kid wants to hang out with both parents

[Anonymous]

DH and I like a divide and conquer approach with our 5 yo DS. Part of it is health issues and if I'm being totally honest here, DH and I don't like each other that much a this moment and don't like being together. We do eat all of breakfast and dinner together. But DS insists on having what he calls "family day" on the weekends where he's with both of us.

I'm the main caregiver on the weekdays, so I thought DS would relish alone time with his dad, or even just want to be with me because that's status quo, but he really wants to be with both of us. Is this just a phase and he will outgrow it? but I really enjoy parenting DS but dealing with DH's issues at the same time is really rough.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he can tell you’re having problems and instinctively wants to keep you together?

[Anonymous]

I think you’re reading into this too much because of the marital issues. My kids want a lot of things that we just don’t have time or space to give them. Pre-covid I would go out with my girl friends twice a month for dinner. My kids wanted me to stay home because they liked it when we were all together. Well, I needed those nights more than they needed me at home.

Why don’t you set one breakfast each weekend morning as “family breakfast” and make biscuits each time or something that becomes tradition, but otherwise do your thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I like a divide and conquer approach with our 5 yo DS. Part of it is health issues and if I'm being totally honest here, DH and I don't like each other that much a this moment and don't like being together. We do eat all of breakfast and dinner together. But DS insists on having what he calls "family day" on the weekends where he's with both of us.

I'm the main caregiver on the weekdays, so I thought DS would relish alone time with his dad, or even just want to be with me because that's status quo, but he really wants to be with both of us. Is this just a phase and he will outgrow it? but I really enjoy parenting DS but dealing with DH's issues at the same time is really rough.

\

dp I think it is sweet to be honest. Can't you plan to go on a hike or play a board game during the weekend? Then after you can have your own time? Perhaps doing more things together will help the relationship but, if not you are giving you son happy memories.

[Anonymous]

I’m all for family time, but I think in this case, it’s fine just to tell the kid no, mommy and daddy have other stuff they need to do. 5 year olds don’t get to set the family agenda.

Consider though if what he’s really asking for with these family days is for his parents to enjoy spending time together. That is, is this his 5-year old way of saying “I wish I could see my mommy and daddy happy together.” If you think there’s some truth to that, work on how you and DH interact when you are together in front of him. And perhaps indulge him every once in a while with a family outing.

[Anonymous]

My 5 y.o asked for the same, he wants both parents but no sister (they do get along). We said we'd plan something for the three of us but haven't gotten around to it yet. I think it's a reasonable request.

[Anonymous]

If you wanted to compromise you could do an afternoon every other weekend with an activity so each adult doesn’t need to interact so heavily with one another but I agree elthat kids often don’t get what they want and that’s ok ( and needed as part of the growing up process).

[Anonymous]

I think your kid knows something is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your kid knows something is wrong.

I agree with this. While it’s normal for a kid to want family time with both parents together, if your kid keeps asking for it, there’s a good chance it’s because he senses something is wrong, is feeling anxious about it, and is looking for reassurance that his family is secure and stable. But since he’s 5, he doesn’t know how to articulate that.

[Anonymous]

This is why I am not a fan of divide and conquer, sometimes it needs to be done, but usually it is a way for families to avoid each other.
The parents are more interested in playing “pass the kid” and the parents truly grow apart. You never see the sweet things the other parent does or appreciate their skill set, my husband is incredible at reading to our kids. I love listening to him read though I rarely give a rat’s behind about the books themselves.

You don’t need to do everything together, but you do need to make sure the health issues aren’t a socially acceptable excuse for being an asshole. The kid probably doesn’t view the health issues as a negative, they are just part of the fabric of mom or dad. Unhappiness though is something your kid does understand, and he is trying to communicate this to you in the only way he knows how.

Figure out why you don’t like your husband and why you have chosen to stay married to him? I’m being serious, if he is that terrible, leave. If he isn’t, or you can’t stand the thought of not seeing your kid everyday, do everything in your power so you and your husband fall back in love. At one point, you dated him, fell in love with him, married him and had a child with him. You can probably get it back.
As for family time, family is the operative word. Your kid doesn’t always get to decide what is done. It is perfectly acceptable for one of you to say “Your dad is really interested in rock formations so we’re going to see some today”.


Remember, you are a family not two adults who were put on this earth to be a servant to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your kid knows something is wrong.

I agree with this. While it’s normal for a kid to want family time with both parents together, if your kid keeps asking for it, there’s a good chance it’s because he senses something is wrong, is feeling anxious about it, and is looking for reassurance that his family is secure and stable. But since he’s 5, he doesn’t know how to articulate that.

+1

It's okay not to force the family time, but you also need to work on your marriage. As someone who grew up with miserably married parents (and who was keenly aware of that fact from an early age), it really, really sucks. Really sucks. Please do the work of deciding whether to stay or go, and be honest if you choose to stay that you're not "doing it for the kid." That rarely works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your kid knows something is wrong.

I agree with this. While it’s normal for a kid to want family time with both parents together, if your kid keeps asking for it, there’s a good chance it’s because he senses something is wrong, is feeling anxious about it, and is looking for reassurance that his family is secure and stable. But since he’s 5, he doesn’t know how to articulate that.

+1

It's okay not to force the family time, but you also need to work on your marriage. As someone who grew up with miserably married parents (and who was keenly aware of that fact from an early age), it really, really sucks. Really sucks. Please do the work of deciding whether to stay or go, and be honest if you choose to stay that you're not "doing it for the kid." That rarely works.

+1 to working on your marriage, but I don't know that your 5 year old is asking because of that. I am in a very happy marriage and my kids ask for the same thing. They just like everyone together.

[Anonymous]

He's five. You are in charge. He doesn't get to decide what you all do for entire weekend days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your kid knows something is wrong.

I agree with this. While it’s normal for a kid to want family time with both parents together, if your kid keeps asking for it, there’s a good chance it’s because he senses something is wrong, is feeling anxious about it, and is looking for reassurance that his family is secure and stable. But since he’s 5, he doesn’t know how to articulate that.

+1

It's okay not to force the family time, but you also need to work on your marriage. As someone who grew up with miserably married parents (and who was keenly aware of that fact from an early age), it really, really sucks. Really sucks. Please do the work of deciding whether to stay or go, and be honest if you choose to stay that you're not "doing it for the kid." That rarely works.

Agreed. Please work on the marriage. It is soul-crushing to live in a house with two parents who hate each other.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP.

Obviously you ultimately get to decide what you do on the weekends, but the others are right that your child likely senses something is not right.

Can you pick an activities that would be tolerable to you both, where you wouldn't have to interact much? Like maybe family movie night, or maybe family game night, where you'd have to interact but not as much since the focus in on the game.

In other words, it doesn't have to be the whole day.