Tween behavior change

[Anonymous]

Our 11 yr old has changed overnight. She was honestly the sweetest, kindest and funniest human beings. This pandemic affected her more
than our other kids. She is angry, sad and says she hates having me as her mother. She has isolated herself at home with elearning but works on art (on the side) and keeps busy. We have not had many play dates and she just had her period. So all of this has made her so emotional. But she is shutting me out everyday and says she can’t stand me. I went thru some hormonal stuff with our old one but never this bad. She doesn’t want to go anywhere with me!!! How can I help if she shuts me out. Everything is “No” right now. My husband and I have always been there for the kids and we feel like we are out of solutions! She doesn’t even want to go to therapy. Please help. Making Covid time even harder!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 11 yr old has changed overnight. She was honestly the sweetest, kindest and funniest human beings. This pandemic affected her more
than our other kids. She is angry, sad and says she hates having me as her mother. She has isolated herself at home with elearning but works on art (on the side) and keeps busy. We have not had many play dates and she just had her period. So all of this has made her so emotional. But she is shutting me out everyday and says she can’t stand me. I went thru some hormonal stuff with our old one but never this bad. She doesn’t want to go anywhere with me!!! How can I help if she shuts me out. Everything is “No” right now. My husband and I have always been there for the kids and we feel like we are out of solutions! She doesn’t even want to go to therapy. Please help. Making Covid time even harder!!!

Also it hurts me that she couldn’t even talk about her period with me. Our oldest told me right away?! She also lies a lot about homework, using her tech devices, etc??

[Anonymous]

Give her the space she's asking for. Write her letters. Require her to do family things, like join at the table for dinner. But stop shoving yourself down her throat.

I WISH I hadn't told my mother about getting my period. We were very close, but unfortunately she is very crazy and her crazy extended to my period.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP but also require that your DD be civil.

[Anonymous]

Yes, agree that maybe she just wants space? Maybe not take it personally. Be present, be supportive, be watchful but recognize that she make not like you “underfoot.”

[Anonymous]

Stop with all the exclamation marks and stop comparing your children. Leave her alone. You’re too involved. My mother wanted us to spend every moment with her and if we wanted to do our own thing, she’d get off the charts emotional and accuse us of not loving her. It’s wrong to put so much pressure on her. Just let your daughter be her own person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop with all the exclamation marks and stop comparing your children. Leave her alone. You’re too involved. My mother wanted us to spend every moment with her and if we wanted to do our own thing, she’d get off the charts emotional and accuse us of not loving her. It’s wrong to put so much pressure on her. Just let your daughter be her own person. [/quote


Op here- I will definitely give her space but she is not even doing her homework. Should I just let go??

[Anonymous]

No, homework/schoolwork and civility are not negotiable. Give consequences if she’s not doing those basics. Otherwise, give her space, let her know you’re here for her and maybe try to find some little ways to be present and caring, and organize some family time that she might enjoy participating in.
I also have the sweetest 11yo but she hasn’t had her period yet, and I expect that plus all the hormonal changes will make her act differently for a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop with all the exclamation marks and stop comparing your children. Leave her alone. You’re too involved. My mother wanted us to spend every moment with her and if we wanted to do our own thing, she’d get off the charts emotional and accuse us of not loving her. It’s wrong to put so much pressure on her. Just let your daughter be her own person. [/quote


Op here- I will definitely give her space but she is not even doing her homework. Should I just let go??

PP from above. Sorry OP. I was a little harsh before. You’re obviously a good mom and concerned. Have you talked to her about her refusal to do her homework? If she won’t discuss it now, leave it until her period is over and try to discuss again. If she still refuses, have your husband speak to her. She may be less emotional with him. I hope things get better.

[Anonymous]

If you are seeing a huge behavioral change, I would be a little worried. I’d wonder what she was accessing online and would check on that. If you really think therapy is necessary, then she goes. That is not a choice. That’s an adult decision. You could frame it as family therapy to not make her feel like the problem. I suspect something is going on and I’d be worried about the onset of adolescent depression, which looks very much like a lot of irritability. You could talk to your pediatrician and then have seen by the pediatrician for a talk, and also reach out to your school guidance department. I think she needs to be screened by a professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are seeing a huge behavioral change, I would be a little worried. I’d wonder what she was accessing online and would check on that. If you really think therapy is necessary, then she goes. That is not a choice. That’s an adult decision. You could frame it as family therapy to not make her feel like the problem. I suspect something is going on and I’d be worried about the onset of adolescent depression, which looks very much like a lot of irritability. You could talk to your pediatrician and then have seen by the pediatrician for a talk, and also reach out to your school guidance department. I think she needs to be screened by a professional.

OP here - this is concerning me. How do you know the difference between normal, tween moodiness and irritability vs depression? I feel like my order daughter went thru this stage where people told us to run to a therapist but my husband and I showed so much love and support... she is the strongest, most well balanced teen I know! We don’t know what is happening with our younger daughter. Lying about technology and not doing homework is not acceptable. However I have let it go due to pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Is she getting exercise and time outside?

[Anonymous]

This is a really hard time. My 11 year old boy has been lying and not doing all his work. Definitely moodier. Our requirements are: chores (minimal—like feed and walk the dog, empty dishwasher most days, laundry once a week), homework and school stuff done, and basic manners. But while we love family hikes, we have let him stay home (which kills me).

I would encourage you to read some books about teens (Untangled is great re Teen girls) and at some point take her to pick up a special drink and ask her what she needs from you (not what you think she needs). And while she might say “don’t make me go to school” you can say “that’s not an option, how else can I be there for you? If you need space that’s ok!” She will come back to you when she needs you if she trusts you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, this sounds hard and we experienced a similar (though a bit less dramatic) shift in our 11 y/o recently. We still have to spend a lot of time processing with her, but one thing that she said helped was that she feels like we are giving her more freedom and listening to her.

This started with our asking her to write down a bunch of stuff she wanted to do, but we didn't allow. (She is our oldest so she felt we were too over protective.) It was stuff like walking to a nearby store with a friend, getting allowance for chores, having dedicated texting time, sitting in the front seat of the car, etc. We said no to some things on the list, but there were others that were reasonable. We worked on a list of expectations for her and said that if she could meet our expectations we would start letting her do things from the list.

It was incentive-based, but also got to the heart of the issue from her perspective...she wanted more space and freedom.

None of this was perfect and hope it doesn't come off that way- we had a lot of bumps in the road, but after 6 months it feels better in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, homework/schoolwork and civility are not negotiable. Give consequences if she’s not doing those basics. Otherwise, give her space, let her know you’re here for her and maybe try to find some little ways to be present and caring, and organize some family time that she might enjoy participating in.
I also have the sweetest 11yo but she hasn’t had her period yet, and I expect that plus all the hormonal changes will make her act differently for a time.

I agree. I think more space and less emotional reactions from you, don’t take her behavior personally at all, and rules that are set and consequences written out in matter of fact way together. Again non emotional and positive but appropriately distanced response from you. But ask her from time to time to do things with you even if she rejects you. She will notice that you asks and may change her mind one of these days.