parents insist on using my "married" name
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Anonymous
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I never changed my name when we got married.
DH didn't seem to care at all. My parents insist on using my "married" name. They use every explanation: 1) they couldn't remember I didn't change it 2) they were trying to make things easier for the postman 3) is it even legal to not change my name? (i am a lawyer--um, no) 4) they just assumed it changed automatically, and i am being difficult or incorrect 5) they didn't want to upset DH (like he didn't know about my name?) They aren't particularly conservative on anything else, know plenty of women who didn't change their name, etc. They make a big point to mail things to me under my "married" name. I don't know why this drives me crazy, but it does. |
Anonymous
| That should drive you crazy! It is insanely rude and passive aggressive. And sexist. |
Anonymous
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Same. I especially enjoy when they send a birthday check to me (as if I'm 12) and the check is made out to my first name and then married last name.
Can't imagine why they care. I was married at age 29, therefore my professional life and colleagues know me as my maiden name. |
Anonymous
| That’s nuts. I would start referring to them by some other name that they dint want to be called. “Hey, Maude and Sluggo! How was brunch?” Keep it up. |
Anonymous
| My mom did not legally change her name and always used maiden professionally. YET, my dad (never my mom) has addressed more than one letter to me with my husband's last name. I have corrected him when it was easy (like the letter arrived and he was around) but since he's a very good guy otherwise it just gets my most giant eye roll. But, yes, that's annoying. |
Anonymous
| My family does this too. I've never changed my name, never gone by my husband's name in any way etc. They are all fully aware I kept my name, these are close family members - my brother is the worst offender. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I would go with this passive-aggressive route since you've already tried being direct. When they say "Why aren't you calling me Mom? My name isn't even Judy!" you can just say "Is it even legal to call you mom? Based on you not using my last name, I thought you didn't care about names anyway, so what does it matter?" |
Anonymous
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My parents do this too, and I find it so weird! My sister told me that she once was with my mom when I called, and she noticed that my mom had even changed my last name to DH's in her contacts since it popped up as <My first name> <DH's last name>.
My parents are somewhat conservative, but I don't think not changing my name is something they object to. I just think it's unexpected, and they have their hard time wrapping their mind around things they don't understand. My sister did change her last name and so did my SIL, so I'm an outlier. |
Anonymous
| With mail, just put “Return to sender. No one here by that name” |
Anonymous
Simple solution. Just don't deposit the check if the name on it offends you so much. I'm not defending your parents but I can't imagine why this name thing is so upsetting to you. |
Anonymous
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my grand mother does with with my my wife. not a big deal, and gift checks are written to both of us, they deposit just fine.
DW never changed her name, Gm is just from that era where the women changed their names. my mom was a bit miffed when DW didn't change her name. BFD.... |
Anonymous
It's upsetting because her parents are repeatedly refusing to call her by her name. And it's absurd to say they don't remember it -- they called her that name for the first 18+ years of her life. All they have to do is continue to call her the same name she's had since birth. They are her parents. It's not unreasonable to expect them to remember her name. If you've never had people refuse to use your name and insist on calling you by the wrong name, you likely can't imagine why it's upsetting, but just imagine that you asked your family just started calling you by a nickname you did not like, you asked them not to use that nickname, but they had a million excuses why they somehow couldn't remember not to use this nickname that wasn't even from your childhood. Also, neither the OP nor the PP are raging or crying or freaking out. |
Anonymous
I would do this, too. You've asked, and they are just full of dumb excuses. If they have a nickname that you know they hate, use that. Otherwise, just start calling them by some random name. |
Anonymous
| My in-laws do this too. Every damn time. All mail is addressed to me with my husbands last name. I stopped saying anything but I swear it’s on purpose on their part. It has to be. No one is CONTINUALLY that much of an asshole by accident. |
Anonymous
| you know i grew up in a third world country and even there wives don't have to change their names. i never understood why US is backward. |