A few issues with MY mother. . .

[Anonymous]

My mother cannot wait to be a grandmother. I am happy about this. She plans on spending the first week with us after the baby is born. I am not so happy about this. She informed us that she will be coming home from the hospital to help get situated, care for the baby, etc.

I feel incredibly guilty not wanting her, or anyone besides my husband that first week. She will feel that I am being selfish, and that "I don't realize how much help I will need." I would rather be completely sleep deprived, etc. than have her with us.

Advice? Am I selfish to deprive her of this?

[Anonymous]

How long does your husband have off? Maybe if he has the first week you can ask her to take the second week. You could say something along the lines of... we have the first week covered, but I am really nervous about being home with the baby and adjusting the week he goes back to work. Can you come that week instead... it would be so much more of a help. You may reconsider though when you are in the hospital. I had a really hard birth... I will spare the details... but my mom was planning on going home and coming back after we were settled and neither me or my husband were ready for her to leave. She agreed to stay and it was a life savor. I ended up being put under and was given(in my opinion) WAY too many drugs. Not only did a newborn need taken care of, but I was really loopy. My husband was taking care of me and a newborn. It was nice to have an extra pair of hands (especially that of my moms!)

[Anonymous]

That is a mixed bag. I would say that yes, you will be sleep-deprived, but it is also important for you to have time along with just your dh and child. Does she live in the area? Can she visit you in the hospital, but then give space for you, your dh, and child to enter your home alone and have that first night on your own? Or if not, do you think that she would be receptive to coming a day or two later. Support is essential, but establishing your own new family is too. Good luck balancing the two!

[Anonymous]

OP here-

Thanks for the quick response. Other issue I didn't mention is that my mom has certain beliefs and judgements about how things should be done and isn't afraid to share, criticize, etc. I might make a few mistakes, yet don't want to be scolded or in a position to defer to her.

There is some long overdue boundary setting that hasn't occured, and I guess my struggle is that now is a really difficult time to do it. She lives four hours away, so may resent heading home after the birth. My husband is taking two weeks off, and is really excited about the three of us doing some family bonding together.

[Anonymous]

I absolutley agree with the second poster. I truly wish that I had scheduled some assistance, any assistance, from anyone...and yes, my mother was uber-excited as I was having the first grandchild. Second poster's response is what I did with #2...I had hubby for first week and Momma for second. You will really need the help - any help.

Best of luck

[Anonymous]

My MIL was around the first week. I wouldn't have survived without her. But she has an amazing sense of boundaries. She basically let us do our bonding and taking care of baby, and took care of EVERYTHING else. I mean everything. And she would never criticize. So, if you decide to have mom around, can you tell her what you need as far as help is concerned? Can you be specific? Do you have other kids, dogs, etc. that will get her out of the house. My MIL is in love with our dog. They spent half the afternoon out and about.

It's not just sleep-deprivation. There's so much more going on that I still can't explain. Obviously I don't know your mother and don't know if it's worth having her around, but I really, really needed the help.

If you decide not to have her around, I wouldn't for one second feel guilty about depriving her of that experience. It's a tough time and you need to do what's best for your family. And if having her away is best, then I would do that.

[Anonymous]

I am the first to be hesitant to have my mom stay with me for the week - especially when I will be tired and stressed - but EVERYONE i know has said that you absoluely need her there. Even if there is just someone to do laudry and get you food and bring the baby to you for feedings, that kind of help is so necessary.

[Anonymous]

I think that the original poster hit the nail on the head when she said there are boundary issues with her mom. My mom and dad both came and helped, but they were similar to the 14:15 poster, so it was wonderful. I can imagine with different parents who perhaps aren't so respectful, it could have turned out very different.

[Anonymous]

Do what YOU think is best for you and the baby. The last thing you need is to be stressing out about having her around. My MIL doesn't understand boundaries and my mother is overbearing. We set a no visitors for a week rule, with the explanation that it was family bonding time. Granted, I had an easy recovery, but we didn't need any help. I slept and breastfed; my DH cooked, did laundry and changed diapers.

Oh, and BTW, my MIL who doesn't understand boundaries went to visit both my SILs right after they gave birth and caused major conflict that resulted in bad feelings all around. She lost visiting privileges with one family and has limited ones with the other. Because we set boundaries, we avoided all that. So don't feel badly about doing so.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Let me offer a dissenting opinion. I would follow your instincts to tell your mother to visit later on.

After our son was born, literally every family member who visited (6 or 7 different people at different times) was more of an imposition than a help. They were all delighted to hold the baby for hours on end and offer unsolicted advice, but not one of them changed a diaper, went to the grocery store, or washed a load of laundry.

A number of my friends have had similar experiences, so I often wonder who all these people are with such helpful relatives!

In any event, we are now expecting baby #2, and we have asked for 1-2 weeks alone to adjust to life as a 4-some. Yes, this is requiring my MIL to head home (5 hours away) after the baby is born and then come back a few weeks later, but I'm sticking to it.

Particularly if your Mom has boundary issues, my advice would be to politely tell her that you'd like some "alone time" with just the three of you and can she please come later on. Believe me, if she has boundary issues, this will only be the first of many boundaries you will have to set, so it's good to start off this new relationship with a clear signal that you are making the calls.

This will also give you a chance to get your sea legs as a new Mom and get into a routine before she starts offering her two cents.

Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

I told my mom that my DH was taking 2 weeks off to help at home and that I would welcome her help once DH returned to work. She did as I asked. I wanted time alone with DH and my son before a visitor came.

I'll be telling her the same thing with #2.

[Anonymous]

I agree that boundaries have to set before Mom comes. For some reason my MIL knew them without being told. She did everything BUT care the baby. It was wonderful. My mother however, felt she was there to teach me early childcare and was not very helpful. She slept in late, watched alot of TV and held the baby while I struggled to do everything else.

Have the talk. If you don't want to be up front, tell your mother stories about a fictitious friend that had a Mom who did all the things you are worried about and let her get all righteous about how SHE would never do that. Yes - I was reduced to that, and it worked. Hope you have a better relationship that I do.

[Anonymous]

OP again. . .

This feedback is all very helpful folks.

And yes, I need to grow my sea legs (among other things ) when it comes to the boundary issue. Part of the frustration is that I am simply told by mom what she will be doing and how she will be doing it (in terms of visitation). So it is not just communicating what I want, but making sure it is actually heard and honored. THAT is the tricky part. Her response to things like this are "Well, she is my grandchild, and I want to make sure she knows who I am!"

Hell, the little one isn't even going to know who SHE is in those first few days. It is a matter of sticking to my guns and not feeling like a schmuck when I am inevitably told I am being selfish.

[Anonymous]

If it's any comfort, my MIL uses that line ALL THE TIME (that she wants my son to "know who she is"). It's so stupid, since you're exactly right that the baby won't know who anyone is, except the one with the magic boobs!

I know it won't be easy, but I think sticking up for yourself will be well worth it. If there's one time in life you're allowed to be selfish, I think it's right after giving birth! Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

My mother was around the first few weeks after my baby was born and I thought I would really need her. Quite frankly having her around was more stressful than it was a help though she did help. My hubby was around the first 2 weeks and we really wanted the time to just be the 3 of us. Now with 2nd, 3rd, etc children the extra help at the time of birth and after is great. I think it is best if you flatter her somehow into thinking ( that it was her own idea) that once hubby leaves is when you will be helpless and you will need her to come and help.