Why do some women pick men who treat them shabbily?

[Anonymous]

I'm not being judgmental; I'm curious if it's confidence or what. On the other hand, some women have spouses who treat them like queens. What is the recipe?

[Anonymous]

1. They're stupid
2. They're inexperienced with men
3. Low self esteem
4. A combo of any of the above three

[Anonymous]

Plus many women are conditioned since birth that their own identity is tied up in men’s approval of them. Our society tells them that.

[Anonymous]

Ha, recently my husband said a few things to people that made it sound like he doesn’t treat me well. Out of context they raised eyebrows but he is a fantastic spouse. He doesn’t treat me like a queen; I don’t get random flowers or surprise nights out or presents. But he goes out of his way to make my life better and we have a good relationship, much better than most of the people on this board.

Anyway, point is, it might look worse than it really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. They're stupid
2. They're inexperienced with men
3. Low self esteem
4. A combo of any of the above three

And 5. They watched their dad or male family members treat women badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. They're stupid
2. They're inexperienced with men
3. Low self esteem
4. A combo of any of the above three

This is incredibly mean, even by DCUM standards. I'll give you #2 and #3, but calling people who accept poor treatment "stupid" makes me think you are someone who takes advantage of others and feel justified in it.

Agree with PP that many women are conditioned to think that if someone treats them poorly, it's their own fault. That's how I was raised to, and I had messed up relationships in my 20s as a result. I worked on it though and also got a little lucky and am now married to a great guy. He doesn't treat me like a queen, but we have a partnership of equals and he is respectful and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not being judgmental; I'm curious if it's confidence or what. On the other hand, some women have spouses who treat them like queens. What is the recipe?

Have a father who loves and respects you and his wife.

[Anonymous]

I almost went down this road. It was like the analogy of the frog in the pot of water. It started fine, and the warning signs and trouble came on so gradually, so subtly, they were easy to ignore. I was gaslighting myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost went down this road. It was like the analogy of the frog in the pot of water. It started fine, and the warning signs and trouble came on so gradually, so subtly, they were easy to ignore. I was gaslighting myself.

Yep

Most of the time the guy doesn’t start out being a jerk

[Anonymous]

My abusive father told me I was a bitch and no one would ever marry me. I grew up to be grateful for any scraps of affection i received.didn't know how to ask for proper treatment. Didn't feel I deserved it.

[Anonymous]

So what is the solution? How do you stop the cycle?

[Anonymous]

It all stems from low self-esteem and not realizing one’s worth. The way to break the cycle is work on loving yourself. When you do, you don’t allow bs into your life.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a narcissist, so our entire family dynamics were structured around making sure that she didn't get upset. Our wants and needs were unimportant - ignored or ridiculed or gaslighted. She fees entitles to say mean, critical things to any of us, without consequence, and to violate any boundaries that we set. So I grew up thinking that the criticism, ignoring and belittling were normal behaviors, to be expected and managed.

The good news is that I don't stay with my poor choices in men, and that I've cut off my mom so I can try to stop the cycle. The bad news is that it takes a lot of time and work to fix me.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you why I did. Really shitty examples growing up. It took FOREVER to unlearn. Seriously, some of the hardest work I've ever done. I could write a book about the effects of crap dads and the fallacy of "staying together for the kids."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My abusive father told me I was a bitch and no one would ever marry me. I grew up to be grateful for any scraps of affection i received.didn't know how to ask for proper treatment. Didn't feel I deserved it.

I hear this and get this. Also? IT FEELS FAMILIAR. And that can be oddly conforting. I'm so sorry this happened, PP.