Low energy DH

[Anonymous]

Stop nitpicking your husband's parenting. If your DH takes your child to the park, it's his business how he interacts with the kid. Don't micromanage.

[Anonymous]

OP it is really hard to have an only child and the focus is all on the parent to play. I'm guessing that is part of the reason that he is so low energy. So you know, some parents are better with older kids. Have you asked your husband what he enjoys doing with his child that would be more engaging? Building train sets? Legos? Marble run? Invest in some things that would stimulate your DH to engage.

[Anonymous]

No one is addressing that OP's DH has an ASD diagnosis along with the bonus anxiety and depression.

OP is probably discouraged at this point, because this ***t is hard.

OP Im the one thats posted the other links. I came across a thing about Amy Schumer and her experience with her husband who is ASD. Google it. Im sorry.

I went through a very different thing with my ex husband. The similarity could be the inability to be a proper partner...and therefore parent.

His issues are narcissism, addiction, abusive behavior. These emerged, unfolded, and developed AFTER we had a child.Bonus challenges were depression and anxiety.

I am remarried now.

If my husband had ASD but had a heart, and saw me, and I knew he loved me, I might still be with him, if he wasnt also abusive and an addict and a narcissist.

You are in the tough position of having to acknowledge that this is not the partner you envisioned for yourself and you are seeing it POST CHILD. Which was my situation as well.

But you also clearly have hung in there for a reason. Only you can find the answer to the questions that come up, which are, at their core: is this the partner I need to continue to commit to and understand so that my child can have a father OR is there some other model for how my child can have a father while the father and I have a relationship that is not marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

While that’s kind of funny that he’s literally and physically lying around, I can empathize as my spouse just sits there listlessly through meals as well. it got so bad and chronic he got tested thinking thyroid or adhd. It was autism spectrum disorder, plus the associated anxiety, anger outbursts, and depression. It’s still not good. Just protect the kids and surround them by sociable people when you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child, and the way DH plays with him is that he just lies there with his eyes closed. DS is playing with trucks so DH will just lie there on the floor and let DS drive his trucks over his back. Taking DS to the park involves DH lyingon a slide with his eyes closed. DS is 5 and draws family portraits with DH napping.

DH doesn't have any pressing medical issues. He is medicated for anxiety and depression. But is otherwise healthy. he sees me, but mostly he's just a lump. Obviously we're not going to have any more kids. Does anyone else have this challenge and what can be done about it? Or is this just the way it is.

OP Im sorry this is hard on you, I really am, because I have been there. So, where is the compassion? Depression and anxiety are pretty serious and if its serious enough that it required medication then it seems there are two problems. His issues and the effect they have on you and the kids. If the issues he has make him this way, then the only thing you can do is level set your expectations or get other help or, once the pandemic is over, find friends for your kids so they can get play time and attention and let DH take over tasks that don't require a ton of energy. Playing with a young child is intense.

What does DH have to say about any of this? Where are his thoughts about this? I was just thinking that the lack of compassion in your post might be more than just your own weariness of the situation. Does he talk about how bad he feels about this, or is he just so completely out of it that he cant engage that level of communication about the state he is in?

Finally: HOW LONG has he been on the meds?

DH has ASD so he thinks it's fine/great. He considers napping in the room while DS plays spending quality time together. He's been medicated for 2 years, right another the time of ASD diagnosis. If it seems I don't have compassion, it's because I'm emotionally tapped out.

NT/AS relationships are very difficult - the exec functioning deficiencies, the lack of verbal communication, the mind blindness to anyone or anything’s needs, the loneliness. anything you’ve read about nt/as is true.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. My husband has inattentive ADHD, not discovered until after we had our first child.

It is soooo frustrating, and so hard to deal with because people just don't get it. My Mom understand now, but when I first started to complain about him literally doing nothing, she would just say "maybe he just doesn't know what to do." But magically, I always knew. Having an underfunctioning partner is nothing I imagined for myself. Exhausting isn't even the word.

Anyway, I encourage you to find a support group and a therapist for yourself. Being able to verbalize how I felt + find ways to communicate with spouse + locate help for spouse is key.

[Anonymous]

I don't play with my kids and I'm high energy. I don't find the activity fun. I would never even lie on the floor while they are playing and let them ride cars over me. I tell them I'm not your source of entertainment. Play with cousins, play with friends. I'm your parent. The fact that he is even willing to be a lump while your kid rides cars over him is okay with me. Sounds like your kid needs a playmate similar in age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question - if a grown adult is unable to let go of their phone (or video games) and regularly stays up late wasting time and then doesn’t have energy to do anything the following day, is that acceptable? If he can’t make the effort to play with his kid he is probably half-assing it at work too. How can he do any better with consistently poor sleep?

My suggestion - go cold turkey on devices. Treat him like the teenager he is, and lock the phone and iPads up after 10pm (or ideally, after work itself). Let him detox and realize there’s more to life than YouTube.

And no, I’m not a hypocrite for typing this on my phone on DCUM because I put away the phone after work to engage with my family, spend an hour on my phone after kids are asleep, then an hour or so reading a book, then bed so I can be refreshed in the morning. That’s what grown-ups do.

Horrible advice. NEVER treat your spouse like a child.

Perhaps his meds need adjusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't play with my kids and I'm high energy. I don't find the activity fun. I would never even lie on the floor while they are playing and let them ride cars over me. I tell them I'm not your source of entertainment. Play with cousins, play with friends. I'm your parent. The fact that he is even willing to be a lump while your kid rides cars over him is okay with me. Sounds like your kid needs a playmate similar in age.

Your poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't play with my kids and I'm high energy. I don't find the activity fun. I would never even lie on the floor while they are playing and let them ride cars over me. I tell them I'm not your source of entertainment. Play with cousins, play with friends. I'm your parent. The fact that he is even willing to be a lump while your kid rides cars over him is okay with me. Sounds like your kid needs a playmate similar in age.

Your poor kids.

Why? I'm on a quest not to raise entitled narcissist. My kids have each other. My kids have peers. I'm not my child's peer not am in their friend. I'm their parent and I hope I can someday evolve into being a parent/counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't play with my kids and I'm high energy. I don't find the activity fun. I would never even lie on the floor while they are playing and let them ride cars over me. I tell them I'm not your source of entertainment. Play with cousins, play with friends. I'm your parent. The fact that he is even willing to be a lump while your kid rides cars over him is okay with me. Sounds like your kid needs a playmate similar in age.

Your poor kids.

Why? I'm on a quest not to raise entitled narcissist. My kids have each other. My kids have peers. I'm not my child's peer nor am I their friend. I'm the parent and I hope I can someday evolve into being a parent/counselor.