to get two - and that means DH sleeps in one and I sleep in another. Renting a car is harder because it has to fit six - most cars only fit 5 and in smaller areas, that means we have to rent two. If we need a taxi to the airport? Definitely 2 - because taxis aren't meant for 6 plus luggage.

And international travel is even harder with even 3 kids. Hotels rooms are much smaller.

[Anonymous]

I have 4 and want up to 10... We'll see. I happen to just love kids

[Anonymous]

I have four, same age spread as yours would be, eldest is in college now. It’s great having a big family. It is also hella $$ as they get older. Hand me downs are not happening as much, activities, college, car insurance. And I do remember that my oldest kid didn’t get to sign up for travel whatever because I had babies and toddlers who needed naps etc. I was able to do that with my youngest two. But it all works out- older kids got different things that the younger ones didn’t. Agree with the PPs who talk about logistics- cars and hotel rooms. Vacations are super pricey compared to families of four. If you’re on the fence, go for it. It’s really not ever something you regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Activities are a problem, yes, although less so during covid. The biggest problem we face is vacationing. It's much, much more expensive to go on holiday with four. Hotel rooms usually max out at three kids. So we have to get two - and that means DH sleeps in one and I sleep in another. Renting a car is harder because it has to fit six - most cars only fit 5 and in smaller areas, that means we have to rent two. If we need a taxi to the airport? Definitely 2 - because taxis aren't meant for 6 plus luggage.

And international travel is even harder with even 3 kids. Hotels rooms are much smaller.

I don't even know what this means or why this would ever be a factor with having another kid. We have 4 and until they were all teens we got one hotel room (Embassy Suites are the best for this) and travel internationally all the time. You just stay in a "family room" and the overseas hotels are much better for that then in the US.

That said, OP you will love it. I would have more if my husband hadn't decided he was done.

[Anonymous]

I have four: 8, 5, 2.5, and almost 6 weeks. I don’t regret it for a moment (except at 2am when the baby doesn’t want to go back to sleep), but obviously I don’t know what it’ll be like when they’re older. The older kids all play really nicely together and my oldest adores the baby. She figured out that I hate sitting in a chair with a sleeping baby on me all day and has started counter-offering for her chores... “Mom, why don’t I hold the baby and you can make yourself a cup of tea and then YOU can put away my laundry?” Smart girl...and frankly I’m delighted to take her up on it.

[Anonymous]

We have 4 with a similar age spread. Our oldest is now in college and youngest is in 6th grade. The challenges we face included needing a bigger car, a bigger house and no to travel sports. Our older kids played sports every season but we had to say no to travel teams. What worked well for us to handle things that could have been bigger obstacles day to day was that our kids went to a Catholic school PK-4 through 8th grade. This meant that we only had one school schedule to keep track of, many activities took place right after school so no extra driving required and most importantly we had a close knit community of families that was used to the practice of car pooling and pitching in. Both DH and I worked full time but we had somewhat flexible schedules so we could stagger our work days so one parent was home in the morning until nanny/school drop off and the other parent was able to pick kids up from school between 3-5pm. We took the position that we would always be the first family to offer to drive other kids to practice/games/park/parties. Our school community was not one to keep track of specifics on favors but I always made sure that I was helping out other families whenever I could so that we could count on rides for our kids if needed.

Or kids shared bedrooms so that we could stay in a smaller house and live closer to work. As the kids got older this became a bigger challenge and we had to upgrade past a 3 bedroom when the oldest hit high school.

Having a big family is great and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

[Anonymous]

Friends don't invite you over as a family nearly as often , at least not for several years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have four: 8, 5, 2.5, and almost 6 weeks. I don’t regret it for a moment (except at 2am when the baby doesn’t want to go back to sleep), but obviously I don’t know what it’ll be like when they’re older. The older kids all play really nicely together and my oldest adores the baby. She figured out that I hate sitting in a chair with a sleeping baby on me all day and has started counter-offering for her chores... “Mom, why don’t I hold the baby and you can make yourself a cup of tea and then YOU can put away my laundry?” Smart girl...and frankly I’m delighted to take her up on it.

Me again: just wanted to add that we wouldn’t do travel sports anyway, we have our older kids sharing a bedroom anyway, and I’m a SAHM. If you feel like everyone having their own bedroom / playing three sports / etc are important to you, it’ll be a lot harder to manage with four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have four: 8, 5, 2.5, and almost 6 weeks. I don’t regret it for a moment (except at 2am when the baby doesn’t want to go back to sleep), but obviously I don’t know what it’ll be like when they’re older. The older kids all play really nicely together and my oldest adores the baby. She figured out that I hate sitting in a chair with a sleeping baby on me all day and has started counter-offering for her chores... “Mom, why don’t I hold the baby and you can make yourself a cup of tea and then YOU can put away my laundry?” Smart girl...and frankly I’m delighted to take her up on it.

Me again: just wanted to add that we wouldn’t do travel sports anyway, we have our older kids sharing a bedroom anyway, and I’m a SAHM. If you feel like everyone having their own bedroom / playing three sports / etc are important to you, it’ll be a lot harder to manage with four.

Four here, and I approve the above.

For us, it also really brings home the need to train kids to perform household tasks. Teaching a seven year old to put away his own clothes is an arduous process, but the eventual gains make it worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

Just had my fourth. I have tons of help. Older kids (8 and 6) in school full time (catholic) 3 year old in pre k five mornings. I have a nanny 25 hrs a week (I am on leave but typically work about 15 hrs a week) plus weekly cleaners and a Saturday babysitter. We are busy but feel like we have a handle on things. To me - help is key.

[Anonymous]

If you or your spouse require much (or really any) alone time, its nearly impossible with 4 kids. Althought with 3 kids you probably already know this.

Also most families I know with 4+ kids don't travel as often as families with fewer kids. Obviously in DCUM-land someone will jump on to tell us how rich they are and how much they travel with their 6 children that they send to expensive private school, but in real life, that is not my experience. Larger families still vacation of course, but they are much more likely to drive there and rent a home or large condo vs. fly and stay at a pricey resort requiring 2 rooms and all meals at restaurants. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends don't invite you over as a family nearly as often , at least not for several years.

Yeah, this part really sucks, but I get it. If someone wants to invite a couple of families over for a small get-together, and one invitation can mean 6-7 people in and of itself... that turns it into a much bigger gathering so we get overlooked for smaller families.