Mother was smothering and critical at same time -- what is that called?

[Anonymous]

So my sister's relationship with our mother was unhealthy, judging from her therapist report to me (I was consulted at my sister's request).

My mom would work to take care of my sister, who was easily overwhelmed, often depressed and anxious, so my mom would smooth out things (which the therapists says is a subtler way of my mom implying my sister can't handle normal things, and thus also critical and undermining). For example, my sister would quit any activity when it got hard; she went away to college for a semester then moved back home to attend local college. When she started working, she found it so exhausting (this was a standard 9-5 office job, nothing extreme like you see here in DC), my mom would do her laundry, cook for her, shop for her, everything, and my sister would just spend her time watching TV.

Eventually my sister went to grad school, and mom helped find her a place to live, helped her move, set everything up for her, often would come visit and clean her place. And of course, through all this time, my parents would funnel money to her, she has never actually lived on her own or managed her life independently.

Now, even with all this "nurturing", mom was critical of my sister, how she dressed, how she was sitting, what she was eating, or that she needed to lose weight. So you had a subtle "let me take care of this, you can't handle it, you are fragile" and the less subtle "you are fat, don't eat this".

sister now has dependent personality disorder, depression, and anxiety; everything is hard and she needs my moms support to do some of the most basic tasks.

So what is the root diagnosis of my mom? Therapist won't diagnosis someone who isn't her patient, but I don't know what exactly this is?

[Anonymous]

Codependent enabler? Narcissistic object? Some religious overtones?

[Anonymous]

Why does it matter? Your mother is controlling, but who cares? Why would you want a diagnosis from a bunch of stay at home moms who majored in English and believe them over a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter? Your mother is controlling, but who cares? Why would you want a diagnosis from a bunch of stay at home moms who majored in English and believe them over a therapist?

Hi Mom!

[Anonymous]

Enmeshment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter? Your mother is controlling, but who cares? Why would you want a diagnosis from a bunch of stay at home moms who majored in English and believe them over a therapist?

So I can read up on how others dealt with it and maybe help my sister untangle from it. It’s a bloody mess, she worships my mom and yet I think her DPD and depression are exacerbated by her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter? Your mother is controlling, but who cares? Why would you want a diagnosis from a bunch of stay at home moms who majored in English and believe them over a therapist?

So I can read up on how others dealt with it and maybe help my sister untangle from it. It’s a bloody mess, she worships my mom and yet I think her DPD and depression are exacerbated by her.

Are you in therapy? It's unlikely that your mom did this to your sister and you are 100% not impacted. See yourself wanting to help your adult sister with this?

[Anonymous]

This is a lot like my MIL and SIL. They are completely enmeshed, but also don’t always really like each other very much. It’s completely bizarre to me. At the same time my MIL really kept my SIL from becoming a full fledged adult, and she knows it, so they both sort of realize they’re stuck. Again, it’s very weird. My DH was treated completely differently and sometimes I’m struck by how sexist it all was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a lot like my MIL and SIL. They are completely enmeshed, but also don’t always really like each other very much. It’s completely bizarre to me. At the same time my MIL really kept my SIL from becoming a full fledged adult, and she knows it, so they both sort of realize they’re stuck. Again, it’s very weird. My DH was treated completely differently and sometimes I’m struck by how sexist it all was.

You could be my SIL.

That’s my mom and me, I am in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Smothering and critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a lot like my MIL and SIL. They are completely enmeshed, but also don’t always really like each other very much. It’s completely bizarre to me. At the same time my MIL really kept my SIL from becoming a full fledged adult, and she knows it, so they both sort of realize they’re stuck. Again, it’s very weird. My DH was treated completely differently and sometimes I’m struck by how sexist it all was.

You could be my SIL.

That’s my mom and me, I am in therapy.

There’s no way my SIL is aware of it enough to be in therapy. But I hope she is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a lot like my MIL and SIL. They are completely enmeshed, but also don’t always really like each other very much. It’s completely bizarre to me. At the same time my MIL really kept my SIL from becoming a full fledged adult, and she knows it, so they both sort of realize they’re stuck. Again, it’s very weird. My DH was treated completely differently and sometimes I’m struck by how sexist it all was.

You could be my SIL.

That’s my mom and me, I am in therapy.

There’s no way my SIL is aware of it enough to be in therapy. But I hope she is!

I think my mom is just starting to notice that the dynamic is unhealthy too - called to say that her love for me may be toxic (!). There is hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter? Your mother is controlling, but who cares? Why would you want a diagnosis from a bunch of stay at home moms who majored in English and believe them over a therapist?

So I can read up on how others dealt with it and maybe help my sister untangle from it. It’s a bloody mess, she worships my mom and yet I think her DPD and depression are exacerbated by her.

You are not a therapist. It is not your place to help someone with psychological problems. You are basically going to replace the role of your mother in your sister's life if you do what you are proposing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter? Your mother is controlling, but who cares? Why would you want a diagnosis from a bunch of stay at home moms who majored in English and believe them over a therapist?

So I can read up on how others dealt with it and maybe help my sister untangle from it. It’s a bloody mess, she worships my mom and yet I think her DPD and depression are exacerbated by her.

You are not a therapist. It is not your place to help someone with psychological problems. You are basically going to replace the role of your mother in your sister's life if you do what you are proposing.

Haha, no I know that’s what my sister and mom are planning (mom is very sick and will not make it more than 3 yrs). That’s why sis asked therapist to talk to me; I want them to disentangle before mom dies, otherwise I worry sister as not function adult will try to glom on to me or something else (there have been past suicide attempts for instance)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter? Your mother is controlling, but who cares? Why would you want a diagnosis from a bunch of stay at home moms who majored in English and believe them over a therapist?

So I can read up on how others dealt with it and maybe help my sister untangle from it. It’s a bloody mess, she worships my mom and yet I think her DPD and depression are exacerbated by her.

I am not a therapist, but if you are looking to read up on dynamics like this and how they affect not only our sister but you, as well as to better understand why your mom is like this, I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. If you get something out of it, you might share it with your sister as well. When I read it, it was like reading my own life story. It clarified so many things that had always bothered me and made it so much easier to do the work I needed to do in therapy.

As others have noted, your mom/sister dynamic might be categorized as enmeshment. My parents are deeply enmeshed with my older siblings and while it has not been as destabilizing for them as for your sister, it has been helpful for me to understand the dynamic better so that I don't get drawn into their dynamic. I don't view it as my job to intervene or fix their relationship, but now at least it doesn't impact me in the same way and I can detach or distance myself as necessary.