Low energy DH

[Anonymous]

We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Medication can definitely have that effect, OP.
Also, several diseases can create chronic fatigue: anemia and hypothyroidism are two very common, easy-to-treat, ailments that spring to mind.

Of course, he could just be naturally low-energy on top of it. I am low-energy. It seems to be associated with inattentive ADHD, which I also have. My son is the same. I can't hold down a job AND take care of the house and kids, so luckily my husband works and I care for the house and kids. We get by on one income.

[Anonymous]

There’s a cute episode on Bluey about trying to nap while parenting. https://youtu.be/ptgpgpfrqO8


My partner is low energy as well. The only time I can jog it along is if we all leave the house together. I can get him to go hiking, zoo museums...all sorts of stuff. But I must initiate and shoehorn him off couch. He goes to bed super early too. Def adhd, his other fave pastime after naps is definitely scrolling

[Anonymous]

I am on medication for anxiety and depression OP, and it also makes me a lump. My choices either seem to be panicking with anxiety most of the time, or being a lump.

My goal is to eventually do enough meditation, enough therapy and emotional processing, deep breathing and lifestyle changes that I will be able to calm myself without taking daily meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

OP Im sorry this is hard on you, I really am, because I have been there. So, where is the compassion? Depression and anxiety are pretty serious and if its serious enough that it required medication then it seems there are two problems. His issues and the effect they have on you and the kids. If the issues he has make him this way, then the only thing you can do is level set your expectations or get other help or, once the pandemic is over, find friends for your kids so they can get play time and attention and let DH take over tasks that don't require a ton of energy. Playing with a young child is intense.

What does DH have to say about any of this? Where are his thoughts about this? I was just thinking that the lack of compassion in your post might be more than just your own weariness of the situation. Does he talk about how bad he feels about this, or is he just so completely out of it that he cant engage that level of communication about the state he is in?

Finally: HOW LONG has he been on the meds?

[Anonymous]

Low T, low iron, low vitamin D? Wrong meds? I would keep exploring this because I don't think I could live with a low energy spouse forever.

[Anonymous]

Agree it's probably related to the mood disorders or their medication.

Another tangential "non-medical" reason-- I suspect in the case of my DH-- is that he cannot seem to put a cap on being a night owl, even though he wakes up early with the kid/for his job. When left to his own devices, he is on his own devices-- he looks at YouTube on his phone until the wee hours, probably at least 3-4x/week. It's actually productive stuff, but he needs to GO TO SLEEP (he does have ADHD, so you see...) He has also always been able to sleep anytime, anywhere, so he will seriously just nod off some afternoons. Drives me mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

OP Im sorry this is hard on you, I really am, because I have been there. So, where is the compassion? Depression and anxiety are pretty serious and if its serious enough that it required medication then it seems there are two problems. His issues and the effect they have on you and the kids. If the issues he has make him this way, then the only thing you can do is level set your expectations or get other help or, once the pandemic is over, find friends for your kids so they can get play time and attention and let DH take over tasks that don't require a ton of energy. Playing with a young child is intense.

What does DH have to say about any of this? Where are his thoughts about this? I was just thinking that the lack of compassion in your post might be more than just your own weariness of the situation. Does he talk about how bad he feels about this, or is he just so completely out of it that he cant engage that level of communication about the state he is in?

Finally: HOW LONG has he been on the meds?

DH has ASD so he thinks it's fine/great. He considers napping in the room while DS plays spending quality time together. He's been medicated for 2 years, right another the time of ASD diagnosis. If it seems I don't have compassion, it's because I'm emotionally tapped out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

OP Im sorry this is hard on you, I really am, because I have been there. So, where is the compassion? Depression and anxiety are pretty serious and if its serious enough that it required medication then it seems there are two problems. His issues and the effect they have on you and the kids. If the issues he has make him this way, then the only thing you can do is level set your expectations or get other help or, once the pandemic is over, find friends for your kids so they can get play time and attention and let DH take over tasks that don't require a ton of energy. Playing with a young child is intense.

What does DH have to say about any of this? Where are his thoughts about this? I was just thinking that the lack of compassion in your post might be more than just your own weariness of the situation. Does he talk about how bad he feels about this, or is he just so completely out of it that he cant engage that level of communication about the state he is in?

Finally: HOW LONG has he been on the meds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

OP Im sorry this is hard on you, I really am, because I have been there. So, where is the compassion? Depression and anxiety are pretty serious and if its serious enough that it required medication then it seems there are two problems. His issues and the effect they have on you and the kids. If the issues he has make him this way, then the only thing you can do is level set your expectations or get other help or, once the pandemic is over, find friends for your kids so they can get play time and attention and let DH take over tasks that don't require a ton of energy. Playing with a young child is intense.

What does DH have to say about any of this? Where are his thoughts about this? I was just thinking that the lack of compassion in your post might be more than just your own weariness of the situation. Does he talk about how bad he feels about this, or is he just so completely out of it that he cant engage that level of communication about the state he is in?

Finally: HOW LONG has he been on the meds?

Sorry OP. Accidental double post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

OP Im sorry this is hard on you, I really am, because I have been there. So, where is the compassion? Depression and anxiety are pretty serious and if its serious enough that it required medication then it seems there are two problems. His issues and the effect they have on you and the kids. If the issues he has make him this way, then the only thing you can do is level set your expectations or get other help or, once the pandemic is over, find friends for your kids so they can get play time and attention and let DH take over tasks that don't require a ton of energy. Playing with a young child is intense.

