A few issues with MY mother. . .

[Anonymous]

My MIL arrived at the hospital the day after I gave birth despite us telling her not to come yet (DC was in the special care unit and we were stressed and very concerned). The day after we arrived home she decided to move in for 3 days (despite objections) and it really was not enjoyable. MIL did nothing but sit with DC all day long while I was running up and down the stairs with laundry, cleaning up and cooking food. Instead of offering to help out so I could take a nap while DC was sleeping, MIL would sit next to me on the couch and tell me that I would never stop bleeding if I continued walking up and down the stairs!!!! My dh did not have any leave and MIL did not once offer to help with anything than the baby (she did not change any diapers-she only wanted to hold the baby).

My own mom came 3 weeks later and she was great. She cleaned the house, washed windows (!), cooked and was a great help. I felt strongly about having the first week with only dh and dc and wish I had been able to stand up for myself. However, #2 is on the way and there will not be any family visits the first week this time.

[Anonymous]

You've got to understand your own mother to know if this situation will really help. My mother went to visit my sister soon after her ds was born and there were VERY bad feelings that lasted years (my mom still talks about it and my nephew is now 20). For me, having my mother around would've been an imposition, she would not have helped where I would've needed her most and I would've spent the time trying to appease her rather than resting and recovering. As a result, my husband took 10 days off with our first, we did it alone and it was fine. With #2, my MIL came for the first week and it was fine.

Go with what your past has been with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL arrived at the hospital the day after I gave birth despite us telling her not to come yet (DC was in the special care unit and we were stressed and very concerned). The day after we arrived home she decided to move in for 3 days (despite objections) and it really was not enjoyable. MIL did nothing but sit with DC all day long while I was running up and down the stairs with laundry, cleaning up and cooking food. Instead of offering to help out so I could take a nap while DC was sleeping, MIL would sit next to me on the couch and tell me that I would never stop bleeding if I continued walking up and down the stairs!!!! My dh did not have any leave and MIL did not once offer to help with anything than the baby (she did not change any diapers-she only wanted to hold the baby).

My own mom came 3 weeks later and she was great. She cleaned the house, washed windows (!), cooked and was a great help. I felt strongly about having the first week with only dh and dc and wish I had been able to stand up for myself. However, #2 is on the way and there will not be any family visits the first week this time.

Ouch! It is hard to be an advocate for yourself when you are already whip tired! So glad that your mother was a huge help. My mom doesn't care to come visit me until AFTER the baby is born, despite the fact that she says she misses me and wants to make sure I am doing okay during and after the pregnancy. Rich, huh?

[Anonymous]

I was very surprised by my mother. She made some noises about wanting to be present for the birth. I said hell, no. I told her she would be invited to visit when we were ready for company, probably after a week or two of just-the-three-of-us. She sulked, but didn't push it.

Then I had a difficult delivery (unplanned c-section and like the PP, way too many drugs leaving me woozy for days), and wasn't recovered by the time my husband had to go back to work on day #8. I cried for my mom like a toddler with a skinned knee. And she dropped everything, hopped in her car, drove six hours, and took care of me til I was on my feet again. I was really surprised at how all of the martyr-crap and emotional manipulation I grew up with, just seemed to fall away at that moment. But there are a lot of strange things that happen when you first have a baby. I definitely appreciated that particular surprise.

One issue you may wish to make a stand on, when she eventually comes, is that YOU will be responsible for baby-care, thank you very much. Her help would be best applied to meals, errands, etc. There are things you can do (feed the baby), and things you cannot (the big weekly grocery shop). She ought to pick up the slack in your "cannot" column.

[Anonymous]

I told my parents that I wanted them to come after two weeks (the amount of time my husband had leave), and they respected that. I was worried about boundary issues with my mother based on comments she had made to me during the pregnancy and felt strongly that I wanted some time with my DH and new DS to adjust to motherhood and establish breastfeeding before anyone came to visit. Although the boundary issues I worried about with my mom ended up not being an issue (perhaps due to the fact that I set those boundaries when she made comments), we were very happy with the decision to have them come after two weeks. My DH is great around the house in terms of cooking and cleaning, plus we had planned ahead by putting some meals in the freezer, so I'm sure that helped, but I didn't feel that I needed anyone else around during those first days. I had an uncomplicated vaginal birth, so I'm sure that helped as well. Anyway, you should do whatever you feel would be best for you and your family and definitely set those boundaries!

[Anonymous]

Any thoughts on how you handle the situation when your MIL or mother comes over/moves in despite earlier explanations of the "first week only us, time to bond?"

I can't imagine turning them away, but can't imagine the stress if your wishes are completely disregarded.

[Anonymous]

We came home to an empty house and quite frankly it was nice. It was a struggle, yes, the dog needed to be walked, the dishes piled up, I was a walking zombie, etc. ,but it was all worth it. I wouldn't trade those first few days of intimacy between the 3 of us for the world. I don't even think we turned the tv on we were so mesmerized and in love with our little bundle.

