Parents of older teens - what to expect?

[Anonymous]

I have an 11-year-old, almost 12, and she's been a little more prickly recently. Nothing major, but my usually talkative girl has started giving me curt, one-word answers and her dad and I now seem to embarrass her just by breathing and being alive. It's a little sad really because I feel a bit rejected by her, but I'm hoping it won't last forever.

Am I in for an emotional rollercoaster ride? Are the middle school years more challenging than high school years? Or is the difficulty of the teen years over-hyped?

[Anonymous]

It is so kid-dependent, but even my sweet, even tempered older teen DD did what your DD is doing at that age. It's hard not to take it personally and I found myself thinking wait I'm just doing the same thing I've always done, why suddenly is it all wrong? But don't take it personally and beware that your DD will get even worse. But you'll have times when she's momentarily back to being sweet and fun and those will be the little nuggets of wonderful that keep you going.

And one day she'll emerge from the drama and self-centeredness of adolescence and be a different person. You'll miss the old sweet little girl, but the new woman will be amazing.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was prickly from birth, with wild mood swings, and at 10 it's getting worse. As soon as the pandemic is over, I'll talk to her pediatrician about getting a complete work-up, just to rule out any physical issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so kid-dependent, but even my sweet, even tempered older teen DD did what your DD is doing at that age. It's hard not to take it personally and I found myself thinking wait I'm just doing the same thing I've always done, why suddenly is it all wrong? But don't take it personally and beware that your DD will get even worse. But you'll have times when she's momentarily back to being sweet and fun and those will be the little nuggets of wonderful that keep you going.

And one day she'll emerge from the drama and self-centeredness of adolescence and be a different person. You'll miss the old sweet little girl, but the new woman will be amazing.

You've described my experience with DD who's now in college. Looking back, I feel lucky that we escaped much of the drama and even pain that friends have described with their daughters. I think we benefited from the following:

1) DD played sports, which gave her a strong sense of identity and confidence;

2) She had a terrific group of friends in HS -- not the popular girls and not interested in playing those games;

3) She was active in service activities (working at a camp for kids with cognitive challenges, church trips doing repair work in WV), which helped her feel competent and able to help others.

[Anonymous]

Mother of a college freshman. She went through a middle school and had a period of time where she was just unhappy all the time. She started a new school which she really liked, but it was academically more demanding and she had to work harder to get decent grades. This made her very sad at home during homework time - best part is, the new school drastically limited homework so she actually spent less time on it. Standards were higher and work was harder.

Once we came through that, I would say things were normal. She is often ready to do things that I am not ready for her to do, but that’s a me problem. Her school had an excellent college counseling program so they helped relieve a lot of the stress and conflict from that period of time. She wanted to learn to drive and we wanted her to be driving. So that really wasn’t a flashpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11-year-old, almost 12, and she's been a little more prickly recently. Nothing major, but my usually talkative girl has started giving me curt, one-word answers and her dad and I now seem to embarrass her just by breathing and being alive. It's a little sad really because I feel a bit rejected by her, but I'm hoping it won't last forever.

Am I in for an emotional rollercoaster ride? Are the middle school years more challenging than high school years? Or is the difficulty of the teen years over-hyped?

And you don't ever remember feeling this way about your own parents, OP? Of course it's normal. It's called growing up.

[Anonymous]

Read the book “Untangled”—it’s my bible now parenting a 13 year old girl

[Anonymous]

Totally depends on the kid. I have a 17 yr old boy and 16 yr old girl. Neither of them is rude or dramatic or overly emotional (in normal times anyway, the pandemic has been really difficult for DD). The thing I have found most difficult is just that 17yr old is doing the pretty typical boy thing of withdrawing from the family, doesn't want us to know anything about his life, his friends, etc. He was a very outgoing little kid and from the occasional glimpse of him with his friends he's still like that with them but he never wants to talk with us. Basically tolerates the minimal amount of interaction needed to navigate the college application process. I recall my brother being similar as a teen so I realize it will pass but I miss him and he'll be leaving home in six months.

[Anonymous]

Another mom gave me these two pieces of advice when my oldest entered that age:

- Let them come to you. Instead of asking questions all the time, just say “I’m so happy to see you” “It looks like you had a tiring day” and resist the urge to ask about every school or social detail. This takes a huge amount of restraint but it does seem to result in more openness, at least in my experience

- Share something “everyday special”. For us, it is tv shows little sibling isn’t allowed to watch. It gives us something completely non confrontational to talk about and have in common. And it isn’t pressure filled, like practicing for a sport or something along those lines. For my friend, they got manicures together. I don’t think it really matters as long as it is something you both look forward to and that you can keep up with regularly.

Don’t take it personally—they have a lot going on in their bodies and brains!

[Anonymous]

I love spending time with my now 17 year old. She definately thinks she's smarter than me and knows virtually everything. While she's occassionally dead wrong, she is in fact hugely competent and funny. I mostly laugh at her when she's obnoxious. She also occassionaly lies to me (i've busted her more than once). But there's not a lot of drama. By the time she hit 15-- I understood my role was to set safe boundaries, call her out when she's full of it, but mostly support her and help her become the strong independent young woman that she is. The lies that have cropped are typically related to shifting expectations. You have to re-visit your expectations and whether they should change periodically (i.e. rules that pplied at 15 may need to be revisited at 17). I truly found the MS years more dramatic because the girl friendship stuff is so stressful and then puberty on top of it. By Sophomore year in HS, my DD and her friends had really settled into themselves much more. That siad, some kids really struggle with mental health issues in HS, so my experience is not universal. Full disclosure: we are a family that is out there with our feelings so there is occassion yelling. But that's not cuased by teen hormones, but rather normal family frustrations and difficulties sharing space during a pandemic.