How to get wife to do more around the house

[Anonymous]

This is DCUM so no one will believe me, but I do the vast majority of the housework and child-rearing.

I get the kids fed, brushed, dressed, packed and driven to 'school'.
I do the kids & my laundry.
I do the meal prep.
I keep the kitchen clean.
I pick up the house & direct the kids to do their share.
I take out the trash.
I pick the kids up from school.
I cook the meals, and clean up after them, with 'help' from the kids.
After that, we do what she wants, which is usually sit on the couch and watch TV.

I earn 2/3ds of the HHI and we're fine.

She WFH and feels overwhelmed by her job. We could live without it, but she felt like a failure when she was a SAHM with small kids.
2 days a week I work out of the house, and she holds it down with lunchables, leftovers, and a messier house.
On about half the weekends, she'll clean out a closet or do a really good job of cleaning a room. She handles most of the birthday planning (though I help with execution).

I want help...but when I ask about it, as gently as I can, I get deep resentment, and another day (of many!) without sex. When I bring up anxiety or depression, same thing, and a denial. When I bring up counselling, she says she's afraid the counselor and I will gang up on her and/ it wont work. I want some free time of my own for a hobby or exercise. And, of course, I want affection and sex.

I'm 100% sure she resents that I make so much more with apparently (to her) less effort, and have much more time to spend with our children.

What can I do? This has been going on for years. When do you know its time to cut your losses and make separate lives?

[Anonymous]

Asking gently is getting you no where. I’d have a very frank conversation. Tell her you are unhappy and considering separating. Ask her how she feels and then tell her how you honestly feel. Ask her what she needs and tell her honestly what you need.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Honestly, I do nearly everything on your list and that’s just the way it is in our house. When everything went south last year I did tell dh he was in charge of folding laundry from now on, as I can’t do everything. Maybe pick a thing or two and tell her you need her to do it. No emotionally charged conversation, just factual that your list is too long, and she’ll need to start whatever it is. Can she do pick up or drop off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Honestly, I do nearly everything on your list and that’s just the way it is in our house. When everything went south last year I did tell dh he was in charge of folding laundry from now on, as I can’t do everything. Maybe pick a thing or two and tell her you need her to do it. No emotionally charged conversation, just factual that your list is too long, and she’ll need to start whatever it is. Can she do pick up or drop off?

That’s cool if it works for your family, but it doesn't have to be that way and it sounds like OP does not want his household run this way.

Figure out what you want. Ask her what she wants and perhaps try to meet each other halfway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Honestly, I do nearly everything on your list and that’s just the way it is in our house. When everything went south last year I did tell dh he was in charge of folding laundry from now on, as I can’t do everything. Maybe pick a thing or two and tell her you need her to do it. No emotionally charged conversation, just factual that your list is too long, and she’ll need to start whatever it is. Can she do pick up or drop off?

That’s cool if it works for your family, but it doesn't have to be that way and it sounds like OP does not want his household run this way.

Figure out what you want. Ask her what she wants and perhaps try to meet each other halfway.

My point is that for most households, that split is common, and it’s the wife doing all those things. I’m not saying he shouldn’t renegotiate the labor split, just saying its a pretty common one, with the wife taking those duties on in addition to a full-time job.

[Anonymous]

You need to have a very frank conversation with her. This was me on the flip side and I’m now happily divorced. Life is so much easier and happier without having basically another adult child to take care of. I think if I had been able to really verbalize my unhappiness things may have changed. My XH has a new family and from what I can tell he’s actually stepping it up for them so he was capable of being a productive member of the household, he just chose not to in the dynamics of our relationship. Which sounds like your wife.

[Anonymous]

Is she unwilling to do any work? You say she is overwhelmed by her job - maybe try “managing” her for a short time and see if that helps. What I mean is, rather than say you need help with cooking, ask her to cook a specific meal each night (that you have shopped for). Or say hey can you throw in a load of laundry at X time tomorrow? And then you can finish it off. If she is overwhelmed, anxious and/or depressed she may just be struggling to know what to do and when to do it, even though it might be obvious to most people. Her feelings of failure might exacerbate her anxiety/depression/overwhelm and it’s a vicious cycle, but maybe by taking baby steps with clear tasks you can help her break out of it. (Assuming she is not just lazy.)

