Would you rather raise kids in NY or VA?

[Anonymous]

DH just got a job offer in NYC. I’m a SAHM of 3 kids. I am from NY and want to move back. The money is better but DH will definitely have longer hours and a much longer commute. He currently has a 15-20 min commute now, even with traffic 30-40 min max. If we moved to NY, DH doesn’t want to live in the city so his commute would be an hour. He doesn’t think we can go from a large single family house with family room, basement and large yard to a 3 bedroom apartment in the city.

Would you move back to NY?

My family and friends live in NY. I feel like I want to move back for my own selfish reasons but not sure if it would be best for DH and the kids.

[Anonymous]

New Yorkers are insufferable, so I'd stay in Virginia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH just got a job offer in NYC. I’m a SAHM of 3 kids. I am from NY and want to move back. The money is better but DH will definitely have longer hours and a much longer commute. He currently has a 15-20 min commute now, even with traffic 30-40 min max. If we moved to NY, DH doesn’t want to live in the city so his commute would be an hour. He doesn’t think we can go from a large single family house with family room, basement and large yard to a 3 bedroom apartment in the city.

Would you move back to NY?

My family and friends live in NY. I feel like I want to move back for my own selfish reasons but not sure if it would be best for DH and the kids.

Depends on the age of your kids, whether he’s willing to commute or would you have to live in the city, etc.

But likely, I would really consider it. But I’m from NY and biased. The burbs there are a great place for kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH just got a job offer in NYC. I’m a SAHM of 3 kids. I am from NY and want to move back. The money is better but DH will definitely have longer hours and a much longer commute. He currently has a 15-20 min commute now, even with traffic 30-40 min max. If we moved to NY, DH doesn’t want to live in the city so his commute would be an hour. He doesn’t think we can go from a large single family house with family room, basement and large yard to a 3 bedroom apartment in the city.

Would you move back to NY?

My family and friends live in NY. I feel like I want to move back for my own selfish reasons but not sure if it would be best for DH and the kids.

I would not give up a 20 min commute for an hour commute. He'd be giving up an hour and 20 minutes of his day, every day. That's soul crushing. There's some good research on this:

https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/commute-times-unhappiness-carpooling-productivity.html

Plus you're pairing it with longer days? No dice. If you really need the money, or it's a big career advancement opportunity that he's excited about, or if it was short term MAYBE I'd consider it - but for a bit more money and so you can be near friends and family doesn't seem worth it at all.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't move anywhere with a county-based school system.

[Anonymous]

I’m from Westchester, loved growing up there and still have friends in the area. I also don’t particularly love it here in VA, despite being here for 18-years. That said, If DH were offered a job in NYC w 1-hr commute so our family could live in the burbs, I wouldn’t go unless it were substantially more money and he could work from home a couple days/week. DH’s office is currently a 15 min drive from home to downtown DC and we’d all be miserable if he added 1.5 daily commute to his life. For our family, the most important factor in our decision would be time lost together as a family.

[Anonymous]

A hour each way plus longer hours? You ok with truly solo parenting? He's going to be exhausted when home.

If you cannot compromise on the housing situation, I would say no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH just got a job offer in NYC. I’m a SAHM of 3 kids. I am from NY and want to move back. The money is better but DH will definitely have longer hours and a much longer commute. He currently has a 15-20 min commute now, even with traffic 30-40 min max. If we moved to NY, DH doesn’t want to live in the city so his commute would be an hour. He doesn’t think we can go from a large single family house with family room, basement and large yard to a 3 bedroom apartment in the city.

Would you move back to NY?

My family and friends live in NY. I feel like I want to move back for my own selfish reasons but not sure if it would be best for DH and the kids.

I would not give up a 20 min commute for an hour commute. He'd be giving up an hour and 20 minutes of his day, every day. That's soul crushing. There's some good research on this:

https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/commute-times-unhappiness-carpooling-productivity.html

Plus you're pairing it with longer days? No dice. If you really need the money, or it's a big career advancement opportunity that he's excited about, or if it was short term MAYBE I'd consider it - but for a bit more money and so you can be near friends and family doesn't seem worth it at all.

Same. Commute is such a big consideration in one’s mental health. And if it was you taking the hit I would say it’s mostly your choice but to ask somebody else to do it who doesn’t really want to seems like setting your marriage up for some resentment, perhaps.

And as for kids: happy parents are best for kids, no matter the location.

[Anonymous]

Does your family live in the city?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't move anywhere with a county-based school system.

Can you expand on this? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Neither, to be honest. Most of VA is the soul of the Confederacy, with laws to match, Northern VA is just ugly road spaghetti, and NYC has quality of life issues for the non-1 percenters in terms of commute and cost of living.

[Anonymous]

What part of ny did you grow up in? I think it depends. I live in Va now, and I’m not really seeing much reason to stay, TBH. Schools are much better in the NY/NJ suburbs. I would probably want to live in NJ or CT not in Westchester. In Long Island, I’d do garden city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't move anywhere with a county-based school system.

Can you expand on this? Thanks!

The any suburbs generally don’t have this except for New York City. Moco and Fairfax are county based school systems. They are huge and inefficient, and not open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't move anywhere with a county-based school system.

Can you expand on this? Thanks!

The any suburbs generally don’t have this except for New York City. Moco and Fairfax are county based school systems. They are huge and inefficient, and not open.

But on Long Island, which is NOT county based, your taxes are through the roof! I taught in Suffolk County

[Anonymous]

Where in NYC will his job be? If it's near Grand Central some of the close in Westchester towns would be good. My sister lives in Larchmont near the train station so she walks there and is at GC in 30 minutes then a 5 minute walk to the office. Granted, it's probably close to an hour, door to door, but Westchester is much better living than the souless VA burbs.