Definitely muster up the courage and have your mom come a little later. Be strong yet diplomatic. You got some great advice already and you yourself realize boundaries need to be set. This is YOUR (your family's) time, not hers.

If she is stressing you out now pre-baby, then it will only get worse post-baby. Your baby will know who grandma is just like she'll know aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, neighbors, etc.

good luck and congrats...

[Anonymous]

I don't know -this is tough. I have a complicated relationship with my mom so I said no to her being around at first and said the "why don't you come in a few weeks" thing. What I didn't realize is how much I did need her and how lonely it was not to share this with her. It's so funny how much you begin to really understand your parents..When you have a baby so many emotions are going on and everything comes up and to a head--I really wouldn't push her out on this because you may wind up like me and realize it was a mistake. If I could do this again, I would ask my hubby to help with the boundaries--i.e. "mom" we are going to take a nap right now, why don't you lay down or watch some tv or "mom" it would really help if you could run to the market. That kind of thing. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I posted a similar question a while back. Since then I spoke to my mom and told her that week 1, while DH has off, we want to be alone with the baby. I spoke to my dad about it first to get an idea of the best way to frame it as to not offend my mom. What I told her was that we really needed that one week as a new family, how DH doesn't get a lot of time off, how once I go back to work I really won't have a lot of time off, etc. And before she could say anything immediately followed up by telling mym om how much I wanted her to come visit once DH goes back to work. She took it better than I expected. I got a little push back (are you sure? you'll be so tired? i can take the baby off your hands for a bit...) but I stood firm and did clarify that if she was coming to help she was coming to help with everything that has to be done in addition to taking care of the baby (cooking, cleaning, etc.). Everything worked at well and I expect her to stick by what we said.

To the earlier poster who was worried about what to do if the in-laws completely disregard your wishes, I'd say make your DH deal with that possibility up front if you really think it is a possibility. We have a rule in our house that when my family is causing problems, I deal with it, when his family is causing problems, he deals with it. It really is the fairest thing, plus you won't be in any state to deal with uncooperative in-laws.

[Anonymous]

To the woman wanting suggestions for the MIL that just shows up:

Say hello, have her come in for a few hours, order a pizza for dinner, and tell her you've booked the local Holiday in.

To the OP:

If your experience is anything like mine, there's no winning. You will really piss your mom off if you set boundaries now. You will also piss your mom off if you don't set the boundaries. So, what to do: speak kindly and gently, but set rules that work for you. She's going to be mad anyway.

If she is hurt, but your language wasn't intentionally hurtful but just truthful, then there's nothing to feel bad about.

I didn't do a great job at setting boundaries then, and people took advantage of me. I'd have been WAY better off having them think I'm a bitch. That's what they think now, but when the relatives visit, they no longer treat me like a dishrag (Mom and MIL).

[Anonymous]

To the OP:  I could have written your post myself.  While I love my mother, she is very opinionated and I feel she is getting worse as the time goes on.  However, sometimes I think I stress myself out more than my mother does, so I never win.  Don't get me started on my MIL, her heart is in the right place, but she is just crazy.  Sorry I don't have any sound advice, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your situation, I actually think your situation is pretty normal.  Good luck.

[Anonymous]

When my first was born 3.5 years ago, my mom told me flat out that she had unwanted visitors when I was born and that she still resented it 30 years later. She told me that when you have a baby, you must make your own decisions about who you want around and be firm.

My mom is normally a bit pushy and opinionated, but when it came to that first week after birth, she really gave me the respect I needed to make my own decision.

People here are correct, you may want help. But YOU are correct that it is a special time to bond and figure it all out. I wanted that time as well with just the 3 of us. Everyone came to visit the day my DD was born. They are all out of town, bought SW tickets at 2 am when we called from the hospital and were in by the time she arrived. They spent the day, and flew home that night. We went home by ourselves and had a few days to ourselves to figure out what we wanted and to feel like we were in control.

After 3 days at home, we were ready to share her with the world. We invited my mom, who like a PP's mom, dropped everything and drove 6 hours to spend a few days with us. She cooked, cleaned and let us nap. Then she left and my MIL did the same thing.

Put your foot down or you will regret it. But nobody will question you if you change your mind 3 days later once the baby arrives.

By the time #2 came around, I cried the day my mom was supposed to leave and she stayed an extra week. All pride is gone at that point, and you've already proved your mettle as a parent.

Best of luck. It's your baby and your life. You make the rules.

[Anonymous]

I love my mother and would be happy for her to stay with us when our baby arrives this summer, but we have a small home. I've spent extended amounts of time with my family in hotels so it's not a big deal to me, but I expect that with my husband and a baby we'll want a little more space and some alone time. Our plan is for her to stay in my old condo for a week or month or as long as we need her or she wants to help. She was going to stay in a hotel, but since my condo is vacant now I offered to keep it furnished and unoccupied until her visit is over.

Of course, I don't expect you to have an extra condo around, but would her visit be more tolerable if she wasn't staying with you? Depending on her budget there are any of a number of places she can stay around the city. Our plan is for my mom to come during the day to help out and go back to the condo at night so we can all get a break from each other.

Good luck!