Even though this would be a huge pain for you for awhile, if she starts successfully completing tasks at home it could help her confidence and then she might be able to self-motivate to do those things without handholding.

Might be worth a try before separating/divorcing?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read your whole post, but for a while I was not pulling my weight around the house, even though I am a stay at home mom and DH was in big law.

The things that helped:

1. DH stopped saying anything about it and I didn’t feel as judged. This is counterintuitive, but if you look up advice from professionals about the situation, you will find that this is the first piece of advice they give.

2. I got my depression and anxiety under control.

3. I discovered the joy of listening to music while I cleaned.

4. I looked up how many hours other people cleaned each day and I was super embarrassed that I didn’t do as much.

5. DH started appreciating more the things I did do, like taking kids to appointments and activities and spending time with them.

Good luck. I know it can be a huge strain and you are right that it isn’t okay when one partner doesn’t pull their weight.

[Anonymous]

Does she have adult ADHD/executive functioning issues? That’s often an easier diagnosis for someone to accept than anxiety/depression, although they often go hand in hand. You can try to have that conversation with her and see if it describes her. Then with ADHD meds and therapy, she could be on the right track.

[Anonymous]

Make your life simpler. What can you give uo? ARe you making elaborate meals? If so stop? Use one day to batch prep a lot of meals that just need warming up.


You don't say how old your kids are but if they are 7 or older give them a little more responsibility as far as cleaning up after themselves it's a good skill for them to have anyway.

Stop trying to control what she does on her 2 days. The kids will live with lunchables.

Get a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have adult ADHD/executive functioning issues? That’s often an easier diagnosis for someone to accept than anxiety/depression, although they often go hand in hand. You can try to have that conversation with her and see if it describes her. Then with ADHD meds and therapy, she could be on the right track.

This is my thought.

I was in OP situation as a wife. My XH had a fairly simple job at the time, almost a hobby really and we were living off my salary and his family’s generosity. He could have quit and been less stressed, but his pride wouldn’t let him. The stress made him abusive though.

Today, he doesn’t really work at all. He had some legal issues and can’t return to his career. He rents a property and does odd jobs when he wants to help out a friend. He is much less stressed!

[Anonymous]

The fact she’s scared a therapist is going to bully her makes me think all the more it’s anxiety/depression/ADHD. If you don’t solve that you’ll never solve anything else. That’s probably why her job is so stressful too-she’s not performing well there either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking gently is getting you no where. I’d have a very frank conversation. Tell her you are unhappy and considering separating. Ask her how she feels and then tell her how you honestly feel. Ask her what she needs and tell her honestly what you need.

Oh please. If this were a woman making the same complaint about her husband, you would make that recommendation. I do so much more than this person, compared to my spouse and threats like this get you nowhere.

[Anonymous]

We got a weekly cleaning lady when our second child was 8 months old.

We didn’t have her for 6 months during Covid, but then brought her back in.

She’s been with us 12-years now and a good reason we have stayed sane.

I WAH making 1/3 of HHI. My husband was overly critical and had unrealistic expectations about the house and wanted to give his input on things I did. The resentment grew and grew between us.

Boys are 13&15 now and do a good portion of household chores. The thing my husband was good at was getting me to see the more we got our kids to contribute to the household over the years, age appropriately, the easier it would be for me.

Wellbutrin helped me. I would get into bouts like your wife and be overwhelmed and nagging and criticism made it worse and I’d shut down. Some of this was also hormones in my early 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got a weekly cleaning lady when our second child was 8 months old.

We didn’t have her for 6 months during Covid, but then brought her back in.

She’s been with us 12-years now and a good reason we have stayed sane.

I WAH making 1/3 of HHI. My husband was overly critical and had unrealistic expectations about the house and wanted to give his input on things I did. The resentment grew and grew between us.

Boys are 13&15 now and do a good portion of household chores. The thing my husband was good at was getting me to see the more we got our kids to contribute to the household over the years, age appropriately, the easier it would be for me.

Wellbutrin helped me. I would get into bouts like your wife and be overwhelmed and nagging and criticism made it worse and I’d shut down. Some of this was also hormones in my early 40s.

And, OP, I believe you. I e always joked my husband is a better “homemaker” than me. Part is personality and our upbringing. He was the oldest child of a single working mom. I was the youngest child. My mom did everything.