What does DH have to say about any of this? Where are his thoughts about this? I was just thinking that the lack of compassion in your post might be more than just your own weariness of the situation. Does he talk about how bad he feels about this, or is he just so completely out of it that he cant engage that level of communication about the state he is in?

Finally: HOW LONG has he been on the meds?

DH has ASD so he thinks it's fine/great. He considers napping in the room while DS plays spending quality time together. He's been medicated for 2 years, right another the time of ASD diagnosis. If it seems I don't have compassion, it's because I'm emotionally tapped out.

PP here. AHA! I knew you were leaving something important out. I understand now.

This is super tough. I think you need support as a spouse of someone with ASD so you may need to find a support group for that online. Even if its not your thing, maybe you should just find one and read the posts and get some perspective. Otherwise you will feel very alone.

People with ASD usually have some kind of interest. What are DH's interests? He may be a better parent when the kids are older and can share in his interests or if they have interests that overlap with his.

I recently saw a documentary about a man with ASD that was really touching and made it clear that his charms cames with serious drawbacks for his longtime girlfriend. Nonetheless he maintained a supportive and wonderful relationship with the daughter of his previous wife/partner, and became her mentor in an unexpected way.

Your needs are not being met now and you probably need to find a way to connect with someone who can help you sound that out and just be able to speak it out loud.

Of course your compassion will appear diminished when none comes YOUR way. (!) Which is going to be super hard to come by with an ASD partner. I dont know, though. It probably depends on the individual.

There are plenty of non ASD non medicated dads who might do very similar behaviors though. So, there is that. But then in your case it will feel harder to see a solution. That doesnt mean it doesnt exist.

Im sorry OP!! HUGS to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

OP Im sorry this is hard on you, I really am, because I have been there. So, where is the compassion? Depression and anxiety are pretty serious and if its serious enough that it required medication then it seems there are two problems. His issues and the effect they have on you and the kids. If the issues he has make him this way, then the only thing you can do is level set your expectations or get other help or, once the pandemic is over, find friends for your kids so they can get play time and attention and let DH take over tasks that don't require a ton of energy. Playing with a young child is intense.

What does DH have to say about any of this? Where are his thoughts about this? I was just thinking that the lack of compassion in your post might be more than just your own weariness of the situation. Does he talk about how bad he feels about this, or is he just so completely out of it that he cant engage that level of communication about the state he is in?

Finally: HOW LONG has he been on the meds?

DH has ASD so he thinks it's fine/great. He considers napping in the room while DS plays spending quality time together. He's been medicated for 2 years, right another the time of ASD diagnosis. If it seems I don't have compassion, it's because I'm emotionally tapped out.

PP here. AHA! I knew you were leaving something important out. I understand now.

This is super tough. I think you need support as a spouse of someone with ASD so you may need to find a support group for that online. Even if its not your thing, maybe you should just find one and read the posts and get some perspective. Otherwise you will feel very alone.

People with ASD usually have some kind of interest. What are DH's interests? He may be a better parent when the kids are older and can share in his interests or if they have interests that overlap with his.

I recently saw a documentary about a man with ASD that was really touching and made it clear that his charms cames with serious drawbacks for his longtime girlfriend. Nonetheless he maintained a supportive and wonderful relationship with the daughter of his previous wife/partner, and became her mentor in an unexpected way.

Your needs are not being met now and you probably need to find a way to connect with someone who can help you sound that out and just be able to speak it out loud.

Of course your compassion will appear diminished when none comes YOUR way. (!) Which is going to be super hard to come by with an ASD partner. I dont know, though. It probably depends on the individual.

There are plenty of non ASD non medicated dads who might do very similar behaviors though. So, there is that. But then in your case it will feel harder to see a solution. That doesnt mean it doesnt exist.

Im sorry OP!! HUGS to you.

I just found this: https://www.mghclaycenter.org/parenting-concerns/families/asperdad-growing-up-with-a-parent-on-the-autism-spectrum-maybe/

[Anonymous]

As well as this: https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca/articles/tips-for-women-in-relationships.html

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you have a very specialized situation on your hands for which you will have to get super creative to find good strategies. I know how draining it can be to deal with someone who not only appears incapable of the task of helping parent a young child, but seems like they have no clue and therefore won't improve. I think its very likely your DH will in fact improve as a parent as your little one gets older. That doesnt help you now... Find someone to talk to to vent properly, maybe even someone who has worked with people with ASD, ADULTS with ASD, so you can get some strategies and support!!!!

[Anonymous]

Question - if a grown adult is unable to let go of their phone (or video games) and regularly stays up late wasting time and then doesn’t have energy to do anything the following day, is that acceptable? If he can’t make the effort to play with his kid he is probably half-assing it at work too. How can he do any better with consistently poor sleep?

My suggestion - go cold turkey on devices. Treat him like the teenager he is, and lock the phone and iPads up after 10pm (or ideally, after work itself). Let him detox and realize there’s more to life than YouTube.

And no, I’m not a hypocrite for typing this on my phone on DCUM because I put away the phone after work to engage with my family, spend an hour on my phone after kids are asleep, then an hour or so reading a book, then bed so I can be refreshed in the morning. That’s what grown-ups do.