Is nanny confusing my baby or am I just looking for someone to blame my frustration on?

[Anonymous]

We sleep trained my 6 month old son (bedtime only) about 6 weeks ago. Everything was going really well at night, so we decided to start with naps (previously rocked/held to sleep still). We quickly realized he needed more time between naps to fall asleep & stay asleep on his own, so dropped a nap. We started consistently getting good long first naps and hit or miss on his second nap (which we would try to extend after his initial sleep cycle).

Despite our constant requests, our nanny is now reversing our efforts and rocking him to sleep or mostly to sleep for naps and not doing our nap routine to help him wind down, relax, and fall asleep on his own which I have read is critical for transitioning sleep cycles. He's now also struggling at bedtime, and we are dealing with lots of tears again when he initially goes down.

I am at a loss because I've read nights and naps are totally separate, but part of me thinks he's completely confused because his nanny rocks him if he cries, and we are sticking to the sleep training, and it's leading to lots of frustrated tears. I feel awful as a parent. On the other hand, I don't know if it's just a scheduling issue and he's overtired by bedtime from dropping the 3rd nap. Or maybe just going through a regression.

Has anyone had success with sleep training if a daytime caregiver (nanny, daycare, etc.) is not consistently doing the same thing as you are?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to your question.

I just wanted to say that sleep and sleep training are not linear, so you can definitely have backsliding even when you keep the routine the same (this happened to us).

[Anonymous]

It's hard to tell. However, if you really want a certain routine and the nanny is not doing it, it's time for a talk.

It's okay if she doesn't want to raise the child this way, but then you are not very compatible in styles. Or maybe she just doesn't understand what you want, or she doesn't get how important it is to you. Have the talk.

[Anonymous]

Are you at home? She may be rocking to sleep so that he doesn’t cry and interrupt your work. Or she may think that if she lets the baby cry to sleep then she is somehow failing or doing poorly at her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell. However, if you really want a certain routine and the nanny is not doing it, it's time for a talk.

It's okay if she doesn't want to raise the child this way, but then you are not very compatible in styles. Or maybe she just doesn't understand what you want, or she doesn't get how important it is to you. Have the talk.

Thanks yes I completely agree - there is a language barrier so it may be getting lost in translation when we try to reconfirm what is important to us. I actually don't even mind if she follows our exact routine so much as ANY routine. It's very hard for a baby to go from playing downstairs to upstairs in his crib without a wind down and expect him to want to fall asleep without crying about the sudden change (hence pulling him out and rocking him). I figured giving her an exact routine to follow would be easier since she's not seeming to understand the importance in general.

She otherwise loves and cares for him so much, so it's hard to make someone rocking your baby to sleep (out of love and care!) something to be upset about. I just worry the inconsistency between caregivers is really confusing him at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you at home? She may be rocking to sleep so that he doesn’t cry and interrupt your work. Or she may think that if she lets the baby cry to sleep then she is somehow failing or doing poorly at her job.

I am, and I do agree that to some extent she doesn't want us to hear him cry because she views it as a failure despite us telling her that it's ok and being there to check in if he really escalates. We had a lot of success when she initially followed the/a nap routine and put him down awake - he will whine and fuss for a few minutes before drifting to sleep. But the past week or so, something seems to be unraveling with her doing the routine which is leading to rocking, and now bedtime issues.

Could have ZERO to do with her and more to do with a regression, his schedule, teething, anything - as someone said, I know baby sleep isn't linear. Just wondering if anyone has an experience like this with a caregiver who rocked their baby to sleep but were still able to have successful sleep training in the long run when mom and dad were in charge nights & weekends. This is all so hard for me, and I question sleep training every time we have a tough bedtime.

[Anonymous]

What is “lots of tears?” We don’t have a nanny so everything is consistent but I still get as many as 15 minutes of crying at bedtime and often a few minutes of crying at naps (no “routine” except a little cuddle, dark and white noise and sleep sack). I would say she’s fully sleep trained though. She just “powers down” to borrow a phrase from a book. I also notice the bedtime crying is worse on days with a lot of excitement, so I think she’s just processing. It never goes longer than 15 minutes.

I would ask nanny to do whatever it is you want, very specifically. So for example rocking until drowsy, then pit down still awake, then as much as 15 minutes of crying? Whatever it is. Make sure there’s a clock in the room.

But honestly I don’t think it’s this specific or magical. I think some crying is just part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you at home? She may be rocking to sleep so that he doesn’t cry and interrupt your work. Or she may think that if she lets the baby cry to sleep then she is somehow failing or doing poorly at her job.

I am, and I do agree that to some extent she doesn't want us to hear him cry because she views it as a failure despite us telling her that it's ok and being there to check in if he really escalates. We had a lot of success when she initially followed the/a nap routine and put him down awake - he will whine and fuss for a few minutes before drifting to sleep. But the past week or so, something seems to be unraveling with her doing the routine which is leading to rocking, and now bedtime issues.

