How to tell a friend that I prefer to not see her so frequently?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who I see weekly (with precautions). She doesn't seem to hang out with anyone else outside her family. It just somehow happened that it's weekly; at first I felt pretty isolated due to covid, we would take walks, when outside dining was open we did that, etc.
Well right now I feel like she doesn't have much to tell me - you know how it is - it's same old same old with her. Also everything is closed, it's dark and cold, so it's not as pleasant. There are other minor issues which make this just... excessive for me? I would love to hang out maybe 1-2x a month but not every week!
Please help me think of an excuse to cut down on it. For the life of me I can't think of anything which would be a solid excuse for half of the Fridays, but not all of them (as just rescheduling but keeping the same frequency won't help). I have a feeling she will be hurt if I openly tell her it's too much interaction for me.

[Anonymous]

You could suggest some other activity that doesn’t require direct interaction, like signing up for a zoom yoga class “together” where you’re at your house and she is at her house.

[Anonymous]

Just say that to reduce your households chances of covid you are cutting your habits in half. “Hey Liz in order to get through this safely we are drawing back a bit. I’m only going to Trader Joe’s once a month instead of twice, we are only doing household errands every other Saturday and I think I am going to cut down socialization to twice a month...what dates work for you?”

[Anonymous]

This is easy.

“It’s too cold for me this week! Maybe we could try again next week?”

If you don’t want to go out every week, don’t go. Say you’re feeling like hybernating at home, too cold, whatever. She’s a friend not your boss waiting to go over your reports.

[Anonymous]

I think 20:53 is the kinder approach (over 20:56). I know that 20:53's approach is harder to deliver, but I have a friend who does 20:56 all the time (with everyone) --cancelling, then offering another time, then cancelling again...and it's *not* kind. It makes a person feel like they come very low on the list. Also, people get excited to have something to do, someone to see...and it feels a bit like being abandoned.

I think 20:56 approach is common, and delivered by kind and nice people, but it's really not kind to the recipient.

[Anonymous]

It is too cold for me is a fine excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 20:53 is the kinder approach (over 20:56). I know that 20:53's approach is harder to deliver, but I have a friend who does 20:56 all the time (with everyone) --cancelling, then offering another time, then cancelling again...and it's *not* kind. It makes a person feel like they come very low on the list. Also, people get excited to have something to do, someone to see...and it feels a bit like being abandoned.

I think 20:56 approach is common, and delivered by kind and nice people, but it's really not kind to the recipient.

This. And it also makes it impossible to make other plans. If she has come to expect the weekly visits, she is likely planning around them. Telling her, honestly, that you want to dial back a bit, might hurt her feelings at first, but will give her the opportunity to find something else to do. And that will be good for both of you because it sounds you both need to break out of things a little bit and expand your horizons.

I actually like the suggestion above to maybe try to do some not-in-person meet ups for a few weeks to make it easier to break out of your current routine. An online yoga class is a good idea. There are also online games (Among Us!) that could actually be fun, but also limit the amount of time you spend directly interacting. So you could get the break you need that way.

[Anonymous]

OP here: thanks for the suggestions! I am afraid the "too cold" excuse might lead to "let's just meet at my place, we don't see anyone so it's safe". Online stuff is out, this I really really don't want to do, with anyone, not just her.
I will think about it more... there just isn't enough stuff happening for either of us in a week to talk about! ugh

[Anonymous]

blame covid? it is a pandemic and spiking.

[Anonymous]

OP, I did this with an exhausting friend too. The thing that worked for me was just, “sorry I can’t this week! Next week?” And then saying “every other week actually works better for me”. It felt rude, but friend rolled with it and wasn’t offended (just wished it could be more.).

In “return” for fewer visits, I know I will have a bit more complaining of “I don’t get out and see people and wish we saw each other more” each time, but I don’t let it guilt me. I’d rather see her less but still value her friendship.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't actually tell her that you need to reduce the amount of time you're seeing her. I would just say sorry I can't this Friday. How about next Friday?

This might not be relevant, but if this is a good friend, then consider sticking with every week if it sounds like she really needs it.

[Anonymous]

I think I would tell her with the cases spiking, you'd prefer to scale back to 1-2x/month, especially while it's so cold. That's perfectly reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would tell her with the cases spiking, you'd prefer to scale back to 1-2x/month, especially while it's so cold. That's perfectly reasonable.

I would totally do this. 👍🏼

[Anonymous]

This is a strictly platonic friend right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a strictly platonic friend right?

Haha yes

OP here. She won’t believe me if I blame covid unfortunately.
I will probably use “I can’t this Friday”, though I am pretty sure she will ask me why not etc etc. I will think of something though.