New parent here: anxiety/sensitivity disorder emerged since becoming a parent

[Anonymous]

We had a kid about a year ago and my blood pressure is through the roof, especially since the child is with us all day due to no daycare. Becoming a parent has brought on an anxiety disorder that manifests itself through OCD/environmental sensitivity that I never realized I had.

-I get extremely flustered/anxious when the child is screaming, yelling, and generally acting like a maniac. My heart starts beating through my chest, I can't think clearly, I shut down.
-When the kid starts making a mess, I freak out. I can't sit down or chill out until the mess is cleaned up. I feel like I am cleaning my house 5x per day.
-We have a small house and I just feel claustrophobic with all the baby stuff + whatever mess the child has made today. We have way too much stuff in the house. We are not getting rid of anything because "what if we want to have another baby?" It's unnerving and I feel like the walls of my house are caving in with stuff.
-I feel that I have no time to engage in my hobbies or even exercise, because we have to trade off watching the baby plus trying to work. I have gained 15 pounds, we eat crap, and I just generally feel so unhealthy. My sleep was become disordered, as I wake up multiple times per night. If I get a chance to exercise, I manage to sleep soundly. I'd say that I only sleep 5-6 hours per night, probably due to general anxiety.

Fortunately, the baby is sleep trained and does a solid 12 hours per night. Naps are intermittent and inconsistent in recent weeks.

I really just want to exercise and try to lead a healthier life, but we are literally trapped at home all day. I feel that my work quality is suffering, I am a lot less productive (our "To Do" list is so long), and it's just easier to watch Netflix at 8pm than deal with life.

How do people handle this? What am I doing wrong? Our only activities are seeing local relatives on the week and it's just not enough to stay engaged.

I feel like I'm going nuts. I can't even engage in a discussion of having another kid - it literally sounds like the worst idea in the world.

[Anonymous]

Here are things you can do this week to improve the situation:

1. Get a storage space for all of the baby gear you don't need (and anything else in your house that is unworkable currently). Take the stuff there.

2. Keep one pack & play and put the kid in it with some toys while you do a 20" workout video. If you want me to post the video, say so and I will do that.

3. Call your doctor and ask for a couple of weeks of sleep meds and a referral for a therapist who can help you with sleep.

[Anonymous]

If the baby is sleeping for 12 hours, why are you only sleeping for 6? Would seem easy enough to get an hour of exercise, 8 hours of sleep and still have an extra 3 hours to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the baby is sleeping for 12 hours, why are you only sleeping for 6? Would seem easy enough to get an hour of exercise, 8 hours of sleep and still have an extra 3 hours to yourself.

Because she has an anxiety disorder, and people with anxiety disorders often don't sleep well. It's not like everyone on earth can just lay down and sleep whenever they want to.

[Anonymous]

Here is what I do that helps:

1) Weekly video call with the same small group of friends. We started doing this early in the pandemic and now we do it even when none of us are really feeling it (those calls are short). But we have stayed committed because even when we are all kind of sick of and annoyed with each other, it is keeping us connected and helps with the isolation and the parenting stress. If you can find a way to make this happen, I highly, highly recommend. Try scheduling for 8pm after the baby goes to bed.

2) Join a virtual gym. I got a subscription to Barre3 and do barre classes in my living room a few days a week, plus go for runs while my DH takes solo parenting time at least a couple times a week. If I don't feel like running or working out, I go for a walk. If my DH is busy and I have to get out of the house, I bundle the kid up in our stroller sleeping bag thing, hand her a snack and sippy cup, put on my headphones, and just walk around our neighborhood while listening to a podcast. Bonus: sometimes she falls asleep and when I get home, we can park the stroller somewhere quiet while she naps and I get a bonus break.

3) Try one of the therapy apps. Better Help is good. Or call your insurer and get a list of approved therapists and call around to see if anyone is taking new patients and has tele therapy.

4) Do a bedtime routine for yourself. I like to lie on my acupressure mat for 20-30 minutes while watching TV, then take a bath with lavender Espom salts, then do my skin routine and read in bed for a little while. No screens. If your baby is sleeping 12 hours at night, this is a great time to get in some recharge time just for you.

It will get better when the weather warms up. You'll be able to get outside more, your baby will start walking and be more active which is a great distraction, and there will be more opportunities for outdoor socializing (and exercise classes!). This is just a very tough time with everything hitting at once -- peak Covid, February weather, residual hangover from political crap, and probably some normal adjustment to motherhood for you. Check out this article on "matrescence" from Alexandra Sacks: https://medium.com/@alexandrasacks/matrescence-what-is-it-bea6aa0450d0. It helped me understand the life altering shift of becoming a mother in a way that is bigger than the usual discussion of postpartum depression or maternal anxiety.

Good luck! You aren't alone -- a lot of us are right there with you.

[Anonymous]

I also developed a major anxiety disorder with the birth of DC. At the behest of my physician, I went on meds and went to therapy. I had panic attacks (which is sounds like maybe you have), and I developed methods to bring me back to the present when I had those. Those methods are different for different people, but I hold an ice cube in my hand to ground myself back into my body when having a panic attack. I had to remind myself that what I was experiencing would not be forever, and that it was possible that once XYZ happened (e.g., kid went to daycare), I would be able to lose weight (for example) and think more clearly.

The only advice I'd give is the following:
Having a baby is very very hard when not in a pandemic, and I don't know what it would be like in a pandemic. You don't have to have things put away or clean or anything. Try to give yourself the grace of not doing anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the baby is sleeping for 12 hours, why are you only sleeping for 6? Would seem easy enough to get an hour of exercise, 8 hours of sleep and still have an extra 3 hours to yourself.

Because she has an anxiety disorder, and people with anxiety disorders often don't sleep well. It's not like everyone on earth can just lay down and sleep whenever they want to.

Yes, this. I never had a hard time sleeping until I had my first child, when my anxiety disorder popped up.

[Anonymous]

OP: I would say get a sleeping pill. Melatonin first, then ask a doctor for Lunesta or something. With my anxiety, the lack of sleep increased my anxiety which made it harder to sleep and it became a vicious cycle. When I got some sleep, I was finally able to do other things I needed to do to get my life under control. I didn't need the sleeping pills for long. Of course you will need to be sure somebody can be with the baby during this time if needed.

Here is the book I always recommend for anxiety (it isn't just for phobias). It was better for me than Xanax and my psychiatrist highly approves of the book. Sadly it requires some time alone, which is hard with a baby, but I think getting a handle on your anxiety is the most important thing in your life right now.

https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne-dp-1684034833/dp/1684034833/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

Anyways, I'm sorry OP. This happened to me too and it was so hard. Anxiety sucks.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is hard. Parenting in a pandemic is brutal. So much of what you’re experiencing is normal. Not okay. But normal.

Get the clutter under control as well as you can. Agree with the PP that if you want to keep the baby stuff keep it in a storage unit. If you can’t afford that, get some under the bed storage bins or some kind of storage furniture (hello ikea!) and get it out of your sight.

Similarly, reduce the number of toys your kid has access to to play with. Put temporarily off limit toys in a storage bin, keep it in the living room if you have to, make sure the bin has a lid the baby can’t open (or is entertained by trying to open - bonus!). You can change toys out regularly, but it may help to get some of them out of the way.

Get a splat mat for under the high chair. When meal time is done, shake/wipe it off, fold it up and stick it in the high chair. Wash it as needed. Then you only have to sweep/mop the floor daily.

Not having time for hobbies and exercise is normal with little kids even when there isn’t a pandemic.

Try meditating. Or taking some deep breaths. (Inhale for a count of 5, hold for 5, exhale for 5). Do this 3x a day and before you do any of the things you know will stress you out. Try insight timer app or others that have free guided meditation. There are some guided meditations to help calm your mind for sleep too.

Ask your doctor for referral to a prescriber for psychiatric medications and for a therapist. You might benefit from someone who specializes in PPD/A. For that reason you may have better luck checking with your OB. But be aware it may take a while to find an available counselor. An anti depressant or anti anxiety medication may be a big help.

[Anonymous]

Everything everyone said above. And also... I am a pretty put together person, very organized, very unflappable. Having a kid was hard. Because I am hyper organized, neat freak, have to have things planned out, etc. a kid throws things off and that was hard for me to deal with. Plus he was a terrible sleeper and I do not do well without good sleep! I eventually learned to cope and honestly he was/is the easiest kid a person could have. But I also waited 10 years before having another and really thought hard about it and made sure I was prepared knowing that it was a challenge for me. I would also say that my experience is that kids get so much easier starting at the age of 5. It becomes less of a slog and they become more enjoyable. Up till that age just look at it as keeping them and yourself alive!

[Anonymous]

I have felt like you at time, and it is definitely anxiety and extreme stress and not my "normal" parenting mode.

Can you implement a quiet time even if your child isn't napping? Even if they are fussing, just leave them for 30-60 mins, put on some headphones, and take a break?

Don't feel bad either about using some TV for a break! It sounds like you really need it.

For exercise, I do mommastrong.com WITH my kids around. You can do it. Don't let kids around keep you from exercising.

Also, I would honestly say, just get rid of the baby stuff. You can get new stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're tired and housebound in tiny living quarters with a small child in a pandemic. Of course you're stressed. Please find time for a long walk or some form of exercise most days. My solution in a small, NOVA townhouse with small children was to put them in a jogging stroller and then we would walk, run, walk. Getting out of the house for a change of scenery is crucial. It helps!

I also went to IKEA and bought a stack of colorful bins with lids for the toys. They stack nicely and gets the stuff off the floor. I also rotated toys -- some where out, the others went to the attic. When they came back it was like Christmas.

Let your child play. I had a neighbor who freaked out when her children brought out any toys and they always wanted to come to my house where they wouldn't feel guilty about it. My child didn't want to play at their house, either, because "she gets upset if there's a Lego on the floor." Think ahead; is this the type of parent you want to be in five years? Stop fighting the tide with cleaning 5x a day. Aim for good enough. In a few years, your kid will only want technology.

[Anonymous]

Post-partum anxiety is real and it discussed as much as post-partum depression so your OB’s office may not have a screener in place for it. Please make an appointment to see a psychiatrist who specializes in PMA/anxiety disorders. You can make a ton of lifestyle improvements but without addressing the underlying anxiety disorder you will always be struggling more than you need to be. Speaking from experience here.

[Anonymous]

And *not discussed as much as PPD, I meant to say.

[Anonymous]

Post-partum anxiety is real and can be absolutely debilitating. Ask me how I know. Or I'll just tell you ... it was so bad after my second baby that I had a nervous breakdown when she was 9 weeks old. Refused meds, but started talk therapy. Things were still difficult but I figured hey, 2 kids is hard. When she was about 18 months old, my marriage was in tatters and I was constantly getting into arguments with everyone I knew, it suddenly hit me ... I AM NOT OK. Started a low-dose antidepressant and suddenly I had my life back.

I realize meds aren't for everyone, and even if you are open to meds, you may have to try a few before you find one that works for you. But I strongly encourage you to find a therapist that specializes in PPA/PPD for talk therapy and a psychiatrist who can write meds for you if you're open to it. Because you don't have to live like this, honey. Hugs to you.