Could have ZERO to do with her and more to do with a regression, his schedule, teething, anything - as someone said, I know baby sleep isn't linear. Just wondering if anyone has an experience like this with a caregiver who rocked their baby to sleep but were still able to have successful sleep training in the long run when mom and dad were in charge nights & weekends. This is all so hard for me, and I question sleep training every time we have a tough bedtime.

I agree, it’s hard to know if it’s sleep regression or routine. You mentioned there is a language barrier so maybe having a slower pace conversation with a lot of assurance that it’s OK for him to cry for sleep training. Good luck you sound kind and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is “lots of tears?” We don’t have a nanny so everything is consistent but I still get as many as 15 minutes of crying at bedtime and often a few minutes of crying at naps (no “routine” except a little cuddle, dark and white noise and sleep sack). I would say she’s fully sleep trained though. She just “powers down” to borrow a phrase from a book. I also notice the bedtime crying is worse on days with a lot of excitement, so I think she’s just processing. It never goes longer than 15 minutes.

I would ask nanny to do whatever it is you want, very specifically. So for example rocking until drowsy, then pit down still awake, then as much as 15 minutes of crying? Whatever it is. Make sure there’s a clock in the room.

But honestly I don’t think it’s this specific or magical. I think some crying is just part of it.

Thanks this is incredibly helpful. Yeah "lots of tears" is like 20-30 minutes w/ check ins some nights this past week. He's certainly got FOMO and will only go down without any fussing if he's just absolutely exhausted. I don't mind a little fussing as he winds down, but 20 minutes of actual on and off crying is hard to listen to, and makes me feel horrible. It's helpful to know some babies just need some time to decompress and they cry at bedtime sometimes - I feel like everyone talks about sleep training like they have 3 rough nights and then it's all rainbows and sunshine, so maybe I need to partially reframe my own expectations for our spirited dude.

[Anonymous]

I think the “power down” thing was in Precious Little Sleep, which I found easy to read and in line with the other reputable ones. I never did checks so I don’t know but fwiw, I think that would prolong our crying. But I don’t have any kind of data or anything on that obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the “power down” thing was in Precious Little Sleep, which I found easy to read and in line with the other reputable ones. I never did checks so I don’t know but fwiw, I think that would prolong our crying. But I don’t have any kind of data or anything on that obviously.

Thanks! I've had it recommended and have used her blog some in figuring out baby sleep issues along the way. It may be worth reading the book for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to tell. However, if you really want a certain routine and the nanny is not doing it, it's time for a talk.

It's okay if she doesn't want to raise the child this way, but then you are not very compatible in styles. Or maybe she just doesn't understand what you want, or she doesn't get how important it is to you. Have the talk.

This. And it may be time to part ways, too. If I were a nanny, I could not let a baby cry it out no matter what the parents said. Though I'd have had a discussion with the employer and offered to resign if that was a requirement. I think that is the type of thing parents and nanny candidates need to discuss ahead of time though.

[Anonymous]

Still PP, also something that helped me is she honestly cries almost as much if I am holding her. So it’s not like I was choosing between peace and misery.

[Anonymous]

I vote confusing. I think consistency is really important when sleep training, and I don't think naps and nights are as separate as you think.

The language barrier is stressful, but I think it's time to take a half hour and start fresh. Walk her through the fact that you're sleep training, you're goals (to have the baby go to sleep independently and take two naps of at least an hour a day), and what steps you'd like her to take during the day. I think particularly with a language barrier, you might try to get your point across verbally, in writing, and in action if possible. So, start with verbally walking her through it. Encourage questions. Do you have book that you're working off of? Could you maybe flag some key pages and give them to her to read? Or write down the details of your routine (with guidelines of what to do when) and give her basically a one-pager? Especially with a language barrier, sometimes having both a spoken and written option can help bridge that gap. And then maybe have her watch you do the routine one day?

This is a hill I would die on, but I'm alllllll about baby sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I vote confusing. I think consistency is really important when sleep training, and I don't think naps and nights are as separate as you think.

The language barrier is stressful, but I think it's time to take a half hour and start fresh. Walk her through the fact that you're sleep training, you're goals (to have the baby go to sleep independently and take two naps of at least an hour a day), and what steps you'd like her to take during the day. I think particularly with a language barrier, you might try to get your point across verbally, in writing, and in action if possible. So, start with verbally walking her through it. Encourage questions. Do you have book that you're working off of? Could you maybe flag some key pages and give them to her to read? Or write down the details of your routine (with guidelines of what to do when) and give her basically a one-pager? Especially with a language barrier, sometimes having both a spoken and written option can help bridge that gap. And then maybe have her watch you do the routine one day?

This is a hill I would die on, but I'm alllllll about baby sleep.

PP here - I also think it would be best to have this conversation on a Friday, then hit it hard over the weekend, so she's jumping in on day three of intense nap training on Monday, rather than day 1. You do want to minimize the crying she has to deal with. You might even want to even take a couple days off to get a longer stretch of time where you